Advice Goddess

Living Extra-Large

I’m a caring, smart, pretty, 23-year-old girl. I do have some extra pounds on me. (I’m 5’10”, size 16/18 — I am not skinny!) I have no problem getting sex, but guys never want to go further. Married men love me; they’re always asking me out and wanting to “rock my world.” They don’t want to leave their wives — they just want sex. Single guys have sex with me then inform me I’m “not their type.” How come guys always want to be around me, but having anyone know or see we’re more than friends is out of the question? –Want To Be Wanted Clothed, Too

Men want arm candy, not the whole candy store.

Don’t bother getting mad — unless you’d like to forget about joining the ranks of women with boyfriends in favor of joining the sisterhood of angry “wimyn” with furry armpits. Then, you too can sit around on Saturday nights lamenting that sad day in “wimyn’s herstory” when Hugh Hefner and Aaron Spelling suctioned all the Lane Bryant pinups out of the collective male brain — replacing them with a huge Heather Locklear poster and nude photos of thousands of unidentifiable, heavily reconstructed blondes.

What better way to pass the time while cornrowing one’s underarms than to complain about what men “should” want? For example, men “should” only concern themselves with the vastness of a woman’s heart, not the vastness of her booty. Maybe they “should.” Most don’t. What they do go for, reports Dr. David Buss in The Evolution of Desire, is the woman whose bod conveys status in their particular culture. Where food is scarce, that would be the chunky chicks. In this culture, where you can’t go 30 feet without stubbing your toe on Ronald McDonald, thin is in. That said, the skinny on skinny is that most men want an “average-size” woman — not one who’s a half-pound of flesh stretched around a wire coat hanger frame, her weight fluctuating wildly whenever she applies or removes mascara.

Wanting a girl who conveys status doesn’t stop a guy from wanting to “rock the world” of a girl who doesn’t — for an afternoon or an evening. Probably because you know your weight is an issue, you act like one of those gag-gift pens with the girl in the window: just give you a tilt and your clothes slide off. This isn’t to say you have to become a Rules girl who trades sex for homes, cars and yachts. (That’s just prostitution with the Good Housekeeping Seal Of Approval.) But do keep in mind how guys think: It makes no sense, once a girl’s clothes are out of the picture, to backtrack into the whole girlfriendization process. What, after a guy gets you naked he’s going to take you out for a Diet Coke and grill you about your childhood?

To optimize your chances of landing a great guy, make yourself attractive to the widest possible range of guys by changing what you eat and confining your bouncing to the Stairmaster. And stop going for married guys. They have wives at home. They aren’t looking for girlfriends, just girls — fat, skinny or average — who put out. Whether or not you choose to thin your thighs, what counts is the reshaping you do in your head: deciding that you’re entitled to be a girlfriend instead of a girltoy, and acting accordingly. Not all men want thin women, but even “chubby chasers” want girlfriends — not girls whose clothes slide off for any guy who tilts them to the left.

Slippery When Wed

I just got married to my girlfriend of many years without my family present. My family lives across the country and we wanted a low-key wedding — just me, my girlfriend and the justice of the peace. The problem? I haven’t told my family yet. How can I present this without causing a major rift? –Doom And Groom

There’s nothing like a ceremony of love to bring out viciousness and hate in people — bitter warfare over whether the tablecloths should be ecru, bone, ivory or white. Then again, there’s nothing like a secret ceremony of love to bring out viciousness and hate in people who weren’t invited — bitter warfare over whether you loathe them, dislike them or just don’t care about them. To keep this sort of thing to a minimum, call your family and tell them you wanted to “include them” (very important choice of words) in the big news that you two got married. Next, distract them by giving them a long list of small tasks to perform. You’ll do this by asking (ever-inclusively), if they’d prefer to have the reception where you live or at their place. Chances are, they’ll choose their place — which should keep them much too busy fighting amongst themselves to dwell on what a rotten, no-good son you are.

This article appears in Jul 23-29, 2003.