The following exchange took place between me and a strapping young lad one night at Red Rocks in Birkdale. Emphasis on the word “young.”
Dude: “You should let me take you out to eat.“
This which he says, not asks, as I’m in the process of eating at a table full of my girlfriends.
His cock-blocking friend: “He’s only 22!“ (shouted from across the bar)
Me: “crunch. crunch. crunch.” (I finish chewing my food to at least be polite enough to not talk with my mouth full.) “As much as I enjoy eating, I’m sorry, I can’t go out with you. You’re only 22. That’s like … 15 in guy years. And that’s illegal.”
One of my girlfriends burst out laughing and proceeded to spit her drink out all over the table (and my plate). I should have taken him up on that meal, right then and there. Meanwhile, another girlfriend tweeted my quote with the hashtag #sh!tbrittneysays.
… What? At least I’m not saying men are like dogs by making them age up. Women just mature faster than men, and therefore age faster as well. Sucks for us.
I really would feel kind of like a pedophile to date a guy barely legal to hang out with me. I didn’t even go to frat parties when I was in college, let alone now.
Or maybe it was just the way the guy handled himself like a rookie — interrupting a girls’ dinner to tell me he’d like to take me to do what I was in the process of doing while he interrupted me. Even last year’s Panthers’ offense had better game. I’m pretty sure his boys just double-dog dared him to come talk to the cougar. I am cougar, hear me roar!
But the best part of this whole story is Michael Waltrip’s tweet in response to it …
(Re-Tweeting) @mw55 Does that make me low 30s ish?..RT @BrittneyCason: I can’t go out with you, you’re only 22. That’s like..15 in guy years. And that’s illegal!
… I guess it does. Lucky dog.
This article appears in Apr 12-18, 2011.
