November 16, 2005 Blogs & Columns » Boomer with Attitude

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Lynn me a hand 

Or. . . just between us girls

From: Lynn Wheeler

To: Liddy Dole, US Senate

Subject: Boo Hoo

Liddy,

I lost! I didn't just lose, I came in last in a field of eight, including one guy who might be descended from Napoleon. I thought I still had a lot to offer the city, but no-o-o, people had to keep bringing up that damned arena. I've got two questions for you: one, do you have any job openings in Washington (just kidding! sort of), and two, how do you do it? You wear a lot of cute outfits and you use a healthy amount of makeup, like me -- I actually base my look on your impressive makeup repertoire -- but I don't hear people making fun of you for it, while I catch hell and get called nicknames like Glamour Shot or Senior Barbie. Awaiting your guidance,

Lynn

From: US Sen. Elizabeth Dole

To: Lynn Wheeler

Subject: Re: Boo Hoo

Lynn,

So good to hear from you again! I am so-o-o sorry you didn't get back on Charlotte City Council -- "boo hoo" is right! I'm afraid I can't think of any positions in my Washington office that would suit you, but if you think of a special job that would be right for you, just shoot me another e-mail and we'll chat. Meanwhile, just between us "Senior Barbies" (sorry, that's been Bob's nickname for me since I turned 50 -- isn't he cute?), what is wrong with people in Charlotte? You always looked your best and I know you cozied up to every big shot within shouting distance when you were on Council, and the voters still turned on you?! Unbelievable! I guess if you're a powerful woman, you can't make any mistakes or the macho men and resentful hausfraus will never let you forget it. And to think how we kowtow to them with our perkiness and our eyeliner; life just isn't fair, is it? As for "how I do it," I don't think you need my help, but I would suggest using a great foundation: I love Borghese's Prima Viso Face Primer, and I couldn't live without Deception Anti-Wrinkle Cream. And, I don't need to tell you, replenish replenish replenish your lip gloss like, a hundred times a day -- I even do it while I'm eating! Hope this helps -- good luck!

Liddy

From: Lynn Wheeler

To: Maureen Dowd, New York Times

Subject: Boo Hoo

Mo,

Thanks for the shoulder (or e-mail address) to lean on during my campaign. (People here would kill me if they knew I'd become friends with a liberal!) You may have already heard, but I lost the election in a big way. I am way bummed, and I've got two questions for you: one, do you have any job openings at the Times (just kidding, sort of -- I was a TV news reporter for awhile), and two, how do you, as a powerful woman who wears lots of cute outfits and piles on the makeup, like me, deal with all the criticism? I've noticed you're getting a lot of grief from men and women for your new book Are Men Necessary? What I need to know is how do you plan to get those people to like you again? Getting desperate,

Lynn

From: Maureen Dowd

To: Lynn Wheeler

Subject: Re: Boo Hoo

Lynn,

Buck up, dammit! That's how I "plan to get those people to like" me again. I suggest you try growing a spine. Don't mean to be harsh, Lynn, but now that your political "comeback" is over, I'm not in the mood to hear the whining, OK? I kept a lid on this during our past e-mail exchanges, but here's the deal: there are women who know how to dress and look good but who do it for themselves, not for the men around them. There's a reason I'm the sexiest fiftysomething columnist in America: because I -- that is, me -- like it that way. If a man likes it, fine. If not, also fine. You can't build a life around buttering up powerful men -- do you want to wind up like Judith Miller? No. Be like me -- good-looking, classy, kicking ass and taking names. It's not the clothes and the makeup, Lynn, it's about you and what kind of person you want to be. I hope you'll soon start making wise personal decisions.

Maureen

From: Lynn Wheeler

To: Renee Thomas, c/o Charlotte Panthers' TopCats

Subject: Boo Hoo

Renee,

You may or may not know me but I'm Lynn Wheeler, former City Council member -- heck, I was mayor pro tem once! I want to offer my condolences on your recent bad luck in Tampa with the assault charge and the two-women-in-a-stall thing getting so much publicity. The press can be so hurtful! Anyhow, I have decided to leave politics and am looking for something to do that would fit my distinguished resume and my approach to life. With that in mind, I have one quick question: do the TopCats have to wear the white vinyl boots or is that negotiable? Waiting to hear from you,

Lynn

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