Ask the Advice Goddess

Theatrical Release

For several years, I’ve been close with two brothers. I fell into a semi-serious relationship with one, which ended when he cheated on me. Recently, the other brother confessed that he’s been in love with me for some time, but kept quiet because I’d been seeing other people. Previously, he was dating my best friend. They broke up eight months ago, but she’s still constantly demanding he give her reasons why it didn’t work. She goes out of her way to scare off women who are interested in him. I realize I love him, but I’m afraid of losing my friend, who will never understand or accept my being with him. Then, there’s the question of the two brothers, who barely get along now. Am I wrong to want to pursue a relationship with this man?–Drama Hater

So, you hate drama? Not a problem. Drama is what you call the club that puts on the junior high school production of Annie. It doesn’t begin to describe the interpersonal Armageddon you’re on the verge of unleashing. In fact, there’s no one word that quite conveys it, but this combo platter — “”As the World Turns’ meets “Fear Factor’ in a remake of The Passion of the Christ” — might come close.

After all is screamed and done, there’s a good chance you’ll look back and wish you’d gone for the night in the tank of 400 tarantulas that “just wanna cuddle.” In other words, you’d better be reasonably sure this is more than a case of the hormone flu before you give your girlfriend the signal to start scorching earth. That goes double for him. While you probably have a variety of replacement friends available to you, he’s sure to have a hard time convincing his mom to make him a replacement brother.

But, what about that rule against even going near a friend’s ex? In fact, to avoid being tempted in the slightest, you’re supposed to reprogram yourself to think the worst of him: Ax murderer! Cadillac Escalade driver! Michael Bolton fan! If he actually was all those things while dating your friend, then sure, solidarity rules. But, if not — well, it’s not like there’s a great guy falling off every barstool. Women should learn to resign themselves to romantic reality so they can, in time, repurpose old boyfriends as dates for their single friends.

Unfortunately, reality acceptance isn’t this particular woman’s strong suit. Eight months post-breakup, she’s still playing prosecutor with the guy: “Tell me why you left, and I’ll tell you why you’re wrong for not wanting me.” Right. That approach gets the marriage proposals flying fast and furious every time.

If a friend is somebody who’s actively interested in making people they care about happy, this woman is nobody’s friend (least of all, her own). At best, she’s an acquaintance with tenure. Maybe she has yet to go all scary on you — but probably just because your needs have never gotten in the way of her needs — until now.

Ask yourself what you’d want her to do if your roles were reversed. Then, do that. Should you and Brother Number Two decide to go for it, tell your friend up front. Explain that you don’t mean to hurt her; you just can’t help how you feel. Ask her to try to understand that and be happy for you — then, knowing what you know about her, prepare for the worst. In other words, duck, dig trenches, consider moving to Tajikistan, and do all your lingerie shopping at Victoria’s Kevlar Secret.

Boff Limits

My fiance’s stepmother disapproves of public affection, so my fiance and I keep kissing and hugging to a minimum when she’s around. One afternoon, his stepmother came home early and found us in bed. She later told my fiance I was “not welcome in this house again.” How can I get back in her good graces?–Mud

What was he doing while you were having sex with him, reading the Wall Street Journal? It takes two to tango — but only one to sweep up the broken glass in the aftermath. That one should be your fiance. After all, it’s his stepmother, and presumably, his family’s house that stood in for a cheap motel. He has two choices: Apologize to stepmommy for the visual overshare, or say nothing at all. I recommend the latter. But, if he keeps quiet, how will you ever get back in that house again? Well, the front door is probably your best bet. Just walk right in and act like nothing happened. But, but … she said you were banned from the premises. People say a lot of stuff in the heat of the moment. You, for example, must have sworn you’d “just die” if caught in the act by his stepmother. Your e-mail suggests that an increasing number of caskets are now being equipped with Broadband.

This article appears in Mar 10-16, 2004.