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Three's company? 

In this case, it can be a crowd

I'm a bisexual woman, age 20, and I am threesome-ing it with my best friend and her boyfriend during a stay abroad. I knew the girl (who's mostly straight) beforehand. The girl thinks it's hot when I participate -- i.e., when it's all three of us in bed -- but she gets jealous when her boyfriend and I do anything without her. This seems unnecessary, because I don't get jealous when she is alone with her boyfriend, and he doesn't get jealous when she and I do things alone.

She doesn't want to be possessive, but she's got alarms going off. Which is odd because in two months I'll be gone and they'll both be staying in Europe. It feels like she's suddenly setting a lot of limits on us. We have a blast when we're all together, but we have no real ground rules. I want this to work!

Bi Girl Interrupted

Gee, BGI, I'm shocked things aren't going well -- I mean, you have "no real ground rules," and as everyone knows, neglecting to establish ground rules is the secret to threesome-ing success.

Wait, did I say the secret to threesome-ing success? I'm sorry, BGI, I meant failure. To ensure the failure of a threesome -- whether you're threesome-ing your way through an evening or a summer abroad -- it's crucial that you refrain from establishing ground rules. Don't talk about your expectations, just make assumptions; don't make sure everyone's on the same page, just stomp around the minefield of love and lust until the whole fucking thing blows up in your faces.

I hope you're detecting the sarcasm here, BGI.

Here's what I suspect the problem is: You're operating under the assumption that you're an equal partner in this threesome, BGI, and that this is a sort of quasi-poly arrangement you're enjoying with your best friend and her boyfriend. Share and share alike, right? But your best friend, for her part, views you as a side attraction. She sees you as something -- pardon me, someone -- that she and the boyfriend brought into their relationship to enhance it, not someone who they've brought into the relationship itself.

In other words: They're the couple -- they were a couple before you came along, and they're planning to be a couple after you're gone. If you're unclear on that concept, BGI, it's because the three of you failed to establish clear ground rules and expectations and now you're confused, she's jealous, and he's either taking advantage or feeling caught in the middle.

Luckily it's not too late for the three of you to sit down and establish some ground rules. It may be that your friend, while comfortable with the idea of you and her messing around without the boyfriend, isn't comfortable with the idea of you and the boyfriend messing around without her. You may regard that limitation as unfair and irrational; the boyfriend may regard it as unfair and irrational; I may regard it as unfair and irrational. But if you want this to work, BGI, then you'll make allowances for your best friend's comfort levels and security and honor her limitations.

And if you don't wanna honor 'em, you're free to go.

I'm a recent college grad who's having a tough time meeting a nice girl. I'm above average in terms of looks (I work out regularly) and I'm pretty smart (I went to a top school). My problem is that I'm not outgoing, but very shy. This is probably the reason I'm not a big fan of the bar scene. Is there some way or place I can meet cute, smart girls in a more comfortable setting? Thanks.

Doing My Best

You, my friend, need a gay friend. A fun-lovin', presentable, passable male homo who wants to go out drinking with you, will get shit-faced with you, and, when he notices a girl checking you out or you checking out a girl, will push you in the girl's direction or walk up to her and ask if his cute-but-painfully-shy straight friend can buy her a drink. Women love cute-but-shy guys with gay friends. Trust me.

You can return the favor by going to gay bars with your gay friend, getting shit-faced with him, dancing shirtless with him, and telling anyone who hits on you that you're hopelessly straight but that your gay friend here is single and awesome.

Finally, DMB, if your gay friend hooks you up with the woman you wind up marrying, he not only gets to be your best man, but he also has the option of blowing you immediately before the ceremony. The gay mafia is pretty strict about enforcing this last provision.

I met a kind, funny, attractive man. The problem is his penis is pretty small. I spent the past two years with a well-endowed ex and it's hard to be satisfied now that I'm not being "filled up." How do I broach the subject of using toys without hurting his feelings? I want to bring my silicone friends into the bedroom!

Canadian Craving More Cock

I wouldn't advise you to pull open a junk drawer full of dick-shaped silicone friends, CCMC, as that will prompt your boyfriend to draw immediate and unflattering comparisons to his own junk. Instead, take a hard look at some of your boyfriend's other body parts. He may not be able to give you that filled-up feeling with his dick, but I'll bet he could with one or both of his forearms. (And, hey, most men have feet that are at least 10 inches long.) Done correctly -- lots of lube, lots of time -- fisting won't hurt you. Done incorrectly -- too little lube, too little time -- and fisting could land you in the hospital, at the morgue, or on the Drudge Report. While there's tons of good info on the web about vaginal fisting (gotta love that vaginal-fisting entry on Wikipedia), I urge wannabe fisters to invest in a copy of A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington.

Oh, and those watches and wedding bands, beginning fisters? Remove 'em or lose 'em.

Readers respond to my advice for Shitty Boyfriend In The Midwest at www.thestranger.com/savage/shitty.

To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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