On my first full day working at Creative Loafing, I was dropped off at the police station.
Not that I had done anything wrong; it was, in fact, quite the opposite. I was being entrusted with a great privilege: I was to be the next author of the literary marvel known as The Blotter.
As you may know, The Blotter is a weekly, and downright uproarious account, of crime in Charlotte. The column is made up of real crime stories pulled from real local police reports; and that's why I'd been dumped at police headquarters as a neophyte Loafer. The "Cop Shop" (aka the media room where the police reports from the day before are piled a couple of feet high) is a magical place populated by pretty, heavily made up ladies in high heels. These women are TV news reporters and use the police reports to find break-ins, armed robberies, and if they are lucky, a peeping Tom (which always boosts ratings, they've told me). I was searching for their rejects: bizarre, twisted or stupid crimes.
Perhaps this best of The Blotter issue needs no introduction. You know the drill. You, my loyal readers, recognize the lasting fulfillment that reading these snippets can bring to your life. In these fast-paced times, you just don't have the time to finish a whole romance novel or slasher mystery. Wisely, you turn to me.
Or maybe you are a casual reader -- your interest piqued by evocative phrases such as "dirty crack whore" or by those "witty" zingers hilariously tagged onto some entries.
Perhaps you don't read it at all. These true crimes are depressing, you say; exploitative of the socioeconomic disadvantaged and worse yet, scribing and promoting morally reprehensible acts in a way only Judith Regan would appreciate.
To you I say, carplooey. Yes that's right: carplooey. Is that even a word? I'm not sure. What I am sure about is these Blotters are the best of the best; that perfect combination of bizarre, stupid and really stupid that makes us chuckle out loud, guiltily, as we take solace that at least our problems aren't "Blotter" bad.
That's Gotta Hurt
STILETTO TO THE FACE: At a certain Morehead Street bar, a 22-year-old Chapel Hill man sustained an injury from an employee of the establishment -- surprisingly, not from a bouncer or bartender clocking him upside the head. According to the report, "The man received an injury to his tooth while watching a female dance on a pole." Both he and the dancer stated it was an accident and no criminal intent was involved. The fact that he still filed a report must be charity to this Blotter writer.
HOT THINGS IN THE FACE: At the drive-thru of a Wendy's (where only good, yummy things are supposed to happen) a man became irate when his fries were cold. An employee went outside to deliver hot, fresh fries to the man's vehicle in the parking lot. The man got out of the vehicle and began cursing and yelling at her. As she turned to walk back into the restaurant, the man threw the hot fries in her face.
A FINE LINE: An Iron Station man reported a crime this week that happened on Feb. 2 of this year. The man thought "the suspect was his friend and they were going to hug, instead the suspect started punching him in the face."
I DID WHAT?: According to a bouncer at Amos' SouthEnd, an inebriated patron was asked to leave after climbing onto the stage during a performance. The patron resisted the "escort" and spun around to try to free himself of the bouncer. He grabbed the cigarette machine and held on for dear life as the bouncer tried to pull him off. During the skirmish, the man chipped his front tooth on the ground. He denies climbing on the stage and is requesting documentation of the incident.
MIKE TYSON WANNABE: Police responded to an assault call on Woodlawn Road. Once there, they found two males had been assaulted with cutting instruments and a third male had the top of his ear bitten off. Marijuana (valued at $20) was found at the scene. Sounds like the perfect anti-pot ad: smoking dope will make you crave human flesh.
DON'T TRUST THE ENFEEBLED: A 64-year-old woman reported a caned man used his walking implement as a weapon, pressing the stick against her neck.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?: An employee at an Old Nations Ford Road business attempted to unclasp his overalls with a pry tool and in the process accidentally stabbed himself in the chest. He was treated for life-threatening injuries.
LARRY 'N MOE IN JAIL: A hungry inmate was dining on some jailhouse grub when her cellmate began poking her fork into her plate. She asked the fork poker to stop, but instead of relenting, the poker switched poking devices. In classic Three Stooges form, she poked her finger into the woman's eyes before the victim could employ the classic hand-in-front-of-the-nose block. The assaulter then abandoned her cutesy methods of attack and slugged the hungry inmate two times in the face, breaking her nose.
GOLDEN GOOSE: A magazine salesman was soliciting business in a neighborhood and approached a house with some neat yard decorations. At the steps of the residence, he began to play with a pink wooden goose, spinning the wing of the birdie. The homeowner came out of the house and told the salesman to stop spinning the wing. To spite the woman, after being told not to, the salesman gave the wing a final spin. The homeowner swatted the salesman's hand away, causing a scratch. The salesman called in the report of simple assault. No, the police do not have better things to do with their time.
