My sister texted me the other day asking if I wanted to do lunch. Since we work only a few blocks from each other in Uptown, I suggested we try one of my new discoveries, Vapiano. We met on the corner of Third and Tryon streets and walked the half block to our destination. It was about 12:40, and the Uptown lunch crowd was growing by the minute.
We were enjoying our meal and lively conversation when out of nowhere, an older white dude sits down at our table.
I’ll admit that by that point the lunch crowd was in full swing, and we were sitting at a table that could accommodate a few more folks. But this gentleman did not say excuse me, inquire if we were expecting more people in our party, or even ask how sweet the tea was that we were drinking. He just sat his non-communicative butt down and started eating his lunch.
It’s not uncommon to feel hurt when you think you have been slighted, but when you are a minority — accustomed to being invisible to some people while simultaneously being subjected to their scrutiny — situations like the one my sister and I experienced often put you in an uncomfortable position of uncertainty: Is blatant rudeness just that, or is it racially motivated? After all, I am 6’3″ with dreadlocks and my sister is an afro-sporting fashionista. We didn’t exactly blend into the restaurant’s crowd.
If you have been in that kind of situation, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, let me explain. There you are, in a store, dressed in business-casual attire, yet the salesperson is tracking you like caribou. Or you are in line at the bank, and the clerk, who has just finished an animated conversation with the patron in front of you — the customer she all but bear hugs before he leaves — loses all of her energy when you approach.
If you are a person of color, you cannot help but wonder, is it my race, my gender or my hair that she doesn’t like? Maybe it’s my “I heart Golden Girls” T-shirt. Or maybe the guy was her childhood best friend that she hadn’t seen in years. All this stuff flies through your head in less than 30 seconds.
We evaluate human behavior through our filters, which alter our individual analytical process. Sometimes, as in the case of the bank clerk, we don’t yield a clear result. Was our new lunch companion so steeped in his own privilege that he didn’t think to excuse himself? Were we such a non-factor that we did not even warrant a polite exchange? Was he just a jerk?
Or, was it a classic case of cultural insensitivity?
Cultural sensitivity means being aware and accepting of other cultures. It is important to exercise, because what seems acceptable in some cultures can be interpreted as rude or derogatory in others.
For example, when I traveled to Paris as a graduate student, I found that Europeans have a very different sense of personal space than Americans do. Folks would be all up in my grill when speaking to me. I had to restrain myself from pushing back, as I did not want to offend anyone. After all, I was in their country; it was up to me to adapt.
If the guy who sat next to us was from the South, he probably would have been polite and formal. He could have also been unaware of the boundary issues two African Americans who grew up in the inner city constantly face, and therefore insensitive to any rudeness he might give off. Or, he could have just been in a bad mood.
I shared this incident with folks, who, depending on their filters, interpreted the exchange differently. Some deduced that perhaps he was from a place where the boundaries between public and personal space are blurred. My friends from New York said folks share space without introduction all the time. I also had reactions like my friend Iris’s, who said she would have started talking loudly about him since he sat down and refused to acknowledge our presence.
When he sat down without a word, my sister and I exchanged perplexed glances, uncertain as to why this man had invaded our space. She thought to test the waters and spoke to our new-found lunch buddy. He looked at her and went back to eating. We had heard him speaking English on his phone earlier, so he was neither deaf, mute nor unable to understand her.
We quickly forgot the encounter and went back to our meal. Whether a racist or just a jerk, he didn’t deserve any more of our time. Paging curmudgeon, party of one!
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This article appears in Sep 11-17, 2013.
How about rude and weird. Anyone raised with rudimentary social skills knows it is rude to intrude at a public dining table without introduction or so much as a “May I join you.”
Then to refuse to acknowledge the effort of your sister is beyond rude.
Rude guy.
Great column.
Its crazy how if the tables were turned somebody would have said something or the police/security guard would have been called, it bothers me that I have to think about why a certain person of color look at me in a certain way and it all boils down to the color of my skin. 400+ years living in this place we call America we are still stared down and talked about when we walk away but we still bleed the same blood and breathe the same air and see the same shit(sorry for the curse word) as they do we are always the suspect when we should be the victims. But what i’ve noticed as i’m going through this growing up process is we can fight back with black excellence and the fact that he sat at the table with you at that specific restuarant means that we are winning
Daisean Mills, I like your attitude, brother!
