Next Level: A 75-year-old man called police after his property was vandalized. He told officers that overnight an unknown suspect smashed his metal mailbox with a bat. The suspect(s) also ripped his plastic newspaper box into pieces. This marks the beginning of the steroid era in mailbox smashing. Just stay away from the lawn statues.
Most Important Meal: A 30-year-old woman called police after her house was broken into. She told officers that at some point in the early morning, unknown suspects entered her residence and left with a bag of $100 worth of coins, five pounds of hamburger, a box of Nutrigrain Bars and six boxes of cereal. You won’t find these guys. They have enough food to last them … until afternoon.
Scratch and Sniff: Employees at a local Walgreens called police after multiple suspects got away with shoplifting at their store. They told police the men came into the store and concealed a whole bunch of items in their clothes before making a dash for it. After a quick inventory, it was found that the men had taken one can of each of the following Axe products: Swag body spray, Dark Temptation body spray, Kilo body spray, Twist body spray, Phoenix body spray, Fever body spray, Recovery body spray and one of each of the previously mentioned scents in deodorant sticks. It’s a great strategy for warding off the search dogs, but this isn’t an early 20th century jailbreak.
Proactive Prostitution: A police officer filed a report claiming that while he was cruising around, working undercover at the time, he was flagged down by a woman who offered to perform sexual favors in return for $40. In these hard times, you can’t wait for the customers to come to you — you have to find them. She probably learned that in business school.
Step Your Game Up: A concerned mother called police after her son was robbed while walking in their neighborhood. She told officers that her 10-year-old son was robbed by two unknown suspects while walking one evening. The two men took the kid’s PlayStation Portable out of his hands and ran off with it.
Migraine: A 30-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by his girlfriend. He told officers the two got into a verbal confrontation in the car on the way home. When they got home, the woman grabbed a tire iron from the rear of the vehicle and hit him across the right side of the head with it. She then spit in his face. I always thought that smashing someone with a tire iron would kill them — like when it’s done in the movies. Now that I know that it won’t cause a fatal injury, it’s probably not safe to be around me.
Old-Fashioned Cookin’: A 38-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his ex-wife. He told officers that the suspect came to his house and observed him with his new girlfriend, which angered her. She scratched the man on the left side of his face and arm and bit his right hand, leaving visible injuries. The suspect then grabbed a Crock-Pot from the kitchen and threw it at the victim’s head.
Don’t Answer That: A man was found on Shamrock Drive with an illegally concealed weapon. Police who searched the man for unrelated reasons found that he was hiding a Taser disguised to look like a cell phone. Once other police officers get wind of this, I’m not even taking my cell phone out of my pocket in public anymore.
That’s Dirty: A 39-year-old man called police after some men he had hired to do some work for him robbed him blind. He told officers he hired a company to come clean his carpets and when they left they took a box full of $950 worth of DVDs. I guess that explains the company’s catchy slogan: “We’ll Clean You Out.”
Try Again: Police were called to a local mentor network after a child ran away. Employees told the officers that the 14-year-old kid was sitting at a table outside the building when he stood up and said he wasn’t going to go back in there. He then left on foot toward Yorkmont Drive and hasn’t been seen or heard from since.
Threat of the Week: A 26-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers that the man saw her and stated, “You better have someone with you all the time because I showed my girl where you live, and I’m going to bring her over there to kick your ass.”
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.
This article appears in Sep 7-13, 2010.