WHO THROWS BRICKS?: In an uptown Charlotte home, a man picked up a brick and threw it at a person. The intended target ducked and the brick hit a man standing behind the ducker square in the face. He suffered a broken nose.
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?: There are many ways to assault a person; this just might be the worst: A 52-year-old woman reported a suspect struck her twice in the leg with her own wheelchair.
CHEMISTRY LESSON: A 48-year-old man was assaulted when a suspect threw an unknown liquid in his face. The man believes the mystery liquid was Clorox. Then the suspect slapped the man's glasses off his face. CL advises if you are trying to splash chemicals in someone's face, you should slap the glasses off first and then hit him or her with the toxins.
I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP: A man of questionable balance was standing on a 6-foot ladder and shaking a pecan tree (two activities that should never be combined). The man was not satisfied with the amount of pecans he had shaken and stepped on a branch to get higher in the tree. The branch snapped and the victim fell. No injuries were reported.
Fun with Cleptos
MALIBU STACY GETTIN' FREAKY: A doll was humiliated when a vandal broke into her home, made her strip and robbed her of her clothes. A 60-year-old woman reported the only item missing after a break-in was $100 worth of doll clothes (a head-band and dark brown fur shawl) taken off a doll on the shelf of her bedroom closet. Isn't it more plausible that this inanimate floozy was caught mid-tryst with Ken -- notorious manwhore of the doll kingdom?
IT'S NOT QUALITY, IT'S QUANTITY: A robber broke into a dollar store and took $4,000 worth of merchandise. According to a local mathematician, the vandal stole approximately 4,000 items.
THE EAGLE FLIES AT DAWN: Several suspects entered a retail store and dispersed themselves throughout. Then one yelled, "I have a trap jacket!" and all the suspects ran out of the store at the same time with stolen clothing. A less obvious code would have been, "Hey everybody, we're stealing things and exiting the store!"
HOW LARGE IS YOUR PURSE?: An employee at Jerry's Market (not Jerry) observed a woman putting a whole ham in her purse. The ham-burglar was stopped at the counter and asked to open her purse. Brazenly she opened it to show off her loot. Then she shut the purse and ran out.
GRAVE TRADE: A woman bought a grave plot from a man for $225 because he convinced her he would turn around and sell the plot for $2,800 and give her the profit. The man called back the next day and asked for $100 more, which she gave him. She has not seen or heard from him since.
FLOWER FELONY?: The good times didn't last very long after a recent wedding. Eight silk flower arrangements valued at $500 were stolen from the bride. Who would do such a thing you ask? The crime was committed by the bride's father, who argued that he didn't steal the flowers; he paid for them, so they were rightfully his.
DO YOU HAVE AN AUDIOVISUAL SECTION?: An alarm sounded when the back door of an elementary school's library was kicked in. Once inside, the trespassers took nothing, proving that reading is in fact dead.
CASANOVA: Diamond earrings, a pearl necklace and a $100 bottle of champagne were stolen from a man's home. It's doubtful the robber will choose to tell his partner that the romantic gesture came from dishonorable means.
MMMMMM ... BEER: An armed robbery occurred at a gas station mart in the middle of the afternoon. Thieves took $1,220 and a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Guess money doesn't change everything.
TRENDY THIEF: A shoplifter at Wal-Mart snatched some sports bras, a bottle of Dr. Pepper, belly rings, and plastic sunglasses.
D'OH!: A woman stopped by her mother's house for a routine check while her mother was out of town. She noticed someone had eaten six donuts that had been in the kitchen the day before. Upon inspecting the house, she found an unknown man, the presumed donut snatcher, under her mother's bed. When she returned with police, the suspect was gone, having effectively pulled off the greatest donut heist of all time wearing some awesome sunglasses.
FIZZY GOLD: A mugger brandishing a hammer confronted a man strolling home from work with a 20-oz cherry soda in hand. When the stroller said he had no money, the hammerman took a swing. A skirmish ensued. Hammerman abandoned his tool for his bare knuckles. He landed a punch and ran off with the stroller's soda.
THREE LEFT FEET: A shoe store in Plaza-Midwood reported that a customer stole one tennis shoe from each of three pairs of sneakers. No motive is immediately known, but off-the-wall explanations are plentiful. One theory gaining credence connects the vandal in some sort of union (possibly a romantically-charged one) with a three-footed, bunion-toed monster.
BRAT BUST: At a gas station a man took three delicious wieners valued at $3.87 and ate them while standing at the machine. The manager asked the man if he was going to pay for the pork products he had just consumed. The man said he had no money. The manager called the police who arrested the man, who was still at the scene consuming hot dogs.
