Delivery: A 19-year-old woman called police after receiving threats over the phone from multiple suspects. The suspects have called her five times a day for the last week and made statements such as, “Bitch, we’ll come over there and beat your ass.” Teenagers these days – too lazy to go get their ass beat … they need to have the can of whoop ass brought right to their door.
Stick ‘Em Up: An employee of a local pharmacy called police after being robbed by an apparent drug addict. A woman walked into the store and told the clerk that she had a gun. She then handed the clerk a note demanding different types of prescription medicines. Damn, Obama really needs to get to work on that health care plan; this is getting out of control.
Diseased: An employee of a local Bi-Lo grocery store called police after catching a woman shoplifting. The employee told police that the woman stuffed a bag of cooked crab down her pants and walked past the point of no sale before being confronted. It’s usually not so obvious when people are out in public hiding crabs down there.
Party Boy: Officers responded to a disturbance call when a teenage kid was stirring up a ruckus at a Matthews pool. The kid was drinking alcohol in the pool area and shouting, using profane language. When officers arrived, the apartment complex’s management told him he was banned, at which time he refused to leave. When police forced him out, he continued shouting obscene remarks to management and officers in the parking lot. Blame it on the su-su-su-su-su-sun poisoning.
Good Father: A woman filed a police report after being threatened by the father of her children. The man called her 30 times in a 20-minute span, which must be some sort of Blotter record. During these calls, he said things like, “I am going to get you, and I don’t care if our children are with you.” I was holding out hope that Jon and Kate would get back together, but now I’m about ready to throw in the towel.
Deflated: A 32-year-old woman called police after she witnessed a child in his early teens stealing one of her son’s toys from their backyard. She told officers the kid walked into the yard with his head down and picked up an old basketball that was completely flat. He then left the yard, never looking up. Wow, this kid is depressed. He needs a pet to keep him company. Maybe dig up the neighbor’s dog that’s been dead for six months.
Busted: A 30-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called her 12 times in three hours and made statements such as, “I am going to bust you in your damn head.” That just doesn’t sound as good written down. Say it aloud now, readers. Now look around you and watch the faces of those sitting nearby.
Famous People: A 37-year-old woman called police after her mailbox was vandalized. She told officers that when she went out to check the mail one afternoon, someone had written in blue marker, “Dale, watch your TV.” I think whoever wrote this probably didn’t get to finish. It was supposed to also say, “I think I made it on this week’s episode of Cops. Dreams really do come true.”
Self-Protection: A 31-year-old man called police after being robbed, sort of, by two men. The men approached him from the rear, pushed him to the ground and started kicking him. They then took the wallet from his pocket and went through it without removing anything. The only lasting injury the victim sustained was a cut on his hand that he gave himself while trying to pull a knife from his pocket to protect himself.
Be Gentle: The mother of a 2-year-old child called police after somebody she had over for company assaulted her son. She told officers that her son was sleeping on the floor when the suspect picked him up and threw him down onto the bed. Geez, I was just trying to do the kid a favor.
Get A Room: Two people were brought to jail by police officers who witnessed them doing lewd acts in public while cruising their beat. The officers filed a report claiming they were riding around the apartment complex parking lot when they witnessed a woman giving a man oral sex behind one of the buildings. Brought to jail with blue balls? That night must have really sucked … for both of them.
Threat of the Week: A 22-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by two men who must have flunked out of school long ago. The two men called her at her house 40 times within two days and made off-the-wall threats. The one thing they did repeat continuously was, “You are a homicide.” Somebody teach these guys the difference between a noun and a verb. It sounds like a Ron Burgundy prank call. You are a psychosis.
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.
This article appears in Jun 30 – Jul 7, 2009.
