December 06, 2006 News & Views » The List

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Suggestions for Michael Richards

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"That's what happens when you interrupt a white man ..." -- Michael Richards

Richards, aka Seinfeld's "Kramer," is on the reputation rehabilitation track after shouting racial slurs at a Hollywood comedy club. But, we say forget about Howard Rubenstein, Jesse Jackson or the Rev. Al Sharpton -- penitence calls for a little originality! Here are a few suggestions, offered gratis, that might make Richards' apology more authentic ... or at least more interesting.

1. Appear on Oprah and cry while she scolds you. Call James Frey beforehand for pointers.

2. Apologize to "Afro-Americans" at the Apollo.

3. Kick Mark Fuhrman's ass.

4. Start a consciousness-raising group with Mel Gibson.

5. Send hate mail to Trent Lott.

6. Adopt a Malawi baby -- but make sure the child's parents won't object later.

7. Donate Seinfeld DVDs to anthropologists who can study what a monolithically white NYC might look like.

8. Join Ted Haggard at re-education camp.

9. Convince Dave Chappelle to return to Comedy Central.

10. Just like he "feels" Jewish, he should insist he "feels" black too.

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