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The Blotter: Tide Pod Gods 

Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files

Do Not Resuscitate They say the generation after millennials are called Generation Z, because they'll be the last one. That makes more sense when you consider the fact that the assholes have been eating Tide Podes and filming themselves doing it on the internet. Police responded to a Family Dollar on Sugar Creek Road last week after an unknown suspect was able to make off with 20 boxes of Tide Pods, costing $100 total. Who knows how much it will be worth on the black market, though.

Nerd Heist Heroes really are hard to find, but someone apparently found a whole bunch of them in east Charlotte last month. It looks as if the suspect had inside knowledge when they broke into a storage facility on Monroe Road in early January and went right for a unit owned by Heroes Aren't Hard to Find, a beloved comic book store in the Elizabeth neighborhood. According to a report filed by ownership there, the thief cut the lock to the unit and made off with multiple "collectable action figure statues," valued at $50,000 in total.

Pissed Off It's become a cliché for older folks to yell, "Get off my lawn," at neighborhood kids, and at this point it's more of a symbolic reference to grumpy senior citizen behavior than an actual thing that happens, but one 61-year-old man in east Charlotte has every right to be yelling it after a few kids from his neighborhood began relieving themselves on his yard. The man filed a report last week to inform police that "neighborhood kids had been urinating on his lawn and ruining the grass," according to the officer who filed the report. The man said that at least $100 in damage has been done to this point.

Take It As I've said before in this column, there are times when I come across a police report in which it becomes clear from what a thief stole that they needed those specific items more than the store needed the money. Such was the case for one poor soul who walked into a Walmart on W.T. Harris Boulevard in need of some serious relief. According to a report, someone concealed a bottle of anti-fungal cream and two packs of bladder relief capsules. Unfortunately, loss prevention officers caught the shoplifter before they could exit the store, leaving the suspect to continue suffering through their affliction while they waited for police to arrive.

Home Ec Police were called in to deal with a situation at Ridge Road Middle School in the Highland Creek neighborhood last week after a student was found with some snacks that didn't mesh with former First Lady Michelle Obama's school nutrition initiative. According to the report, during lunchtime a student was found in possession of four chocolate rice crispy treats, one Cheerio bar and two brownies, all of which were baked with marijuana.

Hanger On A 34-year-old woman filed a police report last week when she went to move into a home she had owned for some time only to find that she may not be welcome there. The woman said she had been renting the house out to a tenant, but that tenant had moved out voluntarily in early January. When she arrived at the house to live there herself on January 24, she found someone living there. She later found out this squatter was a roommate of her former tenant who had decided not to move out, possibly assuming that nobody would come check on the residence.

Done Police filed a report last week after someone found the items of a gym bag scattered along the street in east Charlotte then turned them into CMPD. Filing a non-criminal report for recovered property, the officer listed the items as a black gym bag, a basketball, sneakers, exercise clothes and toiletries. All of the items strewn about the street could only point to one thing: the ultimate "Fuck it" from someone who was sick of their New Year's resolution. He'll probably be back to claim his property on December 31, 2018.

Pump It Up A man was arrested for drug possession in west Charlotte last week, but one of the drugs he was carrying was a mysterious one, to say the least. An officer who made the arrest later filed a report stating that police has confiscated 14.4 grams of marijuana, a digital scale, a baggie with the corner ripped off and an "unknown penis pill" from the suspect.

Looks Familiar A man called police last week after he was driving down the interstate in Charlotte and realized the car next to him was stolen. How did he realize this, you ask? Because it belonged to him. The victim is the owner of a vehicle auction company in Rock Hill, and was driving south on Interstate 77 last week when he saw a Volkswagen Passat that he recognized as one that he was supposed to be auctioning off soon. He called police and followed the car, which officers eventually caught up with and pulled over. The car was found to be stolen from the man's lot in South Carolina.

Take a Skip Day Getting ready for school can be a stressful situation for a teenage girl. You can have a bad hair day, you're makeup might not be looking right, you might not be feeling any of your clean outfits, or you could fall victim to a paintball drive-by. The latter is what happened to one unfortunate girl in west Charlotte last week. The 16-year-old girl told police she was waiting for her school bus at at 6:35 a.m. when a car drove by and someone shot her multiple times with a paintball gun from the vehicle. The girl suffered minor injuries but refused any treatment from police or Medic. We hope she was able to take the rest of the day off, too.

All stories are pulled from police reports at CMPD headquarters. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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