I first read J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of Rings when I was still in junior high school. (Hey, you’ve got to start young if you want to reach the heights of nerd-dom I’ve attained.) Even though I was a voracious reader from the minute I learned how, The Lord of the Rings trilogy changed my whole literary life. Even though I had read lots of great stuff like Little Women, A Wrinkle in Time and Waiting For Godot (my father had me read it when I was a kid), mediocre stuff like Judy Blume and Beverly Cleary, and quite a bit of out-and-out trash, such as the entire Sweet Valley High series and several novel series that revolved around cheerleaders, The Lord of the Rings was my first foray into fantasy. I was hooked. I still remember the way it felt to read something so wonderful, vivid and different for the first time. While reading the final book of the trilogy, The Return of the King, I took a hiatus from sleeping and eating in order to join Frodo on his final weary journey. And (careful, this is a spoiler if you haven’t read the books!) one of the big heroes of the final book is a girl who manages to defeat the leader of the Dark Riders. Especially to a person raised on a steady diet of My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake and Barbie, that kicked tremendous ass.
Sure, I’ve moved on since then. And I’ve read some great literature, even some great fantasy literature. But nothing beats The Lord of the Rings to me, and that’s why every couple of years I return to it and re-read the whole thing from beginning to end, just because I love it so much.
When I heard about the new live action movie based on the all-time best trilogy in the history of the world, I had a strong reaction: damn. Here’s Hollywood all ready to screw up yet another of my favorite books with a cheesy, dumbed-down-for-the-masses re-telling of something truly great. All I have to do is think about the way Pat Conroy’s The Prince of Tides was slaughtered on the big screen and my hackles begin to rise protectively.
Of course, a recent movie event has allayed my fears, at least a little. The Harry Potter movie was actually terrific. I’m also a huge fan of those books but, rather than being disappointed by the movie, I was reminded of my passion for the book.
Another bit of good news is that the director went ahead and filmed the whole trilogy at one time, although the movies will only be released one per year. I’m very much in favor of continuity, so that seems like a positive. The director is certainly not as likely to be as affected by public and critical response to the movie, which I think is a good thing. Because, let’s face it, the public is stupid and critics are evil-tempered, fickle nitpickers (excluding Matt Brunson, a prince among movie critics), so listening to either group wouldn’t be a good move. The director is better off staying true to his vision because, even if I individually don’t agree with him, artistically the whole work will be stronger in the end. George Lucas apparently had way too many years to sit around and contemplate Star Wars: Episode 1 before he actually made it, and that wound up being quite a mess.
So although initially I had planned to boycott the movie or, if forced to attend, I was going to take a blanket and hide under it to avoid having the images in my head erased by the stupidity of Hollywood’s imagination, I’ve made the momentous decision to see the movie. After all, I’m a big fan and the sword fights look cool and the guy playing Aragorn looks hot. . .
But I admit it: I’m still worried. The marketing is already getting on my nerves. Burger King is the fast food chain associated with The Lord of the Rings movie (apparently movies are no longer green-lighted until they can prove they have a fast food chain sponsor), and they’re going all out to get fans into Burger King. Their big marketing plan is plastic cups with characters from the movie on them. The crowning glory is that they light up. The cups, not the faces of intelligent, longtime fans. I can’t wait to see the part in the movie when the hobbits are running through the woods trying to escape from the Dark Riders, and they suddenly have to pop into a Burger King for some fries and a Whopper to keep them going.
If you’re not a fan of the books, you might not understand how sick this blatant commercialism makes me feel. But can you imagine Burger King trying to hawk their disgusting food by pasting pictures of Jane Eyre or Jay Gatsby on their cups? It would be blasphemous. But it would also be unlikely, since you’d probably have to pay most people to own a cup emblazoned with the name and face of a literary figure.
So they have to take the opposite route and make literary figures seem cool. Unfortunately, what is “cool” according to the mainstream media often seems dumb to many of us. And what we get stuck with is a bunch of commercials that say in a deep, imposing voice, “Behold Aragorn. Behold Arwen. Behold your money in our cash register.” You catch the drift.
Even considering all that, I guess I’ll still see the movie. Its one saving grace is that Disney didn’t make it, so at least I will not be subjected to long song and dance number performed by horses or clocks or lobsters or some lame crap like that.
And, eternal optimist that I am (irony alert), I harbor the hope that young children will come and see this movie for the bloody fighting, monsters and chase scenes, but they will be so overcome by the magic of the story, they’ll go out and read all the Tolkien they can get their Goobers-covered little hands on.
Don’t worry. I’m not holding my breath. I realize it’s a lot more likely they’ll read the side of the bag their Whopper came in at Burger King than an actual book. But here’s to hoping that all of this shameless marketing comes to something in the end. *
This article appears in Dec 15-21, 2001.
