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The Seattle sound: Best to ignore activity from the bathroom stall 

Plus some self-consciousness and a vibrator

I work in an office tower in downtown Seattle. From time to time, I go to a bathroom on a mostly deserted floor, go into a stall, and rub out a quick one. Usually, no one comes in.

Today, just as I was blowing a load into a handful of TP, someone came into the bathroom. This person walked up to the stall and stared through the door crack. This person stood there for a second before walking over to the urinal. He finished and left. I flushed and washed my hands and left. A security guard came around the corner while I was waiting for the elevator. He rode the elevator down with me but said nothing. At the lobby, I got in the elevator that takes me back to my floor. As the door closed, I heard someone say, "See that guy?"

I am paranoid that security is going to confront me. But have I done anything illegal? I may have exercised poor judgment and been squicky, but is it illegal to masturbate in a closed bathroom stall on private property?

Suddenly Pensive About Noontime Kicks

It isn't, SPANK, at least not in Seattle.

"There is an expectation of privacy in a bathroom stall," says Seattle Police Department spokesperson Sergeant Sean Whitcomb. "So obviously, what people do there is their personal business."

If things went down exactly as you described, SPANK, you're not in any legal danger, as you were doing your own private business in the privacy of a bathroom stall. The guy who peered into your stall, however, could be in trouble.

"Here's the irony: The person peeping into the stall is the person we'd be interested in talking to," says Whitcomb. "You don't need to be peeping into the stall to see if someone is using it, and looking into a stall long enough to make a determination as to what the person is doing in that stall, exactly, is an indication that you've been looking a little longer than you need to."

So, yeah, if anyone is going to jail here, SPANK, it's the peeper who reported you to the office tower's crack security team, not you.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Forgive me for laughing, SPANK, but I'm having a hard time keeping a straight face.

If someone called the actual cops about a toilet wanker — and not, say, the Seattle Police Department's polite and reasonable spokesperson — it's the wanker who'll wind up in handcuffs, not the caller. Beat cops don't generally give the benefit of the doubt to guys rubbing 'em out in public toilets. They'll assume you were cruising the toilet or, worse yet, that you're the kind of perv who gets off to the sounds and smells of other men taking craps, and they'll arrest you.

I am a woman who is with the love of her life. I enjoy sex immensely but have begun to fake orgasms because it hurts him that he is not making me come. I believe the obstruction is psychological. I am self-conscious about my body and can only come using a vibrator while looking at pictures of women with nice boobs. I fantasize that I am both the woman in possession of these assets and the person lusting after her. I am certain of my sexual orientation: I did quite a bit of experimenting with beautiful women, but they did nothing for me. Any insights?

Breasts On Other Babes

Stop faking, BOOB, and start incorporating your vibrator and your fantasies into the sex you're having with the boyfriend. Your boyfriend needs to talk a boob-esteem-building blue streak while you fuck — he needs to tell you how hot your breasts are, how much they turn him on — and you need to use your vibrator on yourself and fantasize aloud about the assets you've got and the assets you lust after while you two are fucking.

You know what works for you, BOOB, you just have to risk sharing it with the love of your life.

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