Blind Leading the Blind

Thursday, June 23, 2011

She's just not that into you, dude

Posted By on Thu, Jun 23, 2011 at 8:27 AM

For some reason, I get a lot of e-mails asking me to hang out — via Facebook from guys with profile pictures of themselves standing shirtless in a mirror with their face washed out from the reflection of their own camera flash. Which I've never understood because it's Facebook, not Match.com, and I don't have the "interested in dating" checkmark checked. But apparently I do have "Dear Abby" written across my profile because I also get a lot of e-mails from guys asking me for advice about their love life. Which leads to this week's "Blind Leading the Blind" letter.

Dude:

I'm a very sweet guy and I just took out the most beautiful woman in the world, but she doesn't wanna date me or anyone for a while. So my question is, how can I be sweet and show her what type of guy I am without pushing her away or getting stuck as just a friend?

Me:

Well why doesn't she want to date anyone? What's her EXCUSE for that?

Dude:

She says that every time she's in a relationship, she forgets who she is and I can kinda understand that. So she wants to take some time and get to know herself, and I have to respect that or I'll seem like I'm trying to rush things. I just usually always get stuck as just a friend no matter how hard I try! Thanks Ms. Cason for any help and advice

Me:

You do nothing. You save your time and escort yourself right on over to the friend zone and make yourself comfortable there, because she's not into you. Women tend to make up excuses not to hurt nice guy's feelings. My go-to excuse is, "I'm too busy" to date, but if I really wanted to date someone, I would find the time. There is nothing wrong with venturing into the friend zone as every woman wants her man to be her friend first and foremost. But if we wanted you as more (as in physically) you wouldn't have to question it. We're just as horny as you are, and we're in charge of making the executive decision as to whether you get laid or not. If this chick says she doesn't want to date anyone, that's just code for "I don't want to date you" ... so go let her date an asshole and you go find yourself a nice girl! And as soon as you do that, she'll miss the attention you've been giving her and you'll look all shiny and new to her, and perhaps a little less like a friend. Trust me. Try it out, just for fun.

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Friday, June 10, 2011

Unpack those bags!

Posted By on Fri, Jun 10, 2011 at 2:44 PM

Baggage. We all have it.

And the older we get, the more baggage we accumulate. Ex-wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, emotional scars, resentments, debt, alimony payments, real estate, reputation, etc. etc. Basically anything in your past life that you still carry around with you. (Kids do not count as baggage, for the record. They're more of a positive thing, like a package deal.) Baggage is the crap that is weighing you down and keeping you from getting to where you want to go, and in turn, making you appear like a hoarder, and a lot less appealing to future travel partners.

baggage52908

Take a load off why don't you.

Don't journey into a new relationship carrying all your souvenirs and remnants of failed relationships past.

Don't be a hoarder. Throw out your junk so you can make room in your suitcase for new things. Heal wounds and throw out resentment. And show your next travel partner what's in your suitcase — so they can decide if they want to help you carry that baggage or not.

Think of it this way. When you start dating someone, it's like going on a honeymoon. The two of you sail off into your own little world where you get to know one another. If you're carrying around baggage from your past relationships, you'll max out your luggage allowance and not have room to pack new memories.

Perhaps relationships should be like airlines and start charging a checked luggage fee. Pack lightly so everything fits into a carry-on.

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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Luck be a Lady ... cat

Posted By on Wed, Jun 1, 2011 at 1:47 PM

Once upon a time there was a girl — a goofy, geeky tomboy, rather — who auditioned for a cheerleading squad. A fairy godmother came along and completely made her over, and somehow (perhaps even magically) she transformed into an NFL cheerleader. I'm not going to say, "And she lived happily ever after" here, because this isn't a fairy tale. It's my story — and just the beginning of the calamity of errors that became my life.

Where in being read fairy tales did little girls confuse dreaming of becoming a princess and finding a prince, to becoming a cheerleader?

... I don't know, but I can tell you how you can live out those childhood fantasies.

The Charlotte Bobcats' Ladycat auditions are June 11, starting at 10 a.m. at Time Warner Cable Arena. But these girls aren't cheerleaders by any means, they're dancers. NBA dancers. And they have a choreographer who is All-Pro in the dance scene. So, if you're one of the many young women who need a stage, might I suggest the arena floor.

Anyone can audition ... even 6 feet tall men. See,

bog sexy at ladycats

And as you can see, I am one of the judges for auditions. But I don't judge, I just like to dance ... to the beat of my own drum, much like the tall guy in a wig pictured above.

You can find information on auditions here. Goooooo You!

