Pin It
Submit to Reddit

That's what friends are for ... maybe 

Does guy want his lover to bang others, or is it all talk?

I'm a woman in a relationship with an AMAZING guy for eight years. We have great chemistry and are best friends. My man has this fantasy about seeing me fuck his friends. It comes up EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex. He begs me to call out their names during sex. I love to please him and I find it super-hot. But is this something that he really wants to explore? We never talk about it outside the bedroom. It also makes me feel awkward when we hang out with his friends, because I can't help thinking about how many times I've come while shouting their names. How can I open up this topic without giving him the idea that I actually would let one of his friends bone me? If this was something that he REALLY wanted to do, I'd be willing, but how do I ask him if he thinks about actually doing it?

Please Help Me

Some people will dirty-talk about shit they wanna experience IRL*, ATKS**, and some people will dirty-talk about shit they never wanna experience IRL. But the only person who knows if your boyfriend wants to do this shit IRL is your boyfriend — and he's not telling, and you're so worried that he'll think you actually wanna fuck his friends that you're not asking. And you don't wanna fuck his friends ... but you would fuck his friends ... but only if he wanted you to fuck his friends.

It's possible that your boyfriend wants to realize these fantasies IRL, PHM, but is so paralyzed by shame that he can't bring himself to talk about his fantasies when his dick isn't hard. His own shame may also have led him to misread the fact that you've never raised the subject outside the bedroom. He may be thinking, "We talk about it every single time we have sex! But she never brings it up when we're not having sex, so she must not be into it."

But it's just as possible that your boyfriend doesn't want to realize these fantasies. You've spent eight years demonstrating to him that you're down with his kinks — hell, his kinks are your kinks at this point. So it stands to reason that your boyfriend would've asked you to fuck his friends by now if he wanted you to fuck his friends.

So what do you do? Grab a drink with your boyfriend and ask him to talk with you about his kinks. Don't say, "Hey, do you really want me to fuck your friends? Because I would — I totally would — if that's what you wanted!" Instead, tell him you want to talk about his fantasies in a general, open-ended way because, hey, healthy couples can talk about their sexual fantasies. Start by telling him what turns you on about these fantasies, PHM, and then ask him what turns him on about them. Hopefully, he'll open up and you'll get some clarity about the IRL issue.

But if he can't bring himself to talk about his fantasies when you aren't fucking, that means you're never gonna fuck his friends IRL. Not because he doesn't want you to — he may — but because realizing these sorts of fantasies requires open, honest, and exhaustive communication. And if he can't do that (communicate with you), PHM, you can't do them (his friends).

* In real life.

** As the kids say.

I'm a man who just got out of a two-year relationship with a great girl. She was always a little controlling, and I felt like I had to tiptoe around her all the time, so I'm glad to be out of the relationship. But I was still providing her with a lot of emotional support.

This was fine until she started bothering me for advice on what to do about her rebound relationship. This seemed beyond the call of duty, and I suggested to her that we needed to reevaluate our boundaries. She flipped out and has threatened to force all our mutual friends to pick her over me. I'm also worried that she will tell everyone we know about my pegging kink. I'm comfortable with that aspect of myself, but other people don't need to know. Do I stick up for kinks or deny it and blame a vengeful ex?

Kink-outing Is Not Kind

Denying it won't work if your vengeful ex has photos or video that she's willing to deploy. So if there's documentary evidence, KINK, prepare yourself to own your kink and laugh it off. Assholes and vengeful exes can only use the details of your turn-ons against you if you're ashamed of them. If you don't care who knows, KINK, or you can fake it, the people who know won't care that they know, you know? Shrug off the reveal, laugh along with any good-natured ribbing, and look on the bright side: You could have mutual female friends who are interested in pegging and, after they hear the news, interested in you.

Pin It
Submit to Reddit


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Creative Loafing encourages a healthy discussion on its website from all sides of the conversation, but we reserve the right to delete any comments that detract from that. Violence, racism and personal attacks that go beyond the pale will not be tolerated.

Latest in Savage Love

Search Events
items in Creative Loafing Charlotte More in Creative Loafing Charlotte pool

© 2018 Womack Newspapers, Inc.
Powered by Foundation