July 23, 2003 News & Views » News Feature

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Nearer Thy God to Me 

Dubya on Religionality

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My American Fellows, er, Fellows Americanas, I would like to talk with you about religionality in our country. Mr. Cheney told me that religious leaders of the three major faiths here in the United States are alarmed that fewer young people are hearing the call to join the clergymen. I said if they're not hearing the call, maybe we need to get a new cellphone, but Mr. Cheney grabbed his chest and said, no, no, you bubblehead, I meant fewer younger people are becoming clergymen. So I said, maybe that means more older people are becoming clergymen, and I say what's wrong with that?But my wife Laura later explained it to me as we were awaiting a call from the emergency room to let us know Mr. Cheney was OK. I suspect he just had a gas attack of some type, what they call in medicalese an infarction -- no really, that's what they call it.

But I misunderstood the seriousness of the problem because without more religious clergy people, we might not be able to organize compassionate conservative voters. And that might mean I wouldn't get re-selected again, so this is a real serious problem.

I think it's too difficult to become a clergy guy, so we have to ease some of the requirements. And I'm an expert on easing requirements and lowering standards, believe me. There's nothing wrong with C students -- why make somebody be a real egghead about the details of a religion? Nobody cares about the details; I sure don't.

Catholics have to ease up some of their strict rules. I think the Popecy needs to change the rules about marrying. Priests and nuns aren't allowed to marry, hell, they're not even allowed to date. Who wants to sign up for that kind of dead social life? Really, couldn't we allow priests and nuns to say, date each other? Since they're both in the same kind of work, Cathlocity, they would have lots in common and they would find lots to talk about, unless they've taken a vow of silence. Then I guess instead of a blind date, they could have a deaf date.

And Jews need more rabbis. They're running short. Actually a lot of rabbis I've met are under five-foot-four, so they are running short. I've got some ideas about how to attract more people to the rabbicy.

For example, rabbis aren't supposed to eat food that's not kosher, ever. Imagine a life without bacon, ham or even pork chops. So let's ease up a little. Let rabbis eat anything they want once in a special while, like say a treat on Yom Kippur would ease up things. They could have ham and eggs on Yom Kippur morning, a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich for lunch, and for Yom Kippur dinner, pork chops. Surely, no one could object to that.

The trouble with so many groups of Protestations is that clergy have to live up to all 10 commandments. Hey, all 10, that's tough. When I was in school, if I scored an 80, a B grade, that was pretty damn good. I remember one time it happened, I was really happy. I went right out to a campus bar and got completely shi- -- I really celebrated. So if a preacher keeps eight commandments out of 10, why, that's an 80 percent score, a B average, that's better than I did and I figure that's good enough.

And let's rethink this rule that preachers have to work on Sundays, when everybody else can golf the links and watch sports on TV but if you have to work, that's a really misdisappointing thing. And it's even more worse, this is really strict -- every Sunday, every week, you have to preach. Talk about strict rules! And you never get Christmas or Easter off, either. That's just too much work being required, if you ask me.

And let me finish by closing with this point. Since I was selected president, a lot of people have been praying an awful lot, and that's good. I know I pray like so many of you do that Mr. Cheney will stay healthy -- or at least alive -- for the next five years of my presidency term. But if he gets sick, I know I can count on Strom Thurmond to provide good advice. That Strom, he's as sharp as I am, and isn't that reassuring?

What?! Strom is dead? How can they tell? Well, we can pray that the Republials can find more good candidates with progressive ideas. We need legislatives who can understand that if we cut taxes and increase the deficit, we'll all be better off. Unless it was raise taxes and decrease the deficit. Whatever. God only knows. I'm sure we can manage the economy as well as we've managed bringing peace and democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq. Or is it Iran?

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