Pin It
Submit to Reddit

Not So Big Of Him 

Reader's insensitive attitude offends

I'm a 29-year-old married man. My wife and I are both active people (rock climbing, cycling and kayaking) and our sex life is good. However, since high school I've been turned on by thick, big-butt, big-tit, ugly, trashy girls. In my 20s, I would secretly go to bars in the suburbs to pick up these thick, ugly girls. But I've only ever been in relationships with fit, attractive, intellectual girls. I'm married to one and I'm madly in love with her. I've been able to repress my desires for the past three years, hoping that I'd become sexually attracted to my wife. Unfortunately, it's now clear that fat, ugly, hick girls are what turn my crank -- but I could never be in a relationship with one of these girls. Quite frankly, these girls are of no interest to me outside of my sexual desires. What should I do?

Big And Trashy Lover

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin.

But, fuck, might as well start with the truth: Do you know why you dismiss the girls you find attractive -- girls who are not, by your dick's definition, unattractive in the least -- as "ugly, trashy girls," "thick, ugly girls," "fat, ugly, hick girls," etc.? For the same reason, BATL, that you've ruled out the possibility of ever having a relationship with a fat girl: You're a cowardly, hateful piece of shit.

That's unkind, of course, just like describing all fat girls as "ugly" or suggesting that women can be intelligent or heavy but never both. So here's a kinder, gentler take: A long, long time ago, you internalized our culture's anti-fat prejudice. We all do, of course, to greater or lesser extents. But when you hit puberty, BATL, your sexual tastes brought you into conflict with those anti-fat prejudices. At that moment, BATL, you had an obligation to yourself and to your future sex partners to overcome your prejudices. Instead, disgusted by your desires, you projected your disgust and anger onto the women you want to fuck. Terrified of the shame and judgment that would come your way if you had a relationship with a big woman, you convinced yourself that all big women are thick, stupid trash. A big woman might be worth fucking, you concluded, but she could never be worthy of love.

So what do you do now, BATL? Well, you either stay with the skinny woman you married -- a woman who will never satisfy you sexually -- or you divorce her and find yourself a big girl, a woman who's active and intelligent, a woman you could love madly and wanna fuck, er, badly. But you know what? That woman deserves better than you.

I am a 23-year-old female. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years and our sex life has gone downhill. For as long as I can remember, I've been turned on by watching fat people eat. I do not want to have sex with a fat person -- my boyfriend is quite physically fit -- I just like to watch fat people gorge themselves. I think having some bedroom materials along these lines would really heat things up. My two questions: (1) How can I break the news to my boyfriend about my turn-on without him thinking I'm a big freak? (2) Is there such a thing as feeder porn? Where there is no sex, just obese gluttons gorging themselves? And where can I find it?

Vicarious Feeder

My two answers:

(1) You can't break the news without your boyfriend concluding that you're a freak, VF, because you are a freak. He won't be able to accept your freakiness if you can't at least cop to it.

(2) I'm sure there's hot feeder porn out there, VF, but why pay for it? You can see plenty of hot feeder action -- live and uncensored! -- for free at McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, etc., etc., etc., every damn day.

I'm a gay college student, and I really like the guy I'm seeing. He recently left his e-mail signed in on my computer. My curiosity got the better of me and I read an e-mail he'd sent to his ex. In it, he implied that I have a small penis that doesn't work well. The e-mail was from early in our relationship and I do have problems getting fully hard the first few times I'm with someone (these problems have long since been resolved with this boy!), but I don't have a small penis! And I am uncomfortable with his ex being his confidant! Am I the asshole? Is he? What do I do?

Paramour Inappropriately Spills Sexually Erroneous Details

Here's a good rule of thumb -- one I just made up -- for e-mail snoopers, PISSED: If the transgression your snooping uncovers is a more serious transgression than e-mail snooping itself, you apologize for snooping and confront. But if the uncovered transgression is less serious, you keep your fool mouth shut.

My advice: Keep your fool mouth shut.

A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to

Pin It
Submit to Reddit


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Creative Loafing encourages a healthy discussion on its website from all sides of the conversation, but we reserve the right to delete any comments that detract from that. Violence, racism and personal attacks that go beyond the pale will not be tolerated.

More by Dan Savage


More »

Search Events

© 2019 Womack Digital, LLC
Powered by Foundation