NEW RELEASES
BLADE: TRINITY Blade II was that rare sequel that managed to trump the original, but the franchise ascension ends there. Blade: Trinity is easily the least of three, an overlong action yarn with nothing fresh to say on the subject of vampires nor on the curious holding pattern of Wesley Snipes’ career. Snipes again plays the taciturn Blade, the half-man, half-vampire whose mission is to wipe out all bloodsuckers with the help of his mentor Whistler (Kris Kristofferson). Instead of Whistler’s mother, it’s his daughter (Jessica Biel) who joins the fray, assisted by the wisecracking Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds, the poor man’s Jason Lee) and a motley assortment of vampire hunters. This time, their target is the most famous sucker of all: Dracula (a dull Dominic Purcell), recently resurrected to help his demonic descendants take over the world. Or something like that. Except for the amusing inclusion of a vampire Pomeranian, writer-director David S. Goyer’s thudding screenplay lacks a sense of the fantastic — who wants to see endless car crashes in this context, or a foot chase between Dracula and Blade? And Goyer’s attempts to add some levity to the story via Reynolds’ sophomoric quips (most involving his dick) don’t jibe with Snipes’ humorless portrayal of Blade. Parker Posey appears as a bitchy vampire, and don’t you just sense the sun inching a little bit closer to the earth every time this celebrated indie actress appears in mainstream claptrap like Josie and the Pussycats, Laws of Attraction and now this? 
1/2
CURRENT RELEASES
AFTER THE SUNSET As a celebration of the beauty of Salma Hayek, After the Sunset ranks as a four-star affair, lovingly photographing this earthbound Aphrodite as she sashays around the film’s tropical setting in any number of bikinis and low-cut gowns. Oglers of Pierce Brosnan should also find this a thumbs-up affair: While the retiring James Bond has apparently made the switch from martinis to milkshakes, he’s still dashing enough to provide the necessary yang to Hayek’s sensual yin. But beyond the eye candy represented by the stars and their sun-soaked surroundings, there’s little else memorable about this disposable tissue of a movie in which an FBI agent (an overripe Woody Harrelson) tries to trip up a pair of jewel thieves living it up in the Bahamas.
ALEXANDER Suddenly, Caligula is starting to look good. Alexander is unremittingly dull, visually unappealing, narratively muddled, inadvertently campy, indifferently acted – and that’s just for starters. Colin Farrell gets trampled under the weight of director Oliver Stone’s expectations in tackling the role of the warrior king whose claim to fame was conquering most of the known world by the time he was Ashton Kutcher’s present age. Anthony Hopkins provides the doddering exposition – lots and lots of exposition — and, as Alexander’s parents, Angelina Jolie (sporting an accent that suggests she’s channeling Bela Lugosi) and Val Kilmer get to bellow and howl and gnash their teeth, to little avail. As for the murky battle sequences, they seem to have been shot by a camera while it was tumbling around inside a dryer.
BEING JULIA It’s not entirely true that Annette Bening is the show, the whole show, and nothing but the show, but let’s just say that without her presence, the curtain would fall a lot faster on this adaptation of W. Somerset Maugham’s book Theatre. She’s awfully fun to watch as she whirlwinds her way through this backstage yarn (set in 1938 London) about an aging actress whose young lover (Shaun Evans) might be using her. The film’s greatest strength rests in its intricate character dynamics (aided by such luminaries as Jeremy Irons and Michael Gambon); its biggest flaw comes from the miscasting of the bland Evans, whose flat performance makes it impossible to believe the dynamic Julia would fall so strongly for such a drip.
BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON This follow-up to the delightful Bridget Jones’s Diary is the laziest sort of sequel, lifting episodes wholesale from the original before spinning off in directions that don’t even begin to make sense. So even though the film opens where the original ended, with Bridget (Renee Zellweger) finding true love with lawyer Mark Darcy (Colin Firth), the writers create a series of unlikely conflicts between the couple, simply so they can rehash the same scenario where Bridget has to choose between Darcy and bad boy Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant). It all culminates with Bridget landing in a Thai prison, where she leads a chorus line of hookers in a sing-along to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” — a ludicrous sequence that suggests there wasn’t enough cogent material to fashion a sequel in the first place.
