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The Blotter: Own Worst Enemy 

Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files

Look At Yourself It's been a time of reflection for gun owners as of late, but one man in the Starmount area wasn't having that last week, as he decided a long look in the mirror wasn't worth his time. Police responded to a Bojangles' on South Boulevard after a man allegedly shattered the mirror in the men's restroom by shooting it once with a pistol. He was charged with vandalism of property and shooting in city limits.

Don't Be That Guy Despite the fact that no crime has yet been committed, officers filed a report last week after receiving multiple complaints about the suspicious behavior of a man living in the Element Uptown Apartments on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. According to the report, on separate occasions staff and residents there have reported ambiguous threats from the man, including him mentioning bullets going into the apartment complex, making gun gestures with his hand, telling staff to watch their backs and — the kicker — swinging a sword around in the complex gym while others were trying to work out.

Early Start Another man in was acting similarly ridiculous in Uptown last week, this time in a business in the early morning. Police responded to the Charlotte Plaza on South College Street after a man threatened a parking garage attendant at 8:30 a.m. According to the report, the man told the attendant, "I'll kill you," then disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Well, to be clear, he ripped a fire extinguisher off the wall and sprayed the contents in his path as he walked away. The man was last seen on the light rail tracks, where he dislodged a metal gate and threw it down onto a vehicle parked below. Here's hoping his day got better from there.

Not Buying It Police responded to the Montclair South neighborhood in west Charlotte after a man was carjacked at gunpoint early one morning last week — or maybe not. Police arrived to Farmhurst Drive at around 5:15 a.m. to meet with a man who said he had just been robbed at gunpoint and that the thieves also made off with his car. According to the report, "officers found that the report did not happened [sic] and the suspect admitted that he made the story up." Well, that's one way to respond when you wake up not remembering where you left your car.

Back That Azz Up A 25-year-old woman will be thinking twice about where she places her phone when she goes clubbing after she was pickpocketed on the dance floor at the EpiCentre last week. The woman told police that she was at Bubble when she placed her phone in her back pocket then hit the dance floor. She said she didn't feel when someone took the phone out of her pocket, but only later realized it was gone. She called the phone twice, and on the second attempt, a man answered and told her she would have to pay him if she wanted it back.

Turn Up A man was charged with assault with a deadly weapon last week after using one wine bottle to fuck up two different people's days. According to the report, the man was arguing with a man on Briar Creek Road near Central Avenue when he picked up a broken wine bottle and threw it at the victim, a 23-year-old man. The bottle hit the victim in the hand, causing minor injury. The suspect then stomped on the victim's phone before picking the bottle back up and throwing it at the victim's car, cracking his windshield. Only later did he find out that the car didn't belong to the victim, and he owed a stranger $200.

Joyriding An 85-year-old Fort Mill man returned from a trip last week and immediately became suspicious that folks were messing with his stuff while he was gone. The man filed a police report stating that he was flew into Charlotte Douglas International Airport after being out of town between February 16 and 21. The man told police he valeted his Buick Encore with a service at the airport and when he got it back upon is return, "he noticed an excessive amount of mileage had been recorded on his odometer," according to the report.

No Thanks With so many porch bandits risking punishment to steal shit they don't need, it looks like thieves have become a little pickier as of late. One man in the Sedgefield area was able to keep his belongings after a car burglar decided they didn't want what he had to offer. The man reported that someone entered his unlocked Mazda Tribute overnight, in which he was keeping a "gag gift" on the front seat (no idea what it was, but we're hoping fake dog shit). The man said the would-be thief tore the wrapping paper enough to where they could see what was inside, then left it on the front seat and decided not to steal anything.

Censorship You know how sometimes folks can hack into those big programmable traffic emergency signs and make them say funny shit that can then be photographed and turned into a hilarious meme? Well, one thief wasn't playing those games when he broke into one of the signs at a north Charlotte construction site last week; he was there strictly for business. According to a report, some unknown suspect cut through the lock on the sign, cut the wires leading to the batteries that powered the sign and then stole the batteries from inside — six batteries in all, the value of which totaled $1,000.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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