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When gays and straights work together

You suggested that Doing My Best, the good-looking Ivy Leaguer who can't land a girl, find a gay friend (July 16). Homos, you implied, make the best wingmen, directing women your way in bars and forcing you to talk to them. In return, you should go to gay bars, dance shirtless, etc.

I disagree. My brother and I have had separate bad experiences with gay male friends. Both of us are straight, easygoing, and have no problems with queers -- our sister is a lesbian. We've found that it's impossible to have a gay friend of the same sex -- especially if alcohol is involved. Eventually a pass is made and the friendship ends.

Burned Straight Boy

Feigning friendship to get into someone's pants? Surely no straight man has ever stooped so low! Surely no woman -- straight or queer, single or married -- has ever had the moves put on her by a straight male friend! Surely!

Not, as the kids once said.

I'm sorry you and your brother had bad experiences with fag friends, BSB, but it happens. And let's make an effort to keep it in perspective: Hitting on a friend is an asshole move that's been used and abused by gay men, straight men, and the odd woman. But not all gay men hit on their straight male friends. I have four very close straight male friends, BSB, and I've never hit on any of them. Why? Because I'm not generally attracted to straight boys, for starters, and not one of them is my type, for enders. As far as my libido is concerned, my straight male friends might as well have vaginas. And when I meet a straight guy who is my type, a friendship is out of the question. Together gay men don't want to be friends with men they find attractive for the same reason together straight men don't want to be friends with women they find attractive. Why torture yourself?

So my advice to straight boys seeking a gay wingman is this: If your prospective wingman only dates, say, muscular Asian dudes, and you're a muscular Asian dude, he's going to hit on you someday. But if your gay wingman only dates, say, hairy muscle daddies, and you're a skinny hairless rocker, your gay wingman is unlikely to ever hit on you.

Your advice to get a gay friend is dead-on. I'm an outgoing guy until I see a girl I'm interested in. My gay best friend has helped me meet a lot of women. In the interest of fairness, I return the favor at gay clubs. But a straight guy that goes to gay clubs does get hit on. If you can get over that hang-up, guys, it's a real confidence booster. You also forgot to mention that if the straight guy introduces his gay friend to the man he marries, civil unions, or partners with, the two of them have to keep helping the straight guy meet women. The straight mafia is strict about that one.

Not Shy Anymore

Thanks for sharing, NSA.

I would take your advice and get a gay best friend, Dan, but where the hell do I find a gay man to be my buddy?

Lonely Hot Dude

The hottest gay men -- wingmen, et al. -- can be found at www.dlist.com.

My boyfriend refuses to give up coke for reasons I can't explain. I don't make a stink if he smokes a reefer, I don't make a stink about the tranny sex he's had in the past or the his-and-her butt plugs he bought us in month two. He's well-read, witty, and sweet -- but I'm seriously anti-drug for my own reasons and he knows my stand. We're reaching month six and in spite of all his skeletons, I love him. But this coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man that can't commit to not doing coke. I need a man's swift and brutal opinion: What the fuck? Is this butt-plugging asshole trying to sabotage our relationship by holding on to some libertarian conviction that was started in ancient Rome?

Coke-Hating Sister

I'm not sure how the Romans factor into this, CHS, but here's the swift and brutal opinion: If a coke-hating sister can't get serious about a man who uses coke, then why is this coke-hating sister wasting her time on this trifling, tranny-banging, coke-snorting brother? Either coke is a deal breaker for you, CHS, or it isn't. If it is, then don't date him. But if this butt-plugging asshole merits an exception -- if the lift tickets are balanced out by well-read, witty, and sweet -- then date him, girl, and stop bitching about it.

I'm a gay Roman Catholic. Some of my Catholic friends are a bit awkward about it, but by and large it's my non-Catholic gay friends who have the biggest beef. As far as many of them are concerned, the money I put into the collection basket is going to some sort of Anti-Gay Civil Liberties Union. I take my religion seriously, but I'm not a fundamentalist: I don't take something as gospel just because a man in a dress in Rome says it is. Please remind people that many gay men are deeply religious and happy about it. We don't need our fellow fags diagnosing us as secretly self-loathing, so much as we need their support and respect.

Gay Roman Catholic

You can't resent other gay men -- saner gay men -- for thinking that you might take as gospel every morsel of crap that falls from the thin lips of that "man in a dress in Rome," GRC. The Catholic Church has been busily "reimposing doctrinal discipline," as they say, ever since JPII plopped his clenched butt down on the Throne of Peter. So while it's nifty that you don't believe being Catholic means signing off on every idiot thing the pope says, the head of your church disagrees with you. And I'm sorry, GRC, but the money you put in the collection plate does fund, in part, what amounts to an Anti-Gay Civil Liberties Union. It's only natural that your non-Catholic gay friends would be curious about how you reconcile your Catholicism with your Cocksuckism. If you want to get pissy at anyone, GRC, get pissy at all those religious leaders, whether they're practicing Catholics or hell-bound heretics, who have worked so hard to make religiosity and sexual freedom seem like mutually exclusive phenomena.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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