Homeland Security Director Tom “Fist Face” Ridge announced a new, five-tier system for delivering terrorism warnings last week. And not just any five-tier system, but a lovely, stylish color-coded five-tier system. Creative Loafing has obtained a copy of a chart, originally slated as part of Ridge’s announcement, which was deleted at the last minute due to “top-secret, super important, triple-dog-dare, cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die terrorist kind of stuff.” The newly discovered chart, printed here, offers suggestions for local officials to follow in determining whose rights should be violated by placing them under arrest for no obvious reason during each warning level.
Warning Level
Low Guarded
Elevated
High
Severe
Color
Green
Blue
Yellow
Orange
Red
To Be Jailed
The usual suspects.
The above, plus all airport cleaning staff as well as fruit and vegetable pickers.
All the above, plus all Slush-ee machine operators, persons whose job includes the use of box cutters, and anyone who can name more than five Middle Eastern countries.
All the above, plus anyone politically to the left of Tom Ridge, all immigrant students, swarthy men with a pilot’s license, turban wearers, and anyone who knows Osama bin Laden’s pet nickname.
Hey weirdos, and all beige or brown people: run for your lives!
This article appears in Mar 20-26, 2002.
