Some patterns have made themselves apparent during the time I’ve been doing this column. Following is a brief summary of key themes, people, places and events I’ve encountered, all digested and spit back out in a handy list form. Which, I am told, is the theme of this issue.
6 things you’re guaranteed to find in any downtown festival:
1. SpongeBob SquarePants inflatable toys
2. Overpriced, watered-down beer
3. Polish sausages
4. Me, cursing, ingesting numbers two and three
5. Funnel cakes
6. People handing out “get right with God” literature, dressed like they need to get right with Mr. Blackwell instead
Mad Dogs and Charlotteans — Top 5 local bands I’ve seen this year with six or more members (in no order):
1. Snagglepuss (6 members)
2. Les Dirt Clods/The Goldenrods (6 members each)
3. Pyramid (8 members)
4. The Virginia Reel (6-7 members, depending on mood)
5. Sea of Cortez (a sea of members)
Top 3 jokes mentioned in S&H over the last year or so:
1. “You can’t bring up religion in the schools anymore, or in the government. Where is it? Look in yo wallet! “In God We Trust!’ The only reason banks are closed on Sundays is so people will go to church!” — Chris Rock, Ovens Auditorium
2. “America — love it or leave it.’ You hear that everywhere. But they’re hypocrites! John Walker Lindh did just that. He didn’t love it, so he left it! And what do they do? They arrest him over there in Afghanistan and give him all kinds of hell. Make up your minds!” — Doug Stanhope, Perch Theatre
3. “People ask me why me and Cheech broke up. . .Well, we were rich, man. And you can’t make a rich Mexican do shit he don’t want to do.” —
Tommy Chong, The Comedy Zone (Chong was soon arrested for selling the very same “Chong Bongs” that were available for purchase at this show.)
The envelope, please:
1. Pairs of bare female breasts seen while covering an event for the paper: 3
2. Approximate number of drinks consumed: 175
3. Odds that I’m sure about answer #2’s math: 50/50
4. Approximate number of meaningless conversations I’ve had with people that could care less about me, but did I tell you about my band, Tim?: 52
5. Approximate number of e-mails or phone calls telling me I wrote too much about what the band was wearing and what the crowd did: 25
6. How much I give each week: 110 percent
7. Odds on #6’s math: 20/80
Top 5 things I’ve overheard people saying about me when they didn’t know I was listening:
1. “There’s the “authority on everything.'”
2. “I hope he knows he’s cost that paper thousands in advertising.”
3. “He only likes it if it has an acoustic guitar.”
4. “He only likes metal.”
5. “Ha ha…look at that shirt!”
Crowning achievements of doing this column:
1. Having a copy of Creative Loafing burned “in effigy” outside a local bar while having my name cursed
2. Having the Renaissance Festival hire a “town crier” to give Panthers scores on game Sundays, per my suggestion
3. Drinking Coronas with my boy Krist Novoselic, on tour with the definitely-not-Nirvana Eyes Adrift
4. Tweaking tight-ass David Grisman fans
This article appears in Feb 11-17, 2004.
