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He's boring her with pressure to finish first 

Sometimes, it's better to receive than to give

I'm a 22-year-old straight girl with a lovely boyfriend of four years. We started dating during our freshman year of college, and we lost our virginities to each other early in our sophomore year. He's a great guy, we live well together, and I could easily round him up to "the one." My problem: I'm bored with our sex life, and I don't know why. He's a generous lover, he always makes sure I come (which is not always an easy task), he goes down on me more often than I go down on him, he uses his fingers, and he isn't insecure when I have to use my own fingers or a vibrator to get off. I know I'm incredibly lucky, but even after I come, I feel unsatisfied. I don't have any kinky fantasies, but the lack of passion and interest in our vanilla sex is killing me. I'm only 22, for God's sake! My sex life shouldn't be boring already!

He's voiced concerns in the past about how I don't initiate sex with him often enough. He worries that I am not attracted to him. I am attracted to him. It's just that I don't want the hassle of waiting for him to make me come when I can do it faster — and doing it myself means I don't have to worry about him getting tired or bored. Our sex drives are probably around the same, frequency-wise. I just need to know where to start to make things more interesting.

Bored In Bed

Having a partner who focuses like a laser beam on our pleasure sounds ideal. But always being the focus of sex, always being expected to come first, always being expected to come — that shit gets exhausting after a while. So order your boyfriend to focus a little more on his own pleasure during sex and a little less on yours. Tell him that, for now, you would like him to be less giving and more taking. And if he worries about being selfish, you can tell him that a study conducted at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in British Columbia found that people with selfish sex partners reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction. ("Emerging Adulthood: An Age of Sexual Experimentation or Sexual Self-Focus?" by Hayley Leveque and Cory Pederson, 2010.)

I suspect, BIB, that once the focus is off you — once you no longer have to live in fear of a forced march to orgasm each and every time you have sex, once you're no longer under so much pressure — you'll be able to relax and enjoy sex more. You might even initiate once in a while. Good luck.

I found porn on my kid's computer and I talked to him about being careful about spyware, the difference between actual intimacy and objectification, and that kind of thing. I don't have a problem with a 15-year-old boy looking at porn — so long as he's discreet and doesn't do it to excess. What my kid was looking at was standard stuff, i.e., garden variety M/F porn and a touch of M/M porn. But a friend found a stash of really kinky violence-against-women stuff on her kid's computer. I'm thinking a parent can't let that go as easily. She's about to confront her kid. I don't think you can help her with what to say, since she'll already have said something, but what would you have advised her to say?

My Friend's Kinky Son

You meet two kinds of people at kink events and in kink spaces: people who've always known they were kinky — people who were jerking off to kinky fantasies and/or porn long before they were 15 — and people who got into kink after falling in love with someone who was kinky. Your friend's son sounds like one of the former.

It's important for your friend to bear in mind that her son, if he is indeed kinky, sought out kinky porn. Kinky porn didn't make him kinky. And being shamed by his mother for his porn preferences — or his kinks — isn't going to unmake his kinks.

That said, MFKS, your friend should talk with her son about the difference between porn and real sex — kinky or vanilla — and the difference between erotic power exchange and violence. She should also talk to him about safety and misogyny, and she should encourage him to be thoughtful about his sexuality. And most importantly, MFKS, she should emphasize the importance of meaningful and informed CONSENT.

Your friend's son isn't going to want to dialogue with his mom about his porn stash or his kinks, MFKS, so she should go in prepared to monologue at him.

Finally, there's a chance that your friend's son isn't kinky and was just looking for the most appalling shit he could find on the Internet. Mom should acknowledge that as a possibility, and her son, even if he is kinky, is likely to seize on that excuse. If he does claim that he was just looking for shocking video clips, she should say: "I believe you. But there's a small chance that you're saying that because you think it's what I want to hear. So I'm going to say everything I wanted to say about safety, misogyny and consent just in case. And all of it applies to vanilla sex, too."

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