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Out of control 

My husband was 28 when I met him and a virgin. When we started having sex, he opened up about being "different." He wanted to wear panties, he wanted me to have sex with other men, he wanted me to make fun of his tiny penis. Didn't love the stuff, but whatever. Now it's a thousand times worse. He goes to Victoria's Secret and tells the salesgirls he is being punished by his wife for wearing her panties and that I am "forcing him" to go buy some of his own. He told me he could see our neighbor undressing, so he tried to contact her to see if she wanted to humiliate him while he was dressed as a woman. He thankfully failed to contact her. And I recently found an e-mail in which he "confessed" to a female co-worker that he had a deep, dark, embarrassing secret he wanted to tell her. I confronted him, and he said he was going to tell her about me "forcing him" to wear panties and ask if she wanted to see his tiny penis!

He sees nothing wrong with this behavior. I feel like he is a fucking asshole and a pervert who is violating me, our marriage, and other women. I have children with this dude! What the hell do I do?!?

My Husband Is Out

Here's what the hell you do, MHIO: You make a credible threat to divorce your husband and his tiny dick -- serve him with actual divorce papers -- then you set some conditions for temporarily suspending divorce proceedings. No more trips to Victoria's Secret, no more stalking the neighbors, no more inappropriate e-mails to co-workers. And he begins seeing a sex-positive therapist immediately.

The shit he's into -- humiliation, "forced" feminization, cuckolding -- can be enjoyed with consenting partners, i.e., women who are either into it or willing to fake it for a reasonable fee. He has no right to drag his co-workers, neighbors, salesgirls, and other innocent bystanders into these extreme humiliation scenarios. A good, sex-positive therapist -- someone who won't be shocked by your husband's kinks -- may be able to help your husband see that he isn't being humiliated by these women. He's humiliating these women -- and without their consent.

And that's not OK.

Your husband is out of control, and sooner or later he's going to get his asshole ass arrested. Stalking and sexually harassing women are actual crimes, crimes your loving husband has been so considerate as to implicate you in, crimes that could have a hugely negative impact on the lives of your children. So threaten to divorce him, MHIO, and if that doesn't inspire him to get help and get a grip, make good on that threat.

My girlfriend of six months told me she found it "awkward" when early in our relationship I used lubricant from a half-full bottle. As the bottle was half-full, she says, it hinted at past relationships. To me, this was no more awkward than our using condoms from a half-full box -- which did not bother my girlfriend. But she sees condoms as individually wrapped, single-use items, unlike a bottle of lubricant. Was I in the wrong for failing to purchase a new bottle of lubricant?

Lubrication Etiquette, S'il Vous Plaît

I'm tempted to break into your apartment, spike your lube with Frank's RedHot sauce and open a live feed of the oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico on both your laptops. Because you two clearly need something real to worry about. But in the meantime: Personal lubricants are expensive. If the girlfriend believes a fresh bottle should be cracked open every time she gets with a new partner, she should carry a case around in the trunk of her car. Lube also comes in small, single-ass-serving packets, and anyone worried about their partners reacting badly to the half-empty, 50-gallon drum of lube by the side of the bed is free to invest in a box.

Serious question here: Does putting toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one's scrotum cause sterility or have any other negative health effects?

Great Balls Of Fire

Um ... nope. It would probably be for the best if the guys who've posted YouTube videos of themselves putting Bengay on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly reproduce.

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