How Bizarre
YOU MAKE THE DIAGNOSIS: A homeless man entered an Albemarle Wachovia branch with a handwritten note. It read: "You have 18 seconds to give me my $600, or I am going to die. This is a bank robbery." The robber then said, "This is no joke, I need to go to jail. This is the only way, or I will die. Call the police." He added that something bad would happen if he did not get the cash. The bank teller forked over the $600. Before leaving the bank, the man handed her his license so the police could better find him.
I'M WARNING YOU, MY HEADACHE WILL REALLY GO AWAY: Speaking of bothering the police, a man called 911 to say he would most likely be overdosing soon. He had taken too many pills he said, and would soon be falling asleep. When police arrived on scene, the man told them he had ingested four aspirins. Not 40. Four.
ICE MAN: A man received a phone call from a dialer who had the wrong number. When he expressed his intent to hang up, things got out of control. "If you hang up the phone, I will kill you," the caller threatened. "If I hang up this phone, I will call the police," the cool and collected man fired back. "Do you need some assistance with that?," the harasser jabbed. The victim's icy phone manner was just a bluff. Afterwards, he called police, worried for his safety.
SWALLOW THE EVIDENCE: Police showed up to a man's home to investigate counterfeiting. They found a safe in his closet and asked the man to open it. He pulled out two fake $100 bills and a fake $20. The police asked him to hand the counterfeit cash over. Instead, he stuffed the bills into his mouth and ran down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, with the money still in his mouth, he ripped the metal banister from the stairway Incredible Hulk-style and threw it at the officers. The officers finally caught up with him, at which point he swallowed the money. "Hulk" attempted to bite the officers and was also charged with resisting arrest.
MACGYVER: A man, who may or may not have been a detective, showed up at another man's house with a door and demanded the resident accompany him to a nearby field. The wannabe detective pushed the man down and forced him to take off his shoes. He then compared the man's shoe to a shoe print that had been made on his kicked-down door. When the shoe prints didn't match, the detective became furious. The shoeless man's sister intervened and broke up the incident.
PSA?: A vandal used orange fluorescent spray paint to write "Think about AIDS" on a woman's driveway. The woman suffered a similar vandalism act to her driveway two years ago.
CRAZY DUDE: A landscaper noticed a man lying down on Church Street by the fire station where he was working. A fire truck left the station blaring its sirens and causing the man to jump up and charge at the landscaper. The crazy man demanded to know which way the train was coming from (not the truck). The landscaper wisely took his blower and blew air in the man's face. The crazy man backed away. A little later, another fire truck came down the street and this time the crazy man tried to jump on. When he failed, he saw the landscaper and made another bullish charge. Two firemen hopped out of the truck and subdued the man.
JIM CARREY IMPERSONATION: A cable guy began chatting up a client about his plans to start a massage company. Unsolicited, he began to rub the woman's back as a demonstration. The first time this happened, she got up and walked into the kitchen, hoping the creepy cable guy would get the hint. He didn't. He walked over to her at the kitchen table where she was writing a check for the cable and continued the massage. The woman stated that while she was uncomfortable, she did not tell the cable masseuse not to touch her.
FREE FISH: A woman returned from the restroom of a seafood restaurant on Pineville-Matthews Road and found her dining mate gone. In his place, there was a note. "Sorry I came expecting to ask you for money, but you owe me from so far back so I decided tonight was on you. Thanks Tamara."
FOOD FIGHT: A woman walked into a fitness center to speak with a male employee she knew. During the conversation, the woman became enraged and threw her lunch (which she was holding for some reason) at the man. Barbeque chicken and mashed potatoes were hurled from the Tupperware container. The woman added insult to injury by mashing the food into the carpet with her foot. She was charged with assault and damage to property.
STICKMAN: Waiting outside a soup kitchen, a homeless man was approached by another homeless man known as Stickman, who was without his trademark stick. Stick-less Stickman accused the man of stealing his namesake. The man denied it. So Stickman ran into the nearby woods to fetch another stick and returned to break in his new tree appendage. Stickman hit the man he believed took his stick on the hand.
STAY AWAY FROM MY GRANDMA!: A desperate and lonely man longing to see his ex-girlfriend, who had filed a restraining order against him, turned to his last option: a grandma. The man told his ex's grandma all about the separation and how he was wronged in hopes that granny would call her granddaughter and go to bat for him. The granddaughter stated that her crazy ex had never met her grandma.
NEXT TIME TRY A KNIFE: An intoxicated man pulled out his cutlery on a family member and made threatening stabbing gestures with his fork. When police arrived, the man began yelling at them. He refused to drop his weapon or place his hands behind his back. According to the police report, "the suspect was arrested for resisting arrest." Isn't that a catch-22?
MR. ED: A University area woman reported an unknown person repeatedly called her cell phone. The first time, the caller asked, "Do you have a horse?" The woman does not have a horse, so she said "no" and hung up. The second time, the caller asked to speak to some unknown person. The third time, the caller asked for someone named Eric.