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Caution flags in relationships

Posted By on Thu, May 19, 2011 at 12:58 PM

I was once invited to go on the Rachael Ray show as an "expert" to discuss my article featured on AOL's homepage: My Boyfriend was Living a Double Life. (Which really confused me because I thought it was a cooking show. But apparently I am the poster child for heartbreak, so I can cook up some relationship advice — using my own mistakes as lessons.)

Race week in Charlotte actually inspired my talking points for the Rachael Ray show ...

Wouldn't it be nice if, when dating, we had someone to wave yellow caution flags for us like NASCAR drivers do during a race — to let us know if there is debris, or bullshit, on our track ahead. Because you have to keep an eye out for red-caution flags in relationships, as I learned the really hard way.

cautionflagpic

Some caution flags to look out for …

Are you spinning your wheels?

Technically men are the ones who get to decide when women get married — based on when they ask. If you keep waiting for him to advance your relationship, and he’s telling you it’s a marathon and not a sprint, then he probably doesn’t intend on finishing the race with you. If you’re waiting for a fairy tale to unfold, I hate to be the one to tell you that Cinderella isn't real — and you’re likely headed for an unhappy ending.

Check your blindspot and utilize your spotter

If someone is waving a caution flag in front of you ... pay attention! And it might be a good idea to take a glimpse in the rearview mirror and make sure no one else is in it. My mentality of living in the now and always driving forward made me completely disregard the past ... and the fact he was still living in it, with no regard to a future with me. Look how well that turned out for me.

Is he on your pit crew ... or driving against you?

Is he jealous and over-protective of you? If so then it’s probably because he is doing something that would warrant those feelings, from you. If he’s questioning your loyalty then you may want to question his. And if you are in fact questioning his loyalty — RED FLAG! Worse, if you ever feel so insecure to the point you feel the need to pry and spy, it’s time to throw in the flag on that relationship ... or get your head checked.

Continue reading »

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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The best place to go for relationship advice: Your stomach

Posted By on Wed, May 4, 2011 at 10:15 AM

When it comes to a woman's love life, oftentimes her guiding counsel are her girlfriends. "What do you think I should do?" ... "What does that mean?" ... "Do you think he meant X when he did Z?" ... we ask each other as though we're male, therapists and fortune tellers. Some girls I know have to consult their three best friends before replying to a text message.

Friends can offer solid advice —  but the one thing that will never steer you wrong is your gut.

heart-on-stomach

I'm not talking about the growling in your stomach telling you that you're hungry and forgot to eat breakfast. I'm referring to your intuition.

Your head tends to over-rationalize things and debate with itself. Your heart can be naive, fragile and make excuses. And your friends can be biased toward you, offering only one-sided advice ... not to mention they too are female with about as much insight into the male mind as you have. Your gut is always right. Because it offers not a thought, but a feeling.

Try and silence your head so you can hear your intuition talking to you through your stomach. I promise you'll make better decisions. Now, if only our heart had a brain, then we'd be set.

This is true about every aspect of life. If your stomach is telling you not to walk down that dark street alone, you should consider a different route. If your stomach is telling you not to do something that your mind is doing on auto pilot, listen to your stomach, and react accordingly. It's almost as though your stomach has psychic abilities. Use that gut feeling as your guiding light.

If this were a musical, this is where we'd all break out into song and dance to Jewel's "Intuition" ... Let go of your mind, Your Intuition, It will lead you in the right direction, Yeahhhh Oooohh Ooooh Intuition.

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Monday, April 25, 2011

From douche bags to chocolate cake: Why do we always crave what's bad for us?

Posted By on Mon, Apr 25, 2011 at 10:49 AM

Cason-Point: Last weekend I was craving McDonald's ... and an ex-quasi-boyfriend I hadn't seen nor talked to in months. Both are equally bad for me. And both things I don’t think about unless I’ve hit my head, been trapped in a building with a gas leak, or been drinking while PMS'ing. One of those must have occurred because not only did I think about it, I thought it a good idea to walk through the drive-thru at McDonald's to get bad food, and then call bad boy.

He answered, disappointed I'm sure, that I was calling out of the blue at 2 a.m. just to say "hey" and see how he was doing, not booty-calling. Apparently he had moved while I was moving on.

“Want to come over and see my new place?” he asked me … which is code for “Want to come over and see my penis?"

For Lent, we’re supposed to give up a vice of some sort. I gave up vegetables and douche bags. I tricked myself into forbidding vegetables, so I’d actually want to eat them. Because not being able to have something makes you want it even more. But why? Why do we crave what’s bad for us, especially when we know we can’t have it?

Men are like chocolate cake. At least the ones that we know are bad for us, but want and crave anyway.

When it’s in front of us, we want to eat it. When it’s not, we don’t even think about it, let alone crave it. Unless we’re pregnant or on the verge of menstrating.

