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Just say no ... to girlfriend 

Is drug-induced amnesia causing behavior?

I've got a confusing issue with my girlfriend. Our relationship was going great until I caught her having an emotional affair via MySpace. She swore to never hurt me again. Well, I recently found out that she posted an ad looking for NSA sex. She responded to several people who contacted her. When confronted, she encouraged me to look through her e-mail, to prove her innocence, but her e-mail proved her guilt. There was tons of evidence that she had been planning an affair -- naked pics in her e-mails, contact information, pictures of guys. She says she doesn't remember doing any of these things.

My girl has told me that she is bipolar, obsessive-compulsive, and has mental ailments. She's been on meds since she was 12, but I never knew to what extent until now. She's on four different meds. I've since found out about lots of other lies she has been perpetuating since the beginning of our relationship. She claims to remember nothing. Is it possible that the drugs could cause her to selectively forget things? Could her conditions and the drugs she's on cause this kind of amnesia? Or is my girl just a liar?

Duped By The Dope

Low-down dirty liar, victim of drug-induced amnesia; low-down dirty liar, victim of drug-induced amnesia ... does it really matter which it is, DBTD? Because here's what we know for sure: Stay with this woman and you're going to be lied to, cheated on, and manipulated. Does it make it better if she can point to her meds and claim that the possible side effects -- "drowsiness, blurred vision, erections lasting more than four hours, selective memory, serial infidelity" -- made her post those ads, send those pictures, and fuck those other dudes?

So the question you need to ask yourself, DBTD, isn't, "Did the drugs make her do it?" but, "Am I willing to put up with this crap?" I think we both know the answer to that question: DTCMFA.

In your most recent column (June 25), you wrote, "The Scouts are famously anti-gay and anti-atheist." While I believe this is true for the Scouting organization, I have to take issue with the idea that Scouts themselves are anti-gay and anti-atheist.

I was a Boy Scout. In fact, I am an Eagle Scout. But this is not exclusive of the fact that I am also gay (and am pretty much unreligious). But I was not "out" until last fall, my first year of college, after I was finished with the Scouts (and high school and living at home). Sadly, I'm pretty sure that the title of Eagle Scout would be taken away if the BSA organization knew that I was gay. So if you publish this, please don't use my name or identifying info.

Anonymous Eagle Scout

Thanks for writing, AES, and I apologize for not being clearer in that response: It is the Boy Scouts of America that is anti-gay and anti-atheist. There are a lot of individual Scouts and Scout leaders out there -- I'm hearing from them -- who reject and denounce the BSA's anti-gay, anti-atheist positions. It's too bad the BSA isn't hearing from them, too.

I just wanted to respond to the letters in your column from TALI and CPAC, gay teenagers being mistreated at home and school (April 9). While I loved your response, I think it's very important to let your young gay readers know that there is support out there -- even if they're stuck in small towns. The Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org) has a hotline (1-866-4-U-TREVOR) for kids contemplating suicide or who just need someone to talk to. The GLBT National Help Center (www.glnh.org) has a large database of gay and lesbian organizations. And finally, your readers can check out the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth (www.outproud.org).

And to TALI and CPAC and all the other gay and lesbian youth out there who feel like they are alone, remember that this is temporary. My brother came out in high school and went through hell. I never expected him to make it past his teens. He's in his 30s now, he has two degrees, he's traveled all over the world, and he has many friends and loved ones.

Proud Of My Baby Brother

Thanks for sharing, POMBB, and give my best to your baby brother. There's a lot more advice from Savage Love readers for TALI and CPAC and other gay teenagers at www.thestranger.com/savage/gayteens.

When I was in my teens to mid-20s, I fought a burgeoning weight problem. My heaviest was 235 pounds on a 5-foot-10 frame. Now I watch what I eat and I work out. I have a six-pack. And here's my problem: I get too much attention from women. When I was out of shape, women paid attention, but not as much. Now, if I wanted to, I could get all the pussy I wanted. Single pussy, married pussy, all-different-color pussy.

Is it normal for a guy to turn down so much of the pussy that gets pitched at him? I am a tall Asian guy, six foot one, 165 pounds, cut and lean, 32 but look 28. But I like to go after the hard-to-get pussy. The easy pussy that gets thrown at me, I'm not interested in. What's wrong with me?

Lost In Pussy Land

Besides not enclosing a few dozen pictures with your e-mail, there's nothing wrong with you that I can tell, LIPL. More pussy gets tossed your way than gets tossed into a Dumpster behind a vet's office -- good for you. Why isn't that slow-pitch pussy turning you on? Maybe you like to work harder for your pussy, LIPL, or maybe you're not a catcher (as the gays say), or maybe you're an arrogant douchebag who likes to brag to gay sex-advice columnists about all the pussy he isn't banging for whatever reason. Or, geez, maybe you're just turned off by sexually aggressive women -- and that's fine. No one is obligated to be into sexually aggressive women (they certainly leave me cold). But you might want to look into your heart -- it's that tiny, undeveloped muscle beneath your left pec -- to make sure you're not a dumbassmotherfucker turned off by sexually aggressive women because he believes "good" women don't or shouldn't have sexual desires or agency.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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