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Tackling the most annoying sex-advice question 

I want a human pet. The human pet must become a dog. Once in pup mode, my pet will wear a butt-plug tail, a collar, and paw mitts. My pet will not speak anything other than its assigned safe word. Its communications will be limited to barking, moaning, licking, wagging its tail, etc. The whole point is that, when done right, there is a dog shaped like a human but the shape is the only thing that isn't dog about my pet. The pet becomes so completely a dog that I wonder if it is bestiality to have sex with my dog/human pet.

Future Dog Lover

"Can vegans swallow?" used to be both the most annoying question and the most frequently asked question in the sex-advice business. Now it's just the most frequently asked.

Some people consider their pets to be "members of the family," but there's nothing incestuous about fucking your dog. There's something sick and wrong about it, of course, but it's not incest. Similarly, a human pretending to be a dog is still a human, FDL, so having sex with your dog/human pet isn't bestiality and never will be. I hope that doesn't ruin it for you.

I'm dating a woman who happens to be another chap's wife. He knows. In fact, he sometimes joins in. The problem is that he had cancer some years back. It's in remission, but his immune system was hit hard. How his body would deal with various sexually transmitted infections is in question. Would a "treatable" strain of syphilis mess him up?

I love my lady friend -- but since I'm dating around, we've started looking up info on the Internet about "safe sex" and have found a lot of contradictory info. You can get hepatitis B from kissing? HPV can sneak around condoms? Gonorrhea is starting to become antibiotic resistant? All this is making her feel like I might unintentionally expose her other beloved to something nasty.

Does "100 percent safe sex" even exist? Is there any way to protect my lover's husband?

Daunted By Threesome Reality

There's no such thing as "100 percent safe sex," just as there's no such thing as "100 percent safe chicken salad." (Sorry; recently saw Food, Inc.) There is only safer sex: Use condoms when appropriate, have more sex with fewer partners, get regular STI screenings. That said, hepatitis B is almost never transmitted by kissing, and there's a 100 percent effective vaccine for it. And while HPV can sneak around condoms, there's a highly effective HPV vaccine, too. And there are effective treatment options for those drug-resistant strains of gonorrhea. As for your lady's man's immune system ...

"If his cancer has been in remission for years, his immune system would be considered completely healthy," says Dr. Barak Gaster, my medical consultant at the University of Washington. "Even when an immune system is decimated by heavy chemo, it's amazingly able to reconstitute itself."

But the only way to ensure that you're not introducing an STI into your triad -- one that you're not already carrying -- is to commit, for the time being, to having sex with only these two people.

I'm a 19-year-old bisexual female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three months. She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at home with my VERY Catholic parents, and I'm not in a good enough financial position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I wouldn't want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments, auto insurance, etc. My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having a lot of fun together, and I wouldn't want to lose her. But she says that she can't be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our relationship from my family? Or is she the total cunt?

Comfortable Living In Temporary Secrecy

She's the cunt, totally. The reasons you've given her for not coming out to your family right this minute -- fear of being retaliated against financially, of losing your home, of derailing your education -- are not only legit, they're the only legit reasons to postpone coming out to your family. Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you, and cover your tuition, she shouldn't be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a three-month relationship.

Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin'.

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