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The Blotter: Forget Curfew 

Bizzare crime from Charlotte police files (March 16)

Joyride A woman living in the Westover Hills neighborhood called police last week after her boy went missing, although she was pretty sure he was just out doing hoodrat stuff with his friends. The woman told officers that her 13-year-old son and his friend took her Chevrolet Cruze for a joyride at 11 p.m. and she wasn't sure where they went or when they would be back.

Fuming Police responded to a Walmart on E. Independence Blvd. after employees there caught a man on tape inhaling fumes from a compressed air can in the parking lot. When officers arrived, they watched the footage of the man and then went to confront him, as of course he was still in the parking lot and in no rush to leave. The officers found four empty bottles of compressed air in the back of the man's SUV and charged him with inhaling toxic fumes, an inherently bizarre and dumb crime in itself.

The Chips Are Down A criminal with the munchies took desperate measures last week in order to get a few bags of chips. Police responded to a Frito Lay warehouse in the University area after someone cut through the chain used to secure the fence. Rather than steal truck equipment, as is often the case in incidents like this, the suspect instead went for the snacks. The thief made off with six cases of Frito Lays chips, worth $300 total, and nothing else.

Silly Toys A man made a big scene in a University area sex shop last week after he deciding he really wanted to go fuck himself. According to the report, the man walked into The Red Door on North Tryon Street and grabbed a Pipedream Extreme "Fuck Me Silly Mega Masturbation" toy and made for the door. Before anyone could even confront him about the fact that he was blatantly stealing, he began threatening that he had a gun and that nobody should try to stop him from leaving the store.

Force Field A young child's mother went to police last week after being rightfully concerned about the tactics her son's teacher was using to keep him in line in class. The woman told officers that the Westerly Hills Academy teacher assaulted her 10-year-old son by spraying Febreze air freshener directly into his face in an attempt to stop him from approaching her desk. That's one way to get some peace and quiet while also keeping the classroom fresh, I guess.

Bucket All A 26-year-old man in the Belmont neighborhood called police last week after a prized possession went missing, despite the fact that he found it shortly thereafter. The man told police that someone stole a bucket off his front porch at some point in the morning, and that he later spotted the bucket and recovered the bucket from a known suspect. Although it would seem this episode had ended, the man felt the need to get police involved and wanted the suspect charged with theft.

Special Delivery Police stumbled across a rather remarkable drug bust during a traffic stop in southeast Charlotte last week, and it even came with a corporate sponsor. Officers stopped a car for a traffic violation on Monroe Road, and the suspects inside made a mistake by giving them permission to search the vehicles. During the search, police found a digital scale with powder residue on it, nearly six grams of cocaine in two separate bags and - jackpot - a bag of 83 blue ecstacy pills with UPS emblems on them. The drug bust was worth $1,365 in total, but we're still bothered by the fact that the UPS X pills weren't even brown.

Hulk Smash Police arrested a man in east Charlotte last week after an argument escalated quickly between he and a group of people. According to the report, the suspect showed up and began an argument with a woman at her home, and as he left the residence he slammed the storm door so hard that a glass piece came out of the center of the door and smashed on the ground. The woman then chased him up the street, but he had other things on his mind. For a reason that is unclear in the report, the suspect then jumped on the hood of a Honda Accord that two men were driving up the street. The men began arguing with the suspect, who then shattered the rear windshield of the Honda. He then tried to get in his own car and drive away, but officers arrived on the scene and arrested him before he could do so.

In the Buff An east Charlotte man had quite a surprise waiting for him when he got out of the shower last week, and it was not an afternoon delight. The man later told police that he exited the bathroom with just a towel on only to find a strange man in his bedroom, hovering over his fiance's jewelry drawer. With no time to put on pants, the still-wet man went at it with the cat burglar, pushing him up against the wall and then literally throwing him out of the house. The man wasn't able to snatch any of the jewelry and the police were able to find him quickly as he walked down a nearby road, and a then-clothed victim identified him.

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