@D Barbara McWhite You would think just good old fashion social skills and home training would be universal but maybe not for everyone….lol Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on the subject!
@Daisean Mills you are so correct young brother artist that there is a double standard of how certain situations are handled. I know it would have been a very different scenario if I had sat down uninvited and acted as rudely as our unwanted lunch guest. Keep doing your thing and fight with your mind and talent. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this subject!
i believe it was both …due to the fact the person did not acknowledge you or your sister at all ..even when spoken to . seemed to be an unspoken dare to call out the offense . race and cultural require a lot of patience and i salute you and your sis for not “going all angry black person on them “, which is usually our go to strategy when frustrated . my pet peeve is waiting to be acknowledged while on line as the clerk banters ( usually on the phone , sometimes in person and happens especially in a cab as you explain the way YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO !) in their native tongue with no “i’ll be right with you ” . i’ve left many establishments and asked many a cab to pull over due to this ….i refuse to suffer in silence or spend my resources with anyone who makes me feel invisible !!!
my opinion: not racist,yes he was ignorant to social graces….. Last year I was sitting in the middle of a large table waiting on my party to arrive when an entire family (multiple generations) came and sat down around me. Talk about uncomfortable. I don’t remember their race just that there were tables around me that were open and they even had to get an extra chair so they could all fit w/ me. Now, I looked back and forth at them as they got their places situated w/ complete bewilderment in my eyes. WTH is this? No one asked, No one said anything to me. Everyone started talking about their family and who was going to tell U.Joe he needed to start pulling his weight. I am usually not at a loss of words but this was a new day. Well the youngest started to eat and was having trouble opening the package of sauce so I reached across the table and opened it for her. She said thank you and looked at the oldest person at the table and said, “see, I told you she was one of us”. We all oddly laughed and then my actual party came up and took another table. I wished my new odd friends a blessed day and went to join my more normal friends. I don’t remember their race just the unique manner in which this tribe went through life. Almost like no matter what you will like us. It is a given. They were right. Your guy seems like one of those who wants the interaction but doesn’t want the interaction. Almost like after sitting down he wanted to be left alone. Maybe he is part cat?
It sounds like a good ol’ country case of “social retardation”… I could be wrong. It’s hard to tell these days. I would have been uncomfortable too. I do not allow people in my personal space and I hate it when someone does that. I have asked several people behind me at the grocery store/walmart to please step back while I am completing my transaction. People will walk right up behind you as if they are trying to push you on out of the line or as if they are trying to see your pin number. Quite a few have been offended that I asked but most are very apologetic and they take steps backward. This man was rude and ignorant…
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Some people are rude and totally self centered. I does not necessarily have anything to do with race.
@Godds Child Yes it would only add to the stereotype to go all “angry black person” on folks….LOL. I commend you for exercising your economic power when folks do not give the appropriate customer service. More folks should do the same. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this subject!
@Melyndag I also do not like when people crowd me in line while completing a transaction. It is like do you not still see me taking up this space? I commend you for defending your personal space….smile Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this topic!
@DLP I agree that some folks are rude and self centered but the point is whenever race, class, gender or other characteristics are involved you are not sure if the behavior is motivated just from plan old rudeness or some other factor. Thank you for reading and sharing your views!
It is a shame that you even have to wonder. Of course, Mr. Rude did sit with the most interesting and entertaining people in the place, IMHO. I’m socially awkward, so I would never do anything like that to begin with, but if I had, I would have most certainly opened my mouth to say HI.
Love the article Charles- bringing awareness is always necessary- I especially appreciate that your sister engaged the “sitter” in a positive way showed character and strength, the fact he chose to be ignorant, dismissive, racist, rude or just ‘special’ (bless his heart) is his issue, that because of your positive approach has no strength. As an observation on American culture- I agree that we are becoming not just culturally insensitive but socially unaware, I often stand in line waiting to be acknowledged or checked out at Harris Teeter while the cashier talks loudly to her friend 3 aisles down about her night out, what food she just ate and what an ass her boyfriend is, the whole time consciously ignoring me- I am 6’4″ with tattoos, bald, and white also tough not to notice- and this abject conscious decision to ignore me and not do your job in the service industry happens all the time- my favorite is when they begin to ring me up and continue talking over me and past me to their friend while smacking their gum. KEEP up the good work- love what you do
It takes energy to be that anti-social. I’m glad you wrote about this and took the time to address so many aspects of this situation.
