Sharia law and face-stapling: Is there a link?

All right! We have our own anti-Sharia bill! Congratulations to the New Troglodyte majority running the General Assembly — they’ve done something I didn’t expect to see in this lifetime: a North Carolina legislature that’s almost as ridiculous as South Carolina’s. It’s a hell of an accomplishment, especially when you consider S.C.‘s long-established national reputation for being run by ignorant goofballs. Mecklenburg County’s own Rep. Ric “Voter ID” Killian, along with the always-interesting Rep. George Cleveland of Jacksonville, have proposed a bill mandating that:

“A court, administrative agency, arbitrator, mediator or other entity or person acting under the authority of State law shall not apply a foreign law in any legal proceeding if doing so would violate a constitutional right.”

Because we all know how N.C. judges love to liven up their courtrooms by making plaintiffs and defendants bend to the word of the Koran.

Killian and Graham, apparently, didn’t want other states to receive all the love from Muslim haters, so they’ve put our state one step closer to enacting a law that boldly states the obvious: “We practice and enforce our own laws here, not those of other countries.”

Many make fun of the anti-Sharia crowd, but I say they could be on to something. We all know America’s overall education level is none too great, so perhaps what we really need these days are laws that will remind citizens of some basic do’s and don’ts, like “In America, we enforce American laws.” The whole concept — call it the New Basics — is so simple, it’s bound to catch on. We’re so excited about the New Basics, we’ve come up with ideas for more laws that mandate the obvious and ban things that don’t happen anyway. Here are a few:

1. Before crossing a street, pedestrians must not assume that oncoming traffic will stop for them.
2. After inhaling air, citizens must afterward exhale that air in order to be legally considered in a state of “breathing.”
3. People who are caught in a rainstorm, and still have more than 100 feet to go before reaching their destinations or an available doorway, must either use umbrellas or place a magazine over their heads.
4. Police are authorized to arrest anyone caught trying to feed himself by putting forkfuls of food in his ears, or, for that matter, in anyone else’s ears.
5. When organizing sales presentation packets, interns may not staple office supplies to their faces.  And finally …
6. When proposing new laws, lawmakers must be able to prove that the problem the new law “fixes” is something that actually exists.

This article appears in Apr 26 – May 2, 2011.