FIRE SALE: A shopper decided to create his own sale at a Value City. He damaged the top of a dresser and then marked down the price on the tag. He found a sales representative and purchased the dresser at the new bargain price. He was caught on tape and arrested at his home the next day. Ironically, Value City will now have to mark down the armoire to sell it.
Sexy Time
UNDER-NOTHING COP: An undercover cop was doing his sleuthing at a sauna in the YMCA men's locker room recently. Covered only by a skimpy towel, the cop was solicited for oral sex by a man, who began to masturbate. He was arrested.
CHEDDAR BEEF GETS ME HOT: An employee at an East Charlotte Arby's witnessed a man enter the eatery at 8:40 p.m. on a Monday evening. The man proceeded into the men's restroom and attempted to have sex on the sink. Unfortunately, the report does not indicate who or what the man attempted to have sex with. The report does indicate, however, that the man shattered the sink, valued at $200. Afterwards, the sink sex culprit left Arby's without attempting to make contact with management about fixing the sink.
STALKER SAFETY TIP: For two weeks, a woman received harassing phone calls at home and on her cell phone. She advised the gentleman caller that she didn't want anything to do with him. Still, he calls to say pseudo-romantic things like, "I just want to hear your voice." The situation entered another realm of creepiness when the woman spotted the man in her neighborhood as she was driving one day. The man followed her in his car. First, she decided to lose him then changed her mind. She made a u-ey to face him and wrote down his plate number. After the encounter, she got a message on her phone from the man. "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's dangerous to do your hair while you're driving?" The woman acknowledges she was fixing her hair when she first passed the man in her car, but wouldn't acknowledge that there is a better time to primp.
ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A PROSTITUTE?: A man approached a woman at a bus stop and asked her if she would sleep with him for money. The report does not indicate how much the man offered or whether the woman accepted it.
KINKY?: A woman returning to her apartment discovered someone had poured motor oil and whipped cream on her door. It may be the only time the two substances have been combined. The woman complained of paint damage.
Bitch, I'm Gonna Kill You
• An unknown person called a West Charlotte convenience market and said, "Tell your girlfriend to drop the charges or I will report statutory rape because your girlfriend's a minor."
• A person threatened two women and a man by saying: "I hate you crackers. I'll shoot your cracker asses and pull your hair out." One of the threatened women was Hispanic.
• A GM employee made a threat to the company but not to the facility he worked at in Charlotte. The employee said he would blow up the factory in the Philippines. As proof, he revealed three loaded guns that he was keeping in his vehicle in Charlotte. The man was suspended, probably for not being a team player.
• A man reported the following threat: "I'm going to kill you for the ounce of cocaine you owe me." The man received this call at his place of work four times, and his boss told the caller to stop calling. Hopefully the man's boss also told his employer to stop stealing cocaine.
• A Latino woman was threatened in her native language by a caller. The caller said: "I will make you eat land." The woman advised no one is really planning on forcing her to graze. In her country, the statement means, "I will kill you."
• While shopping at Eastland Mall, a man ran into a lady friend of his. The man asked her if she was pregnant, and the woman responded, "Yes, why do you want to know?" The man told her, "Let me know when your baby is born so I can beat your ass."
• Fill In The Blank: "Tell Jimmie I'll rip his head off and shut his !" is the message that a caller left on a cell phone of someone who knows Jimmie. It is unclear if the caller said, "exclamation mark" or if the message was censored. All that is certain is that this would make for an excellent Mad Libs. "And shut his ______ (body part)." Nipple?
• A woman did not like the way her new husband was treating her son. Step-dad said: "He's my stepson. I hit him upside the head when I want to and I will hit you upside your head." Nonsensically, he added: "You need to keep my damn name out your mouth" and "You're damn right you don't know me."
• A phone harasser couldn't get in contact with the male he wanted to harass. After calling seven times, he left this message: "Since you don't want to talk to me, I know where your mom works and I'll get her. I'll take what you owe me out of her." The harasser had left an earlier message stating, "If you don't give me what you owe me, I'll find you and take it out of your ass." Can you really take something out of someone's ass?
• A sensitive 51-year-old man called police to report he was the victim of telephone harassment. Someone had called the man four times between 9:30 a.m. and noon was calling to say he was stupid.
• When a man refused to pay off his debt, his loaner was advised to file a note of execution. The loaner was about to file, but began feeling sorry for the man. The loaner drove to the debtor's house to see if they could work out an agreement. But the debtor came out of his house with a pistol, cocked it, aimed it at the man and said, "I'm not the person you used to know." The loaner zoomed off in his car and filed the Note of Execution.
Read the Top 10 threats.
How to become a Blotter reporter.