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What's up? Not this guy 

I'm a guy in my late 30s and have been married for 12 mostly happy years, with three kids. I've never cheated, despite a boring sex life that I've tried to spice up. My efforts were not received well. Anyway, I meet a girl, we're attracted to each other, and we decide to go for it. No, my wife does not know. Yes, I'm an asshole. And the problem is, suddenly I can't get it up — for either of them! Neither my hand nor porn work, either. WTF? I have NEVER had this problem. It's been three attempts — patient girl, huh? — and so far nothing. I can't tell if this is guilt, performance anxiety, or what. Do you have any suggestions? I doubt it's medical, since the onset occurred precisely when this girl and I decided to have sex, and that would be far too much of a coincidence.

No Catchy Sign-Off

I'm thinking either it's guilt plus performance anxiety or it's a huge and highly unlikely coincidence. A medical checkup can rule out the latter, but only a thorough examination of your feelings, your motives, and your circumstances can help the former.

You've taken a huge and potentially very consequential step: You're gonna cheat on the wife (three attempts? you're already cheating), and if the wife finds out, that could mean divorce. (It shouldn't mean divorce, in my opinion, but it usually does.) Seeing as the potential consequences for you, your wife, and your kids are so dire that you've been struck bonerless, I would advise you to stop seeing the patient girl ... for now.

You're going to have to — sorry! — talk to the wife about your frustrations and the possibility of opening up your marriage. Because the only way your dick is going to work with other women, NCSO, is if you're not risking everything with it.

FORMER US SENATOR and current presidential candidolt Rick Santorum "opened up" to Roll Call recently about his "longtime Google problem," aka "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex" and always the No. 1 search result when you Google the former senator's last name.

"It's one guy," Santorum told Roll Call. "You know who it is ... It's unfortunate that we have someone who obviously has some issues."

I do have issues, but I take particular issue with politicians who compare loving, stable same-sex relationships to "man on dog" sex, as he has done, or who would ban same-sex marriage and adoptions by same-sex couples, as he has promised to do if he gets elected president. But the lowercase s santorum campaign wasn't "one guy." A lot of people were involved — from the Savage Love reader who suggested we redefine the name to all the folks who've written about it over the years — just like a lot of people were involved in turning him out of office in 2006, an election he lost by an 18-point santorumslide.

The website that's still giving Rick Santorum fits — www.spreadingsantorum.com — hasn't been updated since 2004. But we're going to be relaunching the site in the next few weeks. Stay tuned!

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