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Outsourcing Marches On 

War On Terror and Canada to Benefit

Expect to see an overhaul of America's Brave New War shortly. With fanfare that was short only an Army turkey, a Navy flight suit, and an Air Force One fly-by, President Bush personally endorsed a White House economic report that promised the creation of 2.6 million new jobs by the end of 2004. The fact that the President promptly distanced himself from that prediction by last week had less to do with wavering belief than with a redirection of focus from jobs to Job 1. White House spokesman Scott McClellan pointed out that the President is not interested "in crunching numbers" and "is not a statistician."

The 2.6 million new jobs promise came from White House chief economic adviser Greg Mankiw -- the same guy who was reamed by Democrats and Republicans alike when he suggested that the outsourcing of US jobs to India, China and other low-wage countries was a good thing: "Outsourcing is a growing phenomenon, but it's something that we should realize is probably a plus for the economy in the long run." This concept caught Bush's fleeting attention, and, despite turning a public cold shoulder to the jobs prediction, the President has taken Mankiw's philosophy to heart and is set to apply this latest bit of economic voodoo to The War Against Terror.

Bush has long held the neo-con posture that government should be run like a business and there's no business like big business. Following Mankiw's "outsourcing = good" mantra, Bush has decided to outsource the entire US Constitution (save for the 2nd Amendment) to Canada. This will allow Bush to more efficiently reorganize the federal government as a Limited Partnership with himself as chairman and CEO, streamlining his battle to rid the world of evil. "Canada's been better at that personal liberty thing anyways," according to Bush.

The new company will be named Hermano Mayor, Inc. (Spanish for "older brother") and will be operated as a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton with a mission statement of "Pursuing Community, Identity, and Stability." Headquarters will move from Washington to Houston because, according to Bush, "that's what Jesus and Dick Cheney told me to do." Cheney, meanwhile, will be named vice-chairman in charge of new acquisitions. His first project is expected to be a long rumored hostile takeover of Iran. A November shareholder vote is expected.

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