July 19, 2006 News & Views » Cover

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Summer Loving 

Sizzling sex for the hot summer months

Page 4 of 4

Can't Openly Naturally Discuss Interest

P.S. If possible, could you please print this letter? He reads your column faithfully, and if he sees it, he just might get up his courage and try again.

Here's your letter, CONDI. Hopefully, your boyfriend will read it, recognize you and find the courage to bang away at your ass without making you beg for it first, thereby preventing you from having to admit what a dirty little butt-sex-obsessed slut you are.

Well! It looks like my work here is done.

Oh no, wait: Before we move on, a word of warning to others out there who think they recognize CONDI. This butt-sex-obsessed slut included tons of identifying details in her letter: age, height, weight, profession, hair color, location -- everything short of a Google map to her apartment. CONDI did this, of course, because she wanted to make damn sure her boyfriend recognized himself and her when he read the letter. What CONDI didn't anticipate, it seems, were the odds that her friends, family and coworkers might also read the letter and recognize her. Since I'm pretty certain CONDI didn't intend to out herself to everyone she knows as an ankle-grabbin', pillow-chompin', butt-sex-lovin' slut, I changed one or two identifying details in an effort to preserve her anonymity.

Unfortunately, there is now a small risk that CONDI's boyfriend won't recognize himself or her, which would defeat the whole purpose of running CONDI's letter in the first place. (Hint for CONDI's boyfriend: She doesn't really have a George W. Bush tattoo on her right breast -- I made that part up!) There's also a chance that the details I invented to throw CONDI's friends and family off her musky, musky scent might match some other woman out there, someone whose personal and professional history, by sheer coincidence, just so happens to match the one I've invented for CONDI. This could result in that person being on the receiving end of some unwanted anal attention.

But that's a risk we're just going to have to take.

Summer Loving

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