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Woman pulls bait-and-switch on boyfriend 

I've been with my loving, adventurous, GGG, kind boyfriend for two years. We're both in our mid-to-late 20s, but I've had more experience. In the beginning, I was honest about having been in a few threesomes. He was turned on by the idea and initially I encouraged him. However, as we became more emotionally involved, I decided that I couldn't share him. When I told him this, we got into a huge fight. He feels that he's missing out because we have a good, healthy, loving, stable relationship.

He won't let the issue go. The most I can honestly tell him is that, should the circumstances be exactly right, then maybe. Considering the stars will likely never align themselves, I feel like his rehashing of the subject just upsets me and gets us nowhere. How do I effectively tell him that no he's not missing out on anything, no I didn't betray him or lie to him but justifiably changed my mind, and please, darling, shut the fuck up.

Love Obligates Sexual Exclusiveness

"Telling your boyfriend he's not missing out isn't going to dampen his enthusiasm," says Vicki Vantoch, author of The Threesome Handbook. "Plus, it's not true -- he is missing out on threesomes, which are popular because they're hot!" Threesomes aren't for everybody, of course, "but if you really love this guy, it may be worth exploring your threesome-blocking hang-ups. The idea that you can't share your boyfriend because you love him may be something you can't get over, but some couples find that having a threesome with someone you love brings you even closer, if you do it consciously." So what does Vicki think you should you do? "Tell your boyfriend that you understand his desire to have a threesome, but you need time to figure out if a three-way could work for you. Agree to revisit the discussion in three months -- if he stops pushing."

Hm. I've been right there with Vicki until that last bit of advice for LOSE. It seems pretty clear that LOSE has no intention of having a three-way with her boyfriend today, three months from now, or ever. So telling the boyfriend it might happen if he could only shut up about it for a while seems a bit dishonest.

Hey, LOSE? You know who needs to shut the fuck up? You do.

You made your boyfriend a promise, you backed out, and he has a right to feel misled. For that, you owe him an apology. Period. Are you obligated to have a three-way now? No, of course not. But you are obligated to cease misleading him. So stop feeding him bullshit about planets that you know damn well aren't ever going to align. If being with you means never having a threesome, LOSE, you need to tell him that now so he can make an informed choice about whether he wants to be with you at all.

I get a shitload of e-mail from folks -- OK, mostly straight guys -- who were promised regular oral, three-ways, bi action, visits to pro dommes, etc., during courtships only to be told, once they'd committed, that "love" nullified all those tantalizing offers. That sexual bait-and-switch bullshit destroys relationships, LOSE -- even good, healthy, loving, stable relationships.

Here's what's up: My wife and I were making love the other night and after about 20 minutes of great sex she told me she was going to come. She went ahead and had a great orgasm and then pretty much shut down. I was left lying on the bed with a huge hard-on and the expectation that she would "help" me out a little bit. But after a few minutes, it became apparent she had no intention of doing anything but going to sleep. We had a minifight about it later. She felt that since on other (rare) occasions I have had an orgasm and she hasn't, it was OK to leave me the way she did. What gives? I have a case, don't I?

Incidentally, for some reason after 10 minutes of this bickering, we were both still turned on and we ended up having sex again -- and this time we BOTH got off!

Loaded Question

So long as you've offered to get the wife off on those occasions when you've come first -- and made the offer with a smiling, upbeat, only-too-happy-to-do-it tone in your voice, LQ, and followed through -- she is obligated to do the same. If, however, you've rolled over and passed out on those occasions when you've come first, she is under no obligation to treat your ass with any more consideration.

I love my husband. But he won't eat it. Absolutely won't lick me down there. I do everything for him! We've even started ass play, with me sticking a finger in his ass while I blow him.

But I've gone without oral for 15 years! I've explained to him that I can't come -- not hard! -- without it. He insists that he never will go there and he has accused me of trying to make him do something totally against his moral code. I'm distraught to the point of wanting to cheat on him just to get some oral. What do I do?

Unlicky In Love

Cheat on him already, UIL.

And while you're online searching for a man who'll go down on you -- perhaps you can make an "eat-it-and-beat-it deal," i.e., oral and jerking off only, with one of the many married men out there whose wives won't let them eat it? -- I'm going to go online and Google "moral codes." I'm curious about this mysterious moral code your husband cites, one that permits a finger up the butt during a blowjob but forbids cunnilingus entirely. I know it's not a Catholic thing -- I was an altar boy -- but maybe it's a Mormon delusion, like magic underpants and coffeephobia and "Mitt Romney 2012."

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to

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