I’m comforted as one who experiences certain social symptoms in a small Texas town. Here, it is not racism, but that you must be related(!) or you are invisible and if visible, will be mistreated.
@rfox I was put off by one person joining my table I am not sure what I would do if an entire table of folks bombarded me….LOl You handled it with definite grace. Maybe he was part cat…smile Thank you for reading and sharing your own experiences on this subject!
@Marty Kindall Chester I am like you Marty and would be too awkward to just sit down at someone’s table without asking….LOL And yes it is sad that in this day and age we still have to consider things like race in certain situations. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!
@Mike Watson You are so correct that we are becoming more socially unaware as a society. We shop at the same Harris Teeter and OMG I think I have been in the same cashier’s line too as she constantly talks to other employee’s while watching me bag my own groceries….LOL Thank you for reading and as always sharing your insightful perspective man!
@Dianne Marcucci You bring up an excellent point that we can feel slighted and confused as to why we are being treated a certain way because we are different. The difference can be race, gender or the perception of being an outsider. Thank you for reading and sharing your experiences on this topic!
Wow! Charles you are such a classy and thoughtful individual. Me with my straight out of Jersey familiarity with blatant racism and racial profiling would have addressed it by stating how rude and disregarding his actions were and ask him to move respectfully. Is this the best approach. ..uh, maybe not but this intelligant Black woman ex front line activist just has not learned to bite her tongue. I just try not to let my emotions push me to the point of being ignorant in how I address it. BUT I will address it every time.
So of course you know I would have started a conversation. If he refused to talk, I would have explained that his best bet would be to keep it moving! You know I wanna say more, but I’ll leave it as is. LOL
he was apparently ignorant for not even asking if it was somebody spot as far as racist I can’t really say other than he was just being very rude….sometimes people just want to get a reaction out of others so they can always try to end up the vulnerable victim…
@Isis Reddick-Umoja I can see you now getting all Jersey girl on that dude….LOL I guess my southern sense of politeness to a fault kicks in but I also have been known to have to go off if the situation is warranted….LOL Thank you for reading and sharing your views on this topic!
@QuietStorm Fairley You are right some folks just like to see if they can push your buttons to get a rise out of you. I am not sure what that does for them but they obvious get something out of it…LOL Thank you for reading and sharing your views on the subject!
Ugh, thank you. For the longest time I worried if it was “just me.” When they say racism (and other types of -isms) cause a lot of stress and even health problems, they aren’t kidding! And it’s because if you’re part of a marginalized group, you can rarely be sure if it’s “just rudeness.” That sort of paranoia is tiring.
@Co-signed You are correct the stress that comes along with being marginalized is very real and unless you have been in that position it is hard to comprehend by some folks. Thank you for pointing that out, reading and sharing your thoughts on this subject!
It is just plain rude, especially when personally addressed and did not answer. As an older white female, I have had the experience of being completely ignored when in a retail store and looking for some assistance. The salespeople, especially in Best Buy (the worst), seem to feel that older adults are not really interested in purchasing LARGE, PRICEY items and they choose to ignore a possibly HUGE sale. So on somewhat of a small level, I can understand the dissing. Racism…I don’t think so…just plain bad manners!
I enjoyed this very much. My 14 year old and I were discussing this topic this weekend. It’s such a burden at times not knowing and feeling compelled to wonder about hidden or overt racism in day to day interactions.
@Shany LOL it sounds like you would have showed up and showed out….LOL Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this experience.
@Sue Johnson you bring up an excellent point that regardless of how you are being marginalized in a situation it still causes anxiety because you know in your gut that this situation is not right. Thank you for reading and sharing your experience!
@Ife Nellons. I am glad you are having dialogue with your 14 year old. It is sad that we must still prepare our youth that some folks will unfortunately treat them differently just based on what they look like. Thank you for reading and keep the dialogue going….smile
I say he was just rude and/or antisocial. Racist behavior would have been him choosing to eat standing up rather then sit next to you and your sis. He clearly had no qualms about breaking bread with you. He did lack in the common courtesy and social skill department though. Great article!
