Alarmed by President Bush’s Sunday fainting spell, apparently triggered by a piece of pretzel “going down the wrong way,” White House advisers quickly set up coughing lessons for the Chief Executive. Early results were hopeful. “He’s making the right sound so that’s some progress,” said professional Cough Facilitator Hyacinth Jackson, “now, we’re working on muscle control so he can actually dislodge stuff from his throat. I’d say another couple of days and he’ll be fine. The last thing we want is for pretzels to wreak havoc with the war on terrorism.”
Local Story of the Week: The Deal The whole city (OK, the media and about a hundred suits) were abuzz over three businesses’ offer of $100 million cash up front to help buy a downtown arena. County Commissioner Bill James fought a weeklong email campaign charging the mayor and two councilmen with a conflict of interest (each works for one of the involved companies); James was unaware that the official Charlotte government dictionary defines “conflict of interest” as “modus operandi.” Feeling a renewed purpose now that big corporations are telling them what to do again, veteran councilmembers joined together in a chorus of “Seems Like Old Times.”
White woman wins prize Proving yet again that Americans’ ignorance of their own history can never be underestimated, the American Music Awards named Michael Jackson the Artist of the Century. In the meantime, Louis Armstrong, Elvis Presley, John Lennon and Miles Davis simultaneously turned in their graves — except for Lennon, whose ashes were scattered. But a few of them turned in the air.
Wher’s them beignets at? Hornets owner George “Hick In A Suit” Shinn showed up for meetings with city leaders in New Orleans sporting a brown coif, in marked contrast to his Mountain Dewish yellow tint of the past couple of years. . . .French lawmakers passed a bill banning disabled persons’ lawsuits that are based on the inventive concept of a “right not to be born.” Arguments continued all day until 5pm, when lawmakers adjourned for a glass of wine. The disabled persons involved in the dispute refused to have wine since, they said, “we don’t even think we’re supposed to be alive, much less thirsty.”
Happier than a. . . Giving new meaning to the term “slow learner,” Mike Williams, director of an NC State waste management center, said the school would need more than two years to study alternatives to the hog waste lagoons that have turned much of eastern NC into a pig latrine.
Breaking news! Lawyers want more money Former attorneys for Leslie Price, who unsuccessfully accused George “Little Bit” Shinn of sexual assault, sued a litigation finance outfit that had given Price $200,000 to get her lawsuit underway. The lawyers say the company’s advance kept them from successfully negotiating a settlement with Shinn.
Another dream into the litterbox Reports indicated former Florida football coach Steve Spurrier was on the verge of signing a five-year deal with the Washington Redskins, thus depriving Panthers fans of a “dream coach” to blame in case the team sucks again next season.
Poor side of town Compassionate conservatives, start your engines: Evidence continued to mount that things are getting worse for the poor, as the NY Times reported that many states are considering sharp cuts in Medicaid payments, and two nearby counties’ United Way funds say they’re facing program cutbacks.
Observer Headline of the Week: Commissioners Tilt Toward Downtown Courthouse
This article appears in Jan 19-25, 2002.
