By John McCain
As I told the National Sheriffs’ Association Tuesday, protecting innocent citizens 
from the scourge of crime is one of the chief responsibilities of our government. But there’s only so much we can do alone. That’s why I’m proposing a radical new approach to crime fighting. I’m installing a bat signal on top of the White House.
It would be the world’s largest bat signal, and it would be visible anywhere in the country, from Washington D.C. to Gotham City to Metropolis to New York to wherever the Wonder Twins live. This bat signal would be a beacon of hope in these troubling times, instilling faith into the minds of the citizenry while striking fear into the hearts of those who answer evil’s call. Especially if it’s cloudy. It works a lot better when it’s cloudy. And mostly at nighttime.
When the bat signal shines into the heavens, that’s when Batman, my newly appointed Secretary of the Department of Batman, will emerge to fight our nation’s battles, whether they be against terrorism or jewel heists. Answering the call to keep our proud nation safe from all attacks, be it al Qaeda, the Jokester, or whatever Liam Neeson’s character’s name was (spoiler alert – Liam Neeson was the bad guy!).
In these complicated times, people have begun to throw around the word “hero” to refer to a lot of different sorts of people. People like firefighters and policemen, people who don’t have any super powers. And the word applies. But doesn’t it also apply to a man in a really cool costume with a logo, a cape and a utility belt? And if you think about it, doesn’t everybody have a “super” power of some sort? Everybody’s good at something — maybe you’re a really good speller, or a fast runner, or you’re really good at whistling. My point is this, friends: Every American is a hero of some kind, except for people who can’t whistle. Thank you.
McCain/Batman 2008!
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This article appears in Jul 2-8, 2008.
