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Is it worth it? 

There's no such thing as risk-free anything

Long story short: I'm a 28-year-old woman in a long-term relationship. In the past, I've been a control freak by day, sex freak by night -- but just for one guy, my GGG boyfriend. Recently, I realized that I'm a female cuckold! Nothing gets me hotter than the thought of my boyfriend fucking somebody else in front of me. The logical solution, of course, is to have threesomes. A bunch. My boyfriend feels like he has died and gone to heaven.

Here's the issue: The pill makes me psycho, a diaphragm was a disaster, and something about my anatomy snaps condoms. After much trial and error, I settled on an IUD -- but my gyno made me swear a blood oath before she put it in that I wouldn't sleep around, because an IUD is a monogamist's device. If I catch a sexually transmitted infection (STI) now, Dan, it could fuck up my whole reproductive system.

We would, of course, ask potential thirds to get tested (and get tested ourselves), but I don't want to feel like I'm gambling with my health when we do this. How do I get the edgy sex life I want?

Suddenly Kinky And Really Eager

The only way to get the edgy sex life you want, SKARE, is to accept that edgy sex lives always involve a certain degree of risk. IUDs do not provide STI protection -- nor do birth control pills, diaphragms, or having your tubes tied. And while condoms, when used correctly, offer excellent protection from the two scariest sexually transmitted infections out there -- HIV and pregnancy -- condoms only reduce your risk of acquiring gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, HPV, herpes, and other STIs.

I'm sorry, SKARE, but there's no such thing as risk-free sex. Hell, there's no such thing as risk-free anything. Hamburgers, snowboarding, sex -- all risky activities. OK, class: A life without hamburgers, snowboarding, and sex is what? A life that's hardly worth living, Mr. Savage. So what do we do? We take reasonable steps to reduce our risks. We cook our burgers thoroughly (or, better yet, buy beef that isn't packed with hormones, antibiotics, and E. coli); we stay in designated ski areas and/or wear avalanche beacons; we try to be selective about our sex partners and use condoms when appropriate. And we then play the odds, SKARE; we gamble. Burgers, boarding, sex -- if we've taken reasonable precautions, the odds are in our favor.

So, SKARE, here's what you do: Accept that acting on your fantasies -- your cuckquean fantasies (only men can be cuckolds) -- involves risk for you, for your boyfriend, and for your thirds. Then set about minimizing 'em. Be choosy about who you take to bed. (Someone you know, like, and trust? Yes. Amy Winehouse? No.) Use protection. (The boyfriend should use condoms with these other women.) And be vigilant about your health. (Regular checkups, STI screenings, pap smears, etc.)

And finally, SKARE, you have to accept that, even if you're doing everything "right," there's still a chance that you may contract an STI; perhaps something annoying but curable (gonorrhea, pregnancy), something incurable but bearable (herpes), or something incurable and devastating (HIV). If you can't handle the reality of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, SKARE, then you don't just have a monogamist's device in your twat, but a monogamist's twat in your pants.

I'm a female college student and a feminist. I expect equal pay, equal treatment, and fairness when it comes to chores at home. But I have fantasies of domestic discipline. Some days I'd like to rush home and clean the apartment and make dinner for my boyfriend wearing only an apron. Then I'd appreciate it if he'd find some excuse, something I did wrong, and spank me until I cry before he has wild sex with me.

I've got plenty more fantasies where that one came from.

My guy, being open-minded, would be up for this. But how on earth do I set effective boundaries? How can you be taken seriously as an equal when you tell your boyfriend that you'd like him to dominate you outside the bedroom (the cooking and cleaning aspect) on occasion? I want this to be a periodic, not a consistent, dynamic. It's totally unrealistic to pretend to be BETTY CROCKER all the time.

No Clever Acronym

Get a necklace or a bracelet, NCA, that you wear only when you want the boyfriend to take charge. You decide when that bracelet or necklace goes on, you decide when it comes off, which puts you in control, paradoxically, of your own submission.

When you're wearing it, of course, you're BETTY CROCKER (whoever she is) and the boyfriend has your consent to order you about, spank your ass, and fuck you senseless. When it's off, you're equals. Easy!

I'm a male sub looking for porn videos catering to a femme dom audience. I'm not talking about porn directed by men for submissive men, but porn targeting the appetites of the dominatrix. I'm NOT looking for softcore bondage pictures of men, or any other gay porn. I am looking for hetero femme dom porn videos aimed at women, with well-groomed male slaves. I'm not looking for yet another video of penis torture and/or anal rape, where the female "dom" inevitably gives her slave a blowjob. Femme dom porn with vampire and werewolf themes would be perfect. Any suggestions?

Seeking Hot Erotica Beloved Of Superior Sex

Porn created for dominant women featuring well-groomed male slaves with vampire and werewolf themes -- why, I've got some of that right here in my ass, SHEBOSS, just give me a sec and I'll pull it out for you.

Look, ladies and gentleman, there's a lot of porn out there. If you've made a good-faith effort to find porn that caters to your special needs without much luck, well, then odds are good that the porn you're looking for simply doesn't exist. And folks? The more ridiculous, obscure, or specific your requirements -- mere femme dom porn won't do for SHEBOSS, he requires femme dom vampire/werewolf porn with no CBT, pegging, or poorly groomed slaves -- the harder time you're going to have finding porn. (Really, SHEBOSS, you can't fast-forward past those blowjobs?)

But don't despair, SHEBOSS, there is a little porn out there for you. As kinky blogger CatWoman notes, the best femme dom porn is produced by advertising agencies, not porn companies. Dig around the archives of CatWoman's blog (, SHEBOSS, and you'll find plenty of examples of clean-cut boys serving dominant women in print and television ads created to sell shoes, clothes, cars, etc. to women -- no pegging, no CBT, no blowjobs, no unkempt slave boys. No vampires or werewolves either, sadly, but a boy can't have everything.

Oh, and a note to gay dudes into visual depictions of well-groomed gay male slaves (and all those straight women and lesbians out there who like gay porn, too):'s new gay site -- its first -- went live earlier this month. was created for by Van Darkholme: porn star, bondage artist, author, and occasional Savage Love guest expert. Check it out.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to

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