Chairperson Bitsy Harrison: This meeting of the South Park Symphonettes will come to order, y’all. OK, let’s start up, people … Cindy, this way, please? OK, thank you. Vi, since you’re in charge of prepping for the next concert, do you want to get things started?
Vi Carola: OK, gals, we need to decide a couple of things. First, are we gonna save our same spots for the Symphony Summer Pops concert on Sunday, or look for other locations?
Cindy Myers: I move that we stay in our usual spot.
Bitsy: I second that.
Cha-Cha Templeton: Well, I move that we park our cute buns somewhere else.
Vi and Cindy: What?! Why?!
Cha-Cha: I’ll tell you why: that hippie-looking couple and their squalling baby — I want to be as far away from them and their patchouli stink as I can be. Plus, when the baby spit up, I almost heaved my chicken-walnut salad.
Bitsy: Cha-Cha’s right, they’ve been right in front of us both times this season. And could you believe the way they were trying to shush us? Maybe we should move.
Janet Kessler: I think that’s kind of stuck up, y’all.
Cha-Cha: Oh, excu-u-u-se me, Miss Last-To-Join-The-Group, but I don’t like having to sit behind tie-dyed riffraff when I go out.
Janet: I still think that’s stuck up.
Cha-Cha: Bite me.
Mandy Cashion: Gals, I hate to say it, but we’ve got a bigger problem than hippies. I think we need to talk about whether we’re even going on Sunday — did y’all see who’s gonna be playing?
Cindy: A salsa band! Yesss! I can’t wait to get Michael up out of that lawn chair so we can show off our dance lessons.
Mandy: Hello!? It’s Latino Night? I mean, do you gals want to do Summer Pops with your maids and garden boys? I mean, I love Maria and Alberto, but come on. It’s already bad enough with more middle-class slobs coming each time with those tacky Hardee’s bags, but I’m sorry … Latino Night? Huh-uh.
Janet: You know, I mentioned the Latino thing to Eric, and he said it’s a public event and everybody’s entitled to be there.
Mandy: I’m not surprised — didn’t you tell me he’s a registered Democrat? Let’s see how Mr. Multi-Cultural likes the smell of tacos on a summer evening — that’ll go well with our Dean & Deluca goodies.
Cha-Cha: Maybe if we throw ice at them, on the sly like, they’ll take the hint and leave.
Vi: Please. They don’t understand English, you think they’re gonna understand ice?
Bitsy: Godamighty, will y’all settle down? I don’t think we’ve got anything to worry about. Didn’t they say it’s gonna cost $15 to get in Sunday?
Mandy: Hey, you’re right! I didn’t even think about that.
Bitsy: And how many maids and weed-eater jockeys do you think are gonna have 15 bucks to spare?
Cha-Cha: Bitsy’s right, y’all — it’ll be like the best of both worlds. Latino music without the immigrants — I shoulda known the Symphony folks would think of a way to take care of us.
Vi: OK, then, is that settled? Good. Now we can get back to the important stuff. OK, are we gonna wear tops and shorts or cute one-piece outfits this week?
Cindy: I say one-piece outfits — we wore tops and shorts last week.
Bitsy: But I just got the cutest blueberry shorts and a yellow top — and some darling little super-shiny metallic shoes!
Mandy: Ooh, where’d you shop — Nordstrom?
Bitsy: No, this cute little shop called Noo-vo Reesh in Ballantyne — you’d love it.
Mandy: I’ll definitely check that out.
Vi: All right, Paris and Nicole, settle down. So let’s vote on it. All in favor of one-piece outfits say aye.
Several voices: AYE.
Vi: Looks like the new top and shorts’ll have to wait, Bits.
Bitsy: Well, shoot. I’m still gonna wear the silver shoes, though.
Vi: Whatever. Now, a couple of other things. Cha-Cha, can you bring another box of Chardonnay?
Cha-Cha: You got it, I’ll grab one out of our wine cellar.
Vi: Thanks. I’ll bring the chilled salmon pate and crudités, if y’all are still OK with that. Janet, can you get sweets at D&D?
Janet: Sure. But you know, Vi, I think it’s pronounced “croo-dee-tays,” not “croo-dites.”
Vi: What do you mean, Miss Wellesley College?
Janet: I mean, “crudités” doesn’t rhyme with “stalactite.”
Vi: What’s a stalactite?
Janet: Thank you, NC State.
Vi: Hey, at least I got a degree I could use.
Janet: Sure, if you want to work, I guess you’re right.
Bitsy: Come on, y’all, play nice. Let’s wrap this up. Mandy, you and Michael are putting down the tarp this week?
Mandy: You bet, but you know, Vi’s right about State …
Bitsy: Jesus, y’all are gonna drive me over the edge. Meeting dismissed. We’ll see all y’all Sunday.
This article appears in Jun 13-19, 2007.
Well, you should of known that a Hispanic would be one of the first people to comment on this article. “No Mames, that is so true.” People enjoy our presence when we are working for them and do a bang up job in their garden or maintaining their household. While they worry about the more important things in life like who is getting the “sweets from D&D.” I have pondered the idea of going to these shows at SouthPark. But, the thought of will I be looked upon as if I was the waiter or the janitor kicks in. I feel they become suburban gangsta’s, “like what are they doing here.” If your my skin color you will get that stare, but if your lighter you will blend in. Anyway enjoyed it and as long as its not free they wont have to worry about the immigrants.:)
Oh, so it’s all right for Creative Loafing to deal in sterotypes if you’re lumping all of South Parks residents into one caricatured bunch. Yet another example of the double standard Grooms often employs.
This is hilarious! Not to mention that it hits the nail on the head. More, more, more making fun of South Park buffoons!
I thought this was terrible. How can you be such a snob, racist, and still sleep at night? Clearly, you are missing something in your life.