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Mom's The Word 

Keeping it all in the family

I am a 22-year-old man who thought I would be happy with my wife for the rest of my life. But after a year of cheating on my wife with her own mom, I am in love with the mother. She is 44 but she has the experience and beauty. We go wild in bed, making love for hours, and she swallows, which drives me crazy. I don't want to be with my wife any more. What should I do?

--Married Man

A husband should be able to discuss anything with his wife, MM. You should be able to share your deepest secrets with her, your innermost thoughts, your fondest hopes for the future. When a man can't tell his wife that his hopes for the future include a lot more oral sex from her mom, then something is wrong. I urge you to seek counseling.

My boyfriend of three years has a lower libido than I do and rarely wants to do anything sexual. For a variety of reasons, I will not DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already). We no longer have arguments about this, but I do feel a bit lonesome for the type of physical contact he won't provide.

Now comes the dirty part: I have a couple of male friends who would happily do the things that my boyfriend isn't interested in doing. I have discussed this idea with my boyfriend, but he is resistant. I think it wouldn't bother him as much as he believes it would. An occasional tryst with one of my pals isn't something that would have much of an effect on our relationship. I'm just looking for him to OK a shortlist of people we know, so that I have somewhere to turn during the months-long periods when he has no sex drive. How can I convince him?

--Playing Allowed Looks Sweet

Okay, PALS, I was completely on your side until "I'm looking for him to OK a shortlist of people we know." So long as your shortlist includes mutual friends, there's no way for your boyfriend to OK this arrangement without feeling utterly humiliated. If he gives you permission to sleep with mutual friends, then his friends will know that he's sexually inadequate, and he'll know that they know, and they'll know that he knows that they know. Can you see how he might have a problem with that?

The only way to get him to agree to your getting a little on the side, PALS, is to ask for permission to get your needs met elsewhere once in a while -- and to promise him that you will only mess around with friends drawn exclusively from your social orbit. No mutuals, none of his friends. Make him that promise, PALS, even if you don't intend to keep it. Good luck!

My sister has a client with a very unusual problem. When the client and his wife divorced, he agreed to pay maintenance (alimony) for 10 years or until she remarries. She is now in a lesbian relationship. They have exchanged rings, portray themselves as married, and she lists her partner as "spouse" on her child's school records. This man believes he should have the right to terminate maintenance based upon his ex-wife's "remarriage." But marriage between two women is not legally recognized in this state; therefore there is a great deal of doubt as to how he would fare in front of a judge.

So which side of the fence do you fall on, Mr. Savage? Doesn't this strike you as a major double standard that this woman can flaunt her lesbian, nonlegal "marriage" with impunity while she fucks her ex-husband royally?

--Double Standards For Everyone

I suppose it's a double standard, DSFE, but it's not one I'm prepared to get exercised about. While I agree that this woman has an ethical obligation to turn down money that she's entitled to on a legal technicality, the fact remains that she is not married in the eyes of the law. That sucks for her, it sucks for her partner, and it sucks royally for your friend's royally fucked client. I hope he's directing his anger not just at his ex-wife (she certainly deserves a share), but also at the federal government, bigoted judges, and irrational fears that keep his ex-wife from legally marrying her "spouse."

I'm a 25-year-old straight male with a wonderful girlfriend. The other night, I made some comment about how lucky I am to get such great head all the time. She responded by telling me that I was lucky, considering I almost never go down on her, and when I do, it's not for very long. It was true. I've been an asshole. The next time we got into it, I ended up going down on her for a long time and she told me it was the best I'd ever done. Everything's fine, right?


My bottom-row front teeth are just a tiny bit crooked and one of them scraped the shit out of the little flap of skin along the bottom of my tongue while I ate her out. The pain was excruciating. Is this a common problem? Should I just keep doing it to develop a callus beneath my tongue?

--Sad, Confused, Raw, Amateur Pussy Eater

I read somewhere once that you can get that little flap of skin snipped -- I would Google it myself, SCRAPE, but I'm sitting in a bar in Saugatuck, Mich., helping myself to some of the really terrific margaritas they make at Phil's, a bar that doesn't have Internet access. So Google it yourself, OK?

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