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Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (Jan. 21) 

Need some space

It's Not You, It's Me Police filed a missing persons report when a teenager was discovered missing from his uptown residence. Borrowing a line usually reserved for break-up texts or AIM away messages, the 15-year-old left a note claiming he "needed some space," but would be back later. Three days later, the teen's mother decided he needed less space and filed a report.

Bulky Outfit While it's perfectly normal for people to be found attempting to leave retail stores with a few items under their jacket, a man at the Target at Metropolitan last week took his shoplifting to another level. The man was stopped by security who found it odd that he spent so much time shopping without making a single purchase and quickly saw that he had found many items to his liking. Concealed in his clothing were two cameras, a pack of Hanes boxers, multiple camera bags, speakers, headphones, computer protection software and 12 videogames.

Y'all Come Back Now Two suspects entered a Walgreens on Colony Road last week and loaded their shopping baskets with an assortment of sinus medicines that are known meth ingredients and $800 worth of dental hygiene products and Rogaine. The thieves weren't completely without manners, however, as one of them looked at an employee on their way out and matter-of-factly said, "We're taking this," before they left and dove into a waiting getaway car with the merchandise.

Glass(es) Half Full? Responding to a 1 a.m. noise complaint, a 35-year-old man was attempting to escort unruly guests out of his University City apartment. One guest turned on the apartment owner, grabbing his glasses and flinging them to the ground. The victim notified police of the incident and explained that he was unable to find his discarded glasses. He saw things more clearly the next morning, and called to amend the story, clarifying that the suspect had actually left with the glasses, leaving behind just a single lens. Now if he can just find an eyewitness.

Upholstery Artist A 71-year old woman called police to her Raintree neighborhood home after discovering animal drawings had been carved into her wooden furniture. The woman skipped over the obvious explanations (like ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics or that God was planning to flood the earth and advising her to build an ark and load it with the animals depicted in the sketches) and instead advised police that she believed the armchair artist was her neighbor, who must have entered her home earlier that day for the sole purpose of carving animal sketches into her furniture.

Hacker with Heart While checking his online credit report, a 30-year-old Charlotte man discovered that his identity — including his name, date of birth and Social Security number — had been stolen and used by an unknown suspect for nearly four years. The victim's personal details had been used to open a line of credit and receive medical services from an out-of-state cardiologist. The crook must have had a conscience, however, as all fraudulent accounts were closed in good standing, and there was no monetary loss to the victim.

Back to the Academy A recent police report regarding the solicitation of a minor over a cell phone raises more questions about the education of some officers in the CMPD than it does about sexting behavior. In the report, an officer reported that at some point during winter break, a West Charlotte middle school student "used an electronic devise [sic] in an attempt to sillicide [sic, wtf] sex for money."

Leaving The Past Behind A 50-year-old woman filed a police report last week when she realized a full month after moving that she left some of her family members behind. The woman had moved just a street over in the same neighborhood off Sharon Road in December, but did not realize until January 14 that she had left a box full of important... things at the old house that the new tenants would probably not want. Listed in the property description area of the report, the misplaced item is described as "a box containing three cremated people."

Book Burning It seems the Nazis are in town. Police and fire fighters responded to a small fire call in the parking lot at Freedom Park last week. After extinguishing the flame-on-a-pole, the CFD realized that someone had intentionally set fire to a Little Free Library in the lot, designed to allow anyone (except enemies of knowledge, apparently) to donate and borrow books as they please.

Not on Pinterest A Charlotte woman notified police when she received upwards of 60 phone calls a day threatening her and her 9-year-old daughter. The increasingly specific calls came from a suspect who identified herself as "boss ass bitch," and outlined plans to first jump the victim and her "bastard daughter," then present them with homemade cupcakes laced with poison. Though the victim now (hopefully) has the foresight to reject any baked-good gifts, she told police that she was frightened by the death threats, and believed the suspect did intend to harm her.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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