Speaking of cake …

piece of cake

Last week I was only able to manage to squeeze in about 20 hours of sleep in between working on various projects from this blog to my book to Brad Paisley’s new music video. I can’t believe I use to complain about 8 a.m. classes in college — they seem like a cake walk now. Especially because that’s all I did in college … walk around and look for cake. I still do that. As you can see, I made sure to find some on set at the video shoot. And my model friend couldn’t even take a break from cake-eating to pose for a picture. We have our priorities.

Overall, I was good for Lent … but I think some celery and broccoli did sneak into my diet. And that cheeseburger from McDonald’s had mushrooms on it.

Now that Easter’s passed and the delicious Easter candy such as peanut butter eggs and chocolate-covered Peeps will no longer be available, why not stick to the no vice policy. Isn’t self-improvement motivation enough? No? … OK, well pretend it’s still Lent.

I wish it were easier to give up things that are bad for us, and that we didn’t instinctively crave them — like Eve craved that damn forbidden apple that is the alleged source of my monthly cramps and weird cravings.

It’s not a piece of cake to deprive ourselves of our naughty cravings… no pun intended. When I start craving spinach the way I do chocolate cake, I’ll let you know how to stop craving what’s bad for us. Until then, just don’t order dessert.

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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Don't shit, or have sex, where you eat

Posted By on Thu, Mar 31, 2011 at 2:20 PM

I'm about to go where no woman blogger has gone before ... to the bathroom.

You can read advice columns about dating and maintaining a passionate relationship, but what about when the shit hits the fan? And I mean that literally.

You're dating a guy. It's still relatively new, in the sense that you spend the night together, but he doesn't know you poop or fart yet. You guys go to dinner and go back to his place for sexy time. But your body is busy digesting your food and is ready to dispose of it. What do you do?...what do you do?

How do you make going #2 a one-person affair ... and go in his house without getting caught?

I called in back-up to answer this question for you ladies. Those for whom I seek my own advice from like volunteer therapists and muses — my girlfriends.

"The shower trick. Works every time. Tell him you want to shower before bed, run the water and poop. Then jump in the shower and wash off, using soap and something that is smelly so you can dilute the poop fumes." ~a girlfriend

"Take a shower! He also likes this usually cause I come out all wet, smelling good and naked but really I just wanted to have an excuse to shit without killing the mood. Girls can be sneaky, too." ~a different girlfriend

modern-toilet-by-benedeki

"I'm a fan of the good ol' fashion fan. Just turn on the overhead fan. It masks the sound and clears the smell more quickly. Guys typically don't have air freshener in the room (if they do, maybe look around and make sure they have both testicles) so if it's really stinky you can take like the shampoo or liquid soap and wave it around the room with the cap open (that way it smells like their usual products versus perfume, or worse, shit). But realistically, girls have a keener sense of smell than guys, so they probably won't even notice. Plus, a big poop is easier to explain than weirdly waving around their hygiene products." ~another girlfriend

"LEAVE! Make up a reason for having to leave or go home. Tell him you got to let your dogs out and use that time to go to the bathroom yourself." ~another girlfriend

"When I'm traveling with him I tell him I'm going to get a snack or some drinks and use the lobby bathroom." ~another girlfriend

Or, you can take my married girlfriend's advice: "I'll sit there and take a poop while he's shaving at the sink and then dutch oven him. I don't care. Girls shit, piss, burp and fart .... just cause we have a vagina doesn't mean we aren't human. We have three holes to control and men only have two. Cut us some slack."

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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Jenny Craig's boyfriend

Posted By on Thu, Mar 24, 2011 at 1:05 PM

Your self-help books tell you he's not that into you. Your friends tell you "don't do it man" when you're considering asking her to marry you. Your father refuses his blessing, and your mom thinks she's the cutest thing ever.

Guy or girl, when it comes to dating advice — who are you supposed to listen to?

How about a seemingly perfect stranger with a blog ... and an unbiased opinion. I offer great advice, I just never heave my own ... and then go out and make a lot of mistakes you can learn from. Got issues (who doesn't)? Drop a line to brittney.cason@creativeloafing.com with the subject line: "The Blind Leading the Blind."

Dear Brittney,

My girlfriend is starting to gain weight. It's so bad I'm not really attracted to her anymore. Not just her body, but her attitude about it. She doesn't ever want to work out and always wants to go out to eat and she orders fried food!! I know it's reversible, but how do I tell her I think she needs to lose weight without freaking her out or hurting her feelings?

