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Hits Lists and Shit Lists 

Random inventories of musical musings

Everybody loves lists. None more so than music fans, however. Ever seen the movie High Fidelity?

Yes, music obsessives love talking about their favorites and least favorites, and no form embodies the bitching quite as well as the list. VH1, formerly a music channel, might as well be called the List Channel, with almost every other show being something like "The Top 20 Hip Hop Shootings" or "Livin' on His Hair: The Top 10 Hairstyles of Jon Bon Jovi." Magazines are even worse -- hell, Blender's very existence is predicated on the idea of the list (well, that and boobs).

In that spirit, we here in the music department at the Loaf decided to pile on and add a few of our own. Maybe they'll inspire you to create your own...

7 "Artists" Mainstream Critics Will Tell You Are Creating "Major" Works, but Ain't:
1. Justin Timberlake

2. 50 Cent

3. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

4. Ashanti

5. Eminem

6. John Mayer

7. Evanescence

-- Timothy C. Davis

Musicians I Loved In My 20s That I Can't Listen To Now:
1. Janis Joplin

2. The Doors

3. Cat Stevens

4. Eric Burdon & The Animals

5. Moody Blues

-- John Grooms

A Baker's Dozen Gems to Seek Out Soon:
1. Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

2. Eleni Mandell - Thrill

3. Tracker - Polk

4. HIM - Many In High Places Are Not Well

5. Fuck - Baby Loves a Funny Bunny

6. Anomoanon - Asleep In the Wood Many Years

7. Rachel's - Music for Egon Schiele

8. Norfolk & Western - Winter Farewell

9. Julie Doiron - Desormais

10. Black Heart Procession - 2

11. Acetone - I Guess I Would

12. Rex - C

13. Monroe Mustang - Plain Sweeping Themes for the Unprepared

-- John Schacht

5 People Whose Retirement Would Make the Music World a Better Place:
1. Robert John (Mutt) Lange

2. Judy McGrath (MTV)

3. Clive Davis

4. Sean Combs

5. Rupert Murdoch

-- Timothy C. Davis

Cool Music for Toe-warming with a Loved One:
1. John Barry - Soundtrack for Body Heat (even non-smokers will seek a smoke after this)

2. Marvin Gaye - "Sexual Healing" (empowers the guys, melts the gals)

3. Led Zeppelin - "Kashmir" (oh that, um, rhythm repetition)

4. Miles Davis - "Round Midnight" (any Davis version)

5. Sarah Vaughan - "My Funny Valentine" (You expected that one, didn't you?)

6. Frankie Goes to Hollywood - "Relax" (also comes in handy when loved one is away)

7. Queen - "Get Down, Make Love" (pull out the whips and leather)

8. The Cure - "Just Like Heaven" (roll and dance in the hay at the same time)

9. Sam Cooke - "You Send Me" (the afterglow)

-- Samir Shukla

Top 5 Riffs People Launch into at Guitar Stores When Checking Out a New Axe:
1. "Stairway to Heaven"

2. "Enter Sandman"

3. Some obscure Joe Satriani/Steve Vai creation (guitar-heads only)

4. "Jane Says" (acoustic guitars only)

5. The beginning to Yes' "Roundabout" (bonus points for being a bass classic, too)

-- Timothy C. Davis

5 Artists Who Should Be In the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame But Will Probably Never Make It:
1. Little Anthony & the Imperials - Their peak was short-lived (about two years in the mid-60s) but their smooth soul melodramas dominated the airwaves in a time when, otherwise, the British Invasion and Motown ruled.

2. Big Star - Early-70s poprock band that flopped commercially but became a major influence on many 80s indie rock bands.

3. The Kingsmen - They recorded "Louie Louie" and that should be enough.

4. X - Los Angeles band who were the greatest combination of raw energy, talent, smarts and lyrical power to come out of the late-70s/early-80s punk scene.

5. Darlene Love - The greatest female singer of the early rock era, the linchpin of many of Phil Spector's greatest productions, lead singer for the Crystals and then later, one of the hottest back-up vocalists ever.

-- John Grooms

Timothy C. Davis' Top 12 Favorite Beatles (honorary or otherwise):
1. John Lennon

2. Paul McCartney

3. Ringo Starr

4. George Martin

5. George Harrison

6. Billy Preston

7. Mal Evans

8. Brian Epstein

9. Stu Sutcliffe

10. Jimmy Nicol

11. Pete Best

12. Murray the "K"

-- Timothy C. Davis

Top 15 Overused Music Writer Phrases:
1. "whiskey-soaked"

2. "nicotine-tinged"

3. "spicy gumbo" (best with Cajun and world music artists)

4. "crunchy" riffs

5. "Beatle-esque"

6. "Dylan-esque"

7. "Stones-ey swagger"

8. Calling a record a "slab"

9. "ringing guitars"

10. "howling guitars"

11. "head-nodding" / "toe-tapping" / "ass-shaking"

12. " ____ meets ____, with ____ by _____."

13. "mining the ___ vein"

14. "a ___ take on ____"

15. Using out of date hip-hop lingo for "cred"

-- Timothy C. Davis

A Wish List for a Musically Happier 2004:
1. Homeland Security declares "War on shitty music," hands out $1 billion (cool million each) to 1,000 college/public radio stations.

2. Clear Channel and Wal-Mart collectively implode, unleashing a revolutionary new era in music and commerce.

3. Britney Spears learns to play acoustic guitar and tours with Ani DiFranco.

4. Tom Waits, Nick Cave and Radiohead play in Charlotte.

-- Samir Shukla

5 Lamest Arguments for More Coverage:
1. "Who the fuck are the Avett Brothers?"

2. "We get a thousand people on Saturday night" (and NSYNC sells millions of records; your point being?)

3. "He has the same publicist as Britney Spears "

4. "No one reads your paper"

5. "Maybe I'll pull my ad"

-- John Schacht

6 Phonetic Mispronunciations of "Schacht":
1. Sha-cack-it

2. Shok-ed

3. Skatch

4. !!!

5. Shaq

6. Srzkkkt

-- John ....

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