Civil War: A 34-year-old woman filed a police report after a man whom she shares a child with threatened her at her apartment complex. She told officers that the man stated, “My entire family is going to come from Alabama and Georgia to whoop your ass. If you ever try to take my child away from me I will kill you.” Sorry kids, no beach trip this year. You know we plan our vacations around Cyrus’ domestic disputes.
More Baby Mama Drama: A 20-year-old woman called police after being assaulted while leaving school. She told officers she was in a parking lot across from Johnson & Wales University when her ex-boyfriend’s mother approached her from behind and smacked her in the back of the head with an open hand. The suspect yelled, “Tell the truth about the fuckin’ baby’s daddy,” before striking her again and suggesting that she “just keep on walking.”
Catch A Bus: A 29-year-old woman called police after a man vandalized her property. She told officers the man took a baseball bat to a pink Big Wheels jeep that she had for her daughter in the garage. He would’ve slit the tires except for that they aren’t inflatable.
Don’t Point: A man was taken to jail for assault on a police officer after making a horrible decision. The officer filed a report stating that the man poked his badge several times while he was working in an official capacity at the EpiCentre. Future job prospects were going down the drain with every poke this idiot made.
Jumper: Police were called to an apartment complex on Central Avenue after an attempted suicide call came in. A 27-year-old woman was attempting to jump off the second story balcony of an apartment but was grabbed by officers before she could do so. As someone who has fallen from this height before I have some major advice: Get happier or climb higher. This would only have ended in a horrible three months for you.
Desperate Times: Police were called to Crossway Community Church after a man was caught stealing from the collection plate. A 61-year-old man told officers that he had placed two checks in the collection plate and noticed shortly after that a man had taken both of the checks. I would think using checks for the collection plate was as overly cautious as you could be to prevent theft, but apparently this guy likes a challenge.
Typical Friday Night: A 46-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by a male friend. She told officers that she was under a bridge with this guy and was simply trying to talk to him after they had been drinking and smoking crack together all night. The man turned and hit her and grabbed her by the shirt. My friends have similar reactions to my rants after nights of crack-binging, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.
Stay Off: A woman called police after she says her 14-year-old son’s bus driver assaulted him as he was trying to board the bus to go to school. She told officers the kid was getting on the bus when the driver closed the door, shutting it on his arm. The boy’s injuries were not serious, but I’m sure he got a day out of school for it. Just make sure the principal is there to hold the doors of the school open when he comes back.
New Technology: A 45-year-old woman called police after being ripped off by someone who didn’t have to try all that hard. She told officers she came about the suspects on South Tryon Street one night, and they told her that the items wrapped in bubble wrap in front of them were new computers. The victim agreed to purchase two of the mystery packages for $1,200 each without checking them out first. When she got home she unwrapped the packages to find that they were simply blocks of wood … hence the term blockhead.
Collateral Damage: A 22-year-old man filed a police report after he said he was assaulted. He told officers he was accidentally injured while being detained by security guards who were kicking him out of a bar in the downtown area.
Mind Freak: A 37-year-old man called police after receiving two threatening phone calls from a man he knows. He told officers the man said, “I will come to Charlotte and make both of you disappear. I will fuck you up.” This is just the new promotion for Criss Angel’s shows. Apparently he has a tour stop in Charlotte soon. And he fucks people up.
Threat of the Week: A 25-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers the suspect called six times in one week and made statements like: “I’ll beat your ass when I see you. Watch your back because I don’t care if you have your kid with you.” You hear that little Amy? No more playing human shield with mommy!
Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.
This article appears in Nov 9-15, 2010.
