I’m sure you remember all the weird coincidences surrounding the assassinations of Presidents Kennedy and Lincoln — the names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters, Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy and Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln, a week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland, and a week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe. That sort of thing.
I got to thinking about this when I saw the recent interview between CNN conservative shrieking head Tucker Carlson and strawberry pop-tart Britney Spears. Buried between the questions about her favorite TV shows and her soft drinking habits there was an interesting exchange that triggered the Lincoln/Kennedy connection memory in my head:
CARLSON: A lot of entertainers have come out against the war in Iraq. Have you?
SPEARS: Honestly, I think we should just trust our President in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.
While few people would associate Britney Spears with international politics, it turns out there are a number of weird Kennedy/Lincoln-like similarities between her and The War Against Terror. Consider, for example:
The initials of The War Against Terror are T.W.A.T. Britney Spears’ initials are B.S. Have any two things ever been more mutually descriptive?
The War Against Terror is a fight against evil. Britney was a fembot for Dr. Evil in Goldmember.
President Bush gets flustered and tongue tied when questioned about The War Against Terror. Britney got flustered and tongue tied with Madonna on MTV.
President Bush lied about Weapons of Mass Destruction to get into Iraq. Britney lied about guys getting her into the sack.
The War on Terror’s Weapons of Mass Distraction: Paul Wolfowitz and Karl Rove. Britney has two prominent, albeit less dangerous, boobs.
Suicide terrorists expect to be rewarded with 72 virgins. Britney sang a cover version of “Like a Virgin.”
The War Against Terror liberated Afghani women from wearing burkas. Britney has liberated herself from wearing everything except for a couple of rhinestone pasties and a pearl and leather thong.
The War Against Terror: Afghanistan and Iraq bombed. Britney: Her film Crossroads and her last album bombed.
The War Against Terror hunts down rats working for al Qaeda. Britney was a Mouseketeer for Disney.
The War Against Terror was conceived and is being prosecuted on the wheels of questionable intelligence. As for Britney, refer to the aforementioned CNN interview.
This article appears in Sep 17-23, 2003.