BUGS! / ROAR: LIONS OF THE KALAHARI The renovations that recently took place at Discovery Place’s IMAX Dome Theatre (formerly the OMNIMAX Theatre) are nice enough, but the big news is that, following these upgrades, the venue is premiering two of its best offerings in ages. Both Bugs! and Roar weave Hollywood-style narratives through their nonfiction settings — the former focuses on the intertwined fates of a praying mantis and a caterpillar, while the latter centers on a real-life lion king and the events that transpire when a younger male threatens his supremacy. Boosted by stupendous cinematography as well as fascinating peeks at the structures of the insect and animal kingdoms, Bugs! and Roar allow the IMAX Dome Theatre to trumpet its return in grand fashion. Both movies: 1/2
CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS Not since Jingle All the Way has there been a Yuletide film as fascistic — or as odious — as this dreck about a couple (Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis) whose decision to skip Christmas draws revulsion from those around them. Simply on a comedic level, this is wretched, but dig deeper and you’ll find a repugnant yarn whose idea of morality wouldn’t be out of place at the Nuremberg rallies. The Kranks aren’t allowed to think or act for themselves lest they upset the suburban status quo, and the intrusive, overbearing, conformist neighbors are depicted as heroes for converting the pair to their narrow-minded way of thinking. This is sure to become a holiday staple around the Bush-Cheney White House for the next four years, but thoughtful citizens who believe in freedom of choice without persecution will see right through this turkey and reject its unsettling — and decidedly un-American — overtures.
FINDING NEVERLAND Almost one year after being treated to a delightful live-action version of Peter Pan, we now get a fanciful tale that seeks to explain how playwright J.M. Barrie initially came up with the idea for the children’s classic. What ends up on the screen is as much fiction as fact (probably more so), but it’s the sort of moving saga that will make audiences wish this was the way it really happened. A gentle Johnny Depp is just right as Barrie, whose inspiration comes from a widow (Kate Winslet) and her four sons, particularly the moody Peter (Freddie Highmore). Director Marc Forster (Monster’s Ball) and scripter David Magee have made a film full of warmth and wit.
THE INCREDIBLES Writer-director Brad Bird refreshingly panders to no demographic, meaning that we’re left with a, well, incredible animated tale that’s more than just another superhero yarn. The bulk of the comic relief comes from costume designer Edna Mode, an Edith Head caricature voiced by Bird himself; the drama comes from the Incredibles, presented as the modern American family that’s expected to conform to the societal status quo (i.e. blend with the bland) rather than champion its own uniqueness. The domestic conflicts triggered by their suburban ennui give way to an acceptance of their individuality and, consequently, an ability to pool their resources as both crime fighters and family members. It’s emotional without being sticky-sweet, and just one of the reasons why this gem, for all its kid-friendly sops, feels like one of the most mature movies currently gracing theaters. 1/2
NATIONAL TREASURE There’s a certain crazy appeal to the central thrust of this Jerry Bruckheimer production, which suggests that George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and other Founding Fathers did such an exemplary job of hiding a sizable bounty that the only way to find it is to use the map hidden on the Declaration of Independence. Yet while the film strives for the breathless pace of a matinee cliffhanger, it’s too clumsy, too flat-footed, to generate anything more substantial than glazed-over glances in the general direction of the screen. It’s better than typical Bruckheimer junk like Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, but it has no sense of pace or style, and it finds Nicolas Cage (as the do-gooder trying to protect the treasure from greedy foreigners) sleepwalking through yet another undemanding part.
THE POLAR EXPRESS When it comes to animated features, how human is too human? This expansion of Chris Van Allsburg’s children’s book takes it to the next level, using cutting-edge computer technology to place its characters within throwing distance of real life. Unfortunately, the result is rather creepy, with the “humans” coming off as slick automatons; just call this The Stepford Movie. Also call it dull, derivative, and lacking the sense of magic that informs all of the great Christmas flicks. A “Harry Potter meets Scrooge” hodgepodge enacted on a plateau of plasticity, this yarn about a train that takes doubting kids to meet Santa is distressingly flat. Many will hail it as a Christmas classic, but a better bet for seasonal cheer would be a screening of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians under the influence of heavily spiked eggnog.
SIDEWAYS Movies in which characters hit the road in search of adventure and end up discovering themselves are nothing new to American film — in fact, they’re an integral part of our cinematic heritage — yet this one is idiosyncratic enough to stand apart from the pack. Miles (Paul Giamatti), a chronically depressed high school teacher, and Jack (Thomas Haden Church), a has-been actor about to get married, decide to book passage to California’s Santa Ynez Valley to tour the local wineries; while there, they get involved with two women (Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh) who force them to reconsider their present outlooks on life. It should be noted that this lovely motion picture should itself be approached like a fine wine: Uncork it, give it time to breathe, and then luxuriate in its rich, heady flavor. 1/2
This article appears in Dec 8-14, 2004.