@Gina Davis Grant I agree he definitely lacked social skills but it was the absolute refusal to acknowledge us as just two human beings literally only a few feet from him even after a greeting was made. Thank you for reading and sharing your views on this topic!
It has always seemed to me that there is this kind of universal understanding of what rude is. Racist, some less so. For that reason, I have all but removed the latter from my word-stock.
In this country, so many actions can easily be categorized as one or both of the two, whether parties are aware or not. I have kind of adopted the word “insensitive” as my catchall sit-in for both and it usually captures milieu if not the mood. I think your uninvited guest could have been rude or racist, some hybrid of both or neither.
Fact remains, two people had gathered and were clearly in company when he crashed. In the most tactful way possible, I would have called his intention to it.
If it turns out that restaurant is largely open dining, then some of what described can happen. However, then it becomes an issue of how people approach matters. Your treatment, no matter the environ or setting, is not unfastened to what buzzes along.
I am highly sensitized to environments where the cultural and social mixes may prove clunky for people who look like me – whatever the reason. I asked for no apologists and promise not to be one in return. Restaurants are HIGH on that sensitivity list.
I am sometimes the unwitting tagalong to eateries where friends want to try out what is new. I like trying out things myself. But I have limitations about mood in both the surrounds and in the psychographics. And folks who take me along know them and know why.
People who do what you described deserve a candid reaction commensurate with the forthrightness they present. My experience has been once they receive it they discover a newfound appreciation for “knocking” before entering… lol
Rude started when he sat his behind down at the table. Then disrespectful came into play when he did not even ask if anyone was sitting there, nor when he decided not to open his mouth and speak. Now, if this was the other way around, I can imagine how fast you and your sister would have kindly been escorted out the front door. I applaud you and your sister for the class I which the both of you showed. Now had it been me, the New York attitude would have been in full blast. I would have ended up getting my own self escorted out the front door. It truly disturbs me how some white people feel that we owe them something and can treat African Americans in such a disrespectful manner. We are clearly in the year of 2013, and yet and still they feel as if they still can treat us any way. My personal opinion is, White Society will never change, they only gets worst.
@Tony Tony Stark I can always depend on you to bring some clarity and wisdom to the situation. I agree with your adaption of insensitivity which is why I mentioned cultural sensitivity. So you are right regardless if it was racially motivated you would think cultural expectations of civility would kick in. Thank you brother Tony for reading and always bringing an informed opinion on the topic!
@La-Trenda A Gift. I have seen you mad and would not want to be on the receiving end of that New York attitude Diva….LOL And you are right I know that if I had acted in a similar fashion it would have been a very different outcome unfortunately. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts and views on this topic!
Quit using race as a crutch. It gets really old.
@movealong What gets even more old is some folks inability to see that right or wrong race, class, gender, and other isms still factor how some people are treated. Thank you for your comment.
That’s just rude. You guys did better than me because I would of said “excuse you”. Now, would we as black people do something like that? No because we were brought up to have respect for everyone.
@Raynelle Roy You are right Diva…it just comes down to good old fashioned home training but you have to be taught to be sensitive to others. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts on this topic!
The act was rude but you have to know the individual to know he is a jerk. He may not be wired to understand certain social norms. Racist? Well this really does not apply here. Its a pretty big stretch to go there.
@Sammybo The point I make and that many folks get if you are in a similar situation and have similar filters is that there is a lot of anxiety associated when there is a conflict where race, class, gender or other isms are in play. It is not so easy to pin point. Thank you for reading and adding your thoughts to this discussion!
As kid in DC, with my Mom, we would go to McDonald’s and someone would always sit in the other part of the 4 top. I remember asking my Mom why people did that. IN suburban Virgina people would use social graces to ask if it was OK to sit with someone else. In the city, 10 short miles away, it was the opposite.
After moving down here to Charlotte i can say most everyone ive met have been pretty socially awkward and pretty rude, and very selfish both black and white….me and my gf will be moving soon 🙂
After just moving to charlotte about a month ago…i can say almost all both white and black are pretty socially awkward and rude in general. Was actually pretty shocked at the over all selfish attitude this city carries. So much for southern hospitality.