Signed,

Jenny Craig's boyfriend

Dear Jenny Craig's boyfriend,

Very wise of you to proceed with caution. If you breach the subject of her weight with comments like "Are you really going to eat that?" then you're just going to end up on the other end of her finger being the ridiculed source of her insecurity. She should want to lose weight for herself and her health — not to appease you. And you need to trick her into thinking that's the intent (and if you truly love her, then that should actually be your sincere intent ... just saying). Start planning some outdoor activities together where exercise is a side effect. Go to the grocery store and stock the fridge with lean meats and veggies. Sugarcoat the truth (using no calorie artificial sweetener). Suggest that you want to get into shape for the summer and ask her if she wants to be your diet and exercise buddy — like girls do with each other. As long as you don't force her on the scale and give her a math problem. Chances could be that she doesn't even realize she's gaining weight. Is she stress eating? ... are you stressing her out, Mr. Jenny Craig? Did you knock her up? Consider there might be a logical reason to this weight gain. If not, and it's just pure laziness, then light a fire under her ass. Speak now, or forever hold your piece of cake. Here's the alternative ...

09-fat-girl-1

Love, Brittney

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Monday, February 21, 2011

Dear Abby ... err, Brittney

Posted By on Mon, Feb 21, 2011 at 3:18 PM

Welcome to the first edition of Blind Leading the Blind. I feel that I make a lot of mistakes so that I can learn from them ... and then teach others not to make them. And that's why I'm here, for you. So if you need guidance on the perils of dating in Charlotte (and someone to keep it real) hit me up at brittney.cason@creativeloafing.com.

Assault and Blackberry Battery

User-Created-Pip-Boy-3000-Blackberry-Theme

Dear Brittney,

My boyfriend travels a lot for work, so he's gone a lot. He texts me all day long to tell me he misses me and loves me and that he got to his destination safely, but he never actually calls me. He used to always call me to say good night, but doesn't anymore. And when I call him his Blackberry goes straight to voice mail and he says his phone died or broke or something. But it happens ALL THE TIME. Like every time he goes away. He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him, but I just can't make sense of it. I don't know how to bring it up to him without sounding like I don't trust him. Do you think he's cheating?

Sincerely,

Blackberry Blues

Dear Blackberry Blues,

I think for starters he needs a new phone or charger … problem solved. The problem with the phone at least. Though that does seem suspect, especially if he’s not actually picking up the phone to drain the battery — anyone with a Blackberry can contest to its short battery life. But there are other questions you should be asking: Has his behavior changed otherwise? Do you need to recharge your relationship in addition to his Blackberry battery?

They do make travel chargers you know — you could get him one and do something sweet for him without looking suspicious or insecure. And in turn take away his excuse that his "phone broke." If he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him, don’t go fishing for one. But then again, don’t all hotel rooms have phones? Just saying!

Love,

Brittney

Continue reading »

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Like attracts like: Assholes attract assholes

Posted By on Wed, Feb 16, 2011 at 3:08 PM

“I am flypaper for freaks” … “Why can’t I get a good guy?” … “Only assholes are attracted to me”

Those are the sentiments that tend to be discussed at most girls' night.

I’ve spent most of my life wondering why I can’t seem to find a good guy, and I think I finally figured it out: because like attracts like. It’s the law of attraction … literally.

You get back what you put out. So that means if you’re only attracting assholes, then either that’s what you want (and you’re a masochist) — or that’s what you are, thus that’s what you get.

The last guy I dated (whatever “dating” means) was a lot like me. We got each other and understood one another’s hectic lifestyles and off-the-wall sense of humor. I thought that was a good thing. Boy was I wrong.

Like Tucker Max said in his book Assholes Finish First, “Show me a genuinely funny person without emotional issues and I’ll introduce to you my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.”

He has a point.

People tend to use humor to help them carry their emotional baggage — being funny to mask and over-compensate their true feelings.

But his emotional baggage, though designer and easy to carry, was still baggage, and in turn he lied like a Persian rug on a rich man’s floor, to hide his truth not only from me, but from himself. After I peeled off the first layer of his façade, I saw him for who he was … an asshole.

Shit, does this mean I’m an asshole, too? Like does attract like, after all.

I realized that I have in fact treated guys the way he treated me, like an option versus a priority. I've taken advantage of and lied to guys before, even cheated on one. And so I had made my bed and I was lying in it … alone.

Karma is a bitch, and apparently so am I.

So if you want a good person who is going to treat you right, you have to be that good person. Not just to the person you’re with, but everyone.

Don’t lie to people and you won’t be lied to. Don’t use people and you won’t be used. Don’t deceive and you won’t have to dance with deception. Don’t cheat and you won’t be cheated. Don’t hate and you will have love. Simple as that.

Follow the golden rule and treat people the way you want to be treated, and you’ll be golden!

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