“Star 69”-Crossed Lovers
For three months, I dated a girl who was perfect for me. I got scared, and acted like a total jerk, pushing her away without really explaining myself. I think I hurt her. It’s been a year, but I’ve been thinking about her nonstop. I actually called her cell phone last week. When she answered, I asked who it was and hung up like I’d called by mistake. Later, I realized she probably saw it was me on her Caller ID. Should I call her again, or just drop it?
–Hung Up
Romeo and Juliet. Tristan and Isolde. Ann Coulter and Michael Moore. Clearly, some loves just aren’t meant to be.
Oh, fate, black fate. Tragically, the time may have come for you to take your place in the long line of star-crossed lovers who struggled against all odds to be together. Of course, in your case, maybe “struggle” is too strong a word. After all, Romeo died for love. You won’t even dial.
Okay, okay … you did make that one hangup call. And surely, you have a plausible explanation for that — like, maybe you tripped, fell into a time warp, and woke up back in seventh grade. Should you call her again? Hmm, that’s a toughie. She would be a fantastic addition to the imaginary relationship you’ve been having with her. Still, calling her is going to cost you: one calorie — maybe two — if you’re vigorous in your approach to telephone push buttons. Like bodybuilders who carbo-load before a big contest, you’ll probably have to bulk up on a carrot stick, and maybe a cucumber wedge, before you give it another go.
Although she’s probably had your number for quite some time (thanks, in part, to Heartless Twit ID, a standard feature in every woman’s closest girlfriends), all is not lost. See, while women may claim “I love you” is the most beautiful thing a man could say to them, for many, its beauty pales in comparison with the words “I was wrong.”
That’s your bottom line. Precede it with a rush of flattering statements about her (always a good disconnect preventative). Then, confess to what she already knows: You were a cowardly jerk, with an itchy dialing finger, and you don’t deserve her. Only if you come completely clean do you have a chance of coming away with her. Explain, in detail, why you cut out, how you’ve learned your lesson, and how you plan to keep history from repeating itself, should she extend you a much-undeserved second chance. An apparent willingness to pull out all the stops to get her back might even lead her to believe you’re sincere. For best results, try to convey a level of “madly, passionately, deeply” beyond the agony you’d experience if you had a paper cut on your dialing finger.
Out On A Pledge
What does it mean when a man says “I’ll call you” at the end of a date? Some guys say it and call; other guys say it and don’t. Why do they say it if they don’t mean it? Do they take perverse pleasure in the idea that we women might be sitting by the phone waiting for a call that never comes?
–Wired And Tired
Right now, thousands of people are murmuring “pleased to meet you” instead of saying what’s really on their minds, like “You look like you’d be bad in bed,” or “What am I, a docking station for dull people?” Today alone, probably a half-dozen strangers will ask “How are you?” — which is your cue to chirp “Fine!” Of course, they don’t care how you really are any more than you care to tell them: “Actually, I’m debating whether to stick my head in the oven or go out with more of a bang.”
Like lettuce under cafeteria Jell-O, all this stuff is conversational garnish. The same goes for “I’ll call you.” Regarding whether guys take “perverse pleasure” in making women sit twitching by the phone; how many guys have you ever met who are that schemingly complex? At the end of the date, a guy’s suddenly confronted with a big block of empty air space, and he realizes that standing around completely mute is an extremely poor exit strategy. The pressure mounts. He has to say something … anything. Well, anything but “Every moment we spent together was a moment I spent dreaming of never seeing you again.” Right. He’ll “call you.”
That’s why the rational response to “I’ll call you” is rapid memory loss. Forget you ever met the guy unless the phone rings and it’s him on the other end. At that point, it’s probably safe to assume “I’ll call you” was a coded message meaning “I’ll call you,” not “After a few years of electroshock therapy, this evening should become a distant memory.”
Copyright 2003, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
This article appears in Dec 17-23, 2003.
