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What Would Jesus [Blank]? 

"What would Jesus do?" was bad enough, but when the national "What would Jesus drive?" anti-SUV campaign began, I hit my exasperation limit. Where do people get off telling others how Jesus would act, when his teachings have been subject to widely varying interpretations for centuries? What presumption! What gall!

Or at least that's what I thought. Then, a couple of nights ago, much to my surprise and shock -- now, don't think I'm crazy or anything -- Jesus came to me in a dream and, as if he understood my frustrations, he told me what he would drive. And then he told me a lot of other things he would do if he were physically present in the world today. I know how weird this sounds, believe me, but it really happened. And he told me to let everyone know so there won't be any more stupid arguments about what he'd do in various situations.

So, at risk to my credibility, and as a leap of faith and in hopes of finally settling these moronic questions once and for all -- here are the things Jesus told me he would do. Really.

What would Jesus drive? A green 1966 Ford Mustang.

What would Jesus eat? Broiled fish, and lots of it.

What sports would Jesus play? Soccer and marbles.

What computer would Jesus use? Power Mac.

What would Jesus watch on TV? Seinfeld reruns.

What is Jesus' favorite movie? Blazing Saddles.

Who are Jesus' favorite actors? Errol Flynn and Annette Bening.

What jeans would Jesus wear? Late-1970s Jordache.

What shoes would Jesus walk on water in? Florsheim wingtips or Converse All-Stars, depending on rest of outfit.

What would Jesus enjoy as a hobby? Scuba diving.

Where would Jesus shop for groceries? Bi-Lo.

What would Jesus read? The Torah, and mysteries by Ross McDonald.

What toilet paper would Jesus use? White Cloud.

What brand of television would Jesus buy? JVC high-definition.

What type of vacuum cleaner would Jesus use? Hoover canister with upright attachment.

What household cleaner would Jesus use? Spic and Span.

What kinds of pets would Jesus have? A terrier-beagle mix and a donkey.

What houseplants would Jesus have? Philodendron and a snake plant. And maybe some African violets.

What current CDs would Jesus buy? McCartney live double-CD and Shakira.

What cologne would Jesus wear? Premium by Phat Farm

What kind of grass seed would Jesus sow? Centipede/Zoysia mix.

What kind of mower would Jesus use? Toro 24-inch blade, no bag.

What kind of toolbelt would Jesus wear at his day job? Boulder Bags' 250 Carpenter Comfort Plus

What is Jesus' favorite bread? Dark rye.

What is Jesus' favorite wine? Mogen David Concord Grape.

What is Jesus' favorite mixed drink? Sidecar. Close second: Bombay Gin martini, straight up with two olives.

What is Jesus' favorite beer? Mort Subite from Belgium.

What is Jesus' favorite bottled water? Aquafina.

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