I’m the type of person who’s fond of making personal decrees, and so recently I made a new one (one that friends and family members alike are sure I won’t be able to maintain): no more wedding gifts for couples who have not cohabited prior to their marriage.I’ve heard others make the opposite decree: they don’t feel comfortable celebrating a wedding that has technically already been consummated, but that’s ridiculous — at that point you’re arguing that the main reason to have a wedding is to allow the parties involved to finally have sex. I like to think that we all realize at some point that sex isn’t a good motivation for marriages, hairstyles or footwear, although I suppose many never reach this epiphany.
Many people today, particularly educated people, are waiting longer before tying the knot. Most of us acknowledge that waiting longer to get married is a good thing; people are less likely to make terrible mistakes and marry people they don’t mesh with if they wait longer. So unless we think it’s a good idea to have a bunch of 30-year-old virgins running around (wreaking who knows what kind of havoc in the meantime), premarital sex is simply going to happen.
Don’t mistake me for being in favor of promiscuity; I’m not. I’m not really against it either, except for the fact that promiscuous people often wind up harming those who aren’t. But premarital sex and promiscuity aren’t the same thing at all. One can have responsible, non-promiscuous premarital sex; and in actuality this is what most people do.
Once we get over premarital sex, which we’re going to have to do anyway, living together before marriage is less of a big deal — except that as a society we’re still more caught up in “what seems” than “what is.” I expect most people can accept that premarital sex is going to happen, but when couples cohabit they seem to be accentuating the fact that they’re not married and having sex anyway. At least, this seemed to be my family’s reason for opposing my personal cohabitation period. That’s what we heard constantly: “But how does it look?”
It looks like sin and immorality run rampant to many here in the Bible Belt, and even to quite a few in the Holy Halter Top of the North. Family members and even acquaintances seemed to think that my partner in sin and I were boarding the express train to hell when we were living together. Which we probably were, but not for that reason.
On the other hand, what was the general reaction to my cousin, who married her lover boy before moving in with him, then proceeded to divorce him within the year? Aww, that poor girl, they said. Too bad the marriage didn’t work out. I always suspect when marriages fail that quickly that these two people just couldn’t live together — something they could have discovered before getting hitched. I feel sorry for my cousin, but mainly because society gives cohabitation such a bad reputation, when it could have helped her avoid much emotional trauma.
In reality, living together is the most responsible behavior a serious couple can engage in. My dad, the wisest person I know, has often told me: “There’s a difference between loving someone and living with them.” Marriage is a big commitment, and it makes sense to know whether you can live with another person before you marry him or her. Rather than devaluing the commitment of marriage, couples who cohabit before marriage are showing that they value marriage enough not to have one unless they feel confident about it working out.
Now, some marriages are doomed to failure whether the parties involved have cohabited or not, and other couples are truly serious about marriage even when they skip living together first. But all in all, I suspect that the taboo against unmarried couples cohabiting hurts people more than it helps to create a solid moral foundation. Many of the marriages that are going to end in divorce in the first three years could simply be nipped in the bud (to quote Barney Fife), decreasing heartache, lawyers’ fees and the frustration of deciding whether to wear white at one’s second wedding.
As a wedding guest and/or person sending a gift to the happy (for the moment) couple, I’d also like to know that my celebratory spirit, not to mention my cold, hard cash, honors an occasion worthy of being honored. I’ve not had qualms about cohabiting couples getting hitched since they generally know what they’re getting into. Usually, they’re getting married because they actually want to make a commitment to each other.
As a bystander, I have much more confidence in this sort of marriage. These people deserve a nice gravy boat. But when it comes to 30-year-olds who just met and get married ASAP before they’re too old to be marriageable — or a couple of teenagers who just want to do the dirty with God’s, and their mamas’, permission — these people aren’t really silver serving spoon material.
This article appears in Apr 30 – May 6, 2003.
