After watching George W. Bush deliver his State of the Union speech, I was left with one huge question: what world is this guy living in? And then I realized the President was probably distracted, as is the entire universe, by the upcoming Super Bowl. Since then, we’ve learned that showing off New England QB Tom Brady during his speech was a decoy move because . . .guess who’s going to be coaching the Panthers on Sunday? Yep, none other than Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Ridge — the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Why not? After all, the war and football analogy has been used for years. President Nixon even used to send in plays to the Washington Redskins on a regular basis. It might even make for a more interesting game, played Houston-style.
For instance, under provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act, we’d be able to wiretap the other team’s huddle to make sure they weren’t plotting any terrorist activities. It’s unlikely that Coach Belichick, if he really is a Patriot, would object to sacrificing a tiny bit of personal freedom for the overall safety of the country.
New England cheerleaders would be restricted to a “free-cheer zone,” three blocks away from Reliant Stadium. While this country is built upon the concept of free speech, in times of war (or Super Bowl) overtly criticizing the country (or the country’s leaders acting as coaches) is really a form of aiding and abetting the enemy. And they’d still be able to protest, er, cheer. It’s just that nobody (with a camera) would be able to see or hear them. Mission accomplished.
A few minor rules changes would also be required; a non-issue since we know the NFL does not hate America (right?). Offensive strikes for the Panthers would not be limited to when we have the ball. A pre-emptive strike is a defensive measure and the Panthers will never wait for a permission slip from anyone to defend themselves. Similarly, opposing players may be held indefinitely without penalty and opposing wide receivers will be accompanied by armed “air marshals” (we can deputize Ricky Manning and Reggie Howard just prior to kickoff). Finally, to further solidify the Panthers’ defense, several Patriot (oops!) missile batteries will be brought in to defend against possible aerial bomb attacks.
This article appears in Jan 28 – Feb 3, 2004.
