Ask the Advice Goddess

The Inundating Game

Two months ago, I met an awesome guy at a party. There was a mix-up when we exchanged phone numbers, so I only got his number last week. I called him, and last weekend we went on the best date of my life. The next day, he called to say he’d had a great time and asked me to call him later. I left a message on his voicemail. Now it’s the weekend; I’ve sent two text messages and had no response. I don’t want to scare him off, but I don’t want to blow my one chance to be with someone who could be my soul mate either. What should I do?–Wait Issues

Are you looking for a boyfriend or a career in bad debt collection?

People fall in love — they don’t get there by being pushed. So, the guy didn’t return your call with 9-11-style urgency. Considering that he wasn’t exactly in a panic to correct the initial phone number mix-up, is this any surprise? Apparently, you thought you would just spam your way into his heart. What’s next, a TV ad campaign suggesting he has no choice but to call? Like “Visa. It’s Everywhere You Want To Be,” maybe it’s “Lisa. She’s Everywhere And She Won’t Let You Be.” Of course, you could just cut to the chase: “It’s six o’clock, shouldn’t you be in love with me right now?” Already the guy’s wrong, and he hasn’t even had the chance to forget your birthday. Just what every man wants — the opportunity to feel like a henpecked husband before the second date.

Nice try, by the way, to justify your nagging wife approach by speculating that the guy could be your “soul mate.” Yeah, and he could also be just a guy you went out with once. After one date, you really aren’t desperate for him so much as you’re desperate for the rest of your life to be “solved.” That’s what the soul mate thing is all about. Supposedly, there’s one perfect person for you, and once you find them, you’ll never have so much as a leaky faucet as long as you live. This theory is especially ridiculous because your soul mate is always assumed to be somebody two doors down who speaks your language; never some bushman in a loincloth jogging off to play toss-the-elephant-dung in the Kalahari. The truth is, there are plenty of people who kinda-sorta match with you; plenty more if you’re 21 and pretty much just hormones with legs: “My libido and your libido — no conflict there!”

According to three out of four YMCA dance instructors, it takes two to tango, and no, you don’t get to count yourself twice. When you meet a guy who looks like relationship material, try giving him at least a bit part in the action. The flirting part is your job. Bat your eyelashes and toss your hair in that way that says “Either I’m trying to give myself a cerebral hemorrhage or suggesting that I’m unlikely to point and laugh if you ask me out.” If he fails to do so, don’t assume it’s because he’s mentally ill or too stupid to understand how perfect it could be with you. Chances are, he’s uninterested in dating or uninterested in dating you. Avoid wasting your time trying to badger men into bliss and you’ll improve your chances of finding it. There are guys out there who will carry a torch for you — and not just because you shoved it into their hands and begged them to hold it while you tie your shoe.

Putting The Pedal to The Meddle

My best friend and her boyfriend live in the apartment below mine. She’s pursuing another guy right under his nose, and it’s beginning to bug me. I don’t want to be stuck in a love triangle. How can I point her in the right direction?–Reality Check

It’s lonely up there on moral high ground. Just little old you, pacing and shouting to yourself, “Isn’t this disgusting?!” (Don’t you mean “How come this isn’t me?”) Although there appears to be no immediate danger of your getting stuck in a love triangle, living directly above somebody else’s must make any gaping, boyfriend-shaped holes in your life look much larger than they actually are. Assuming you don’t suffer shooting pains or exhibit stigmata when your friend’s mind wanders beyond boyfriend territory, you have no business pointing her anywhere but away from your ears with a simple “Thanks, but I’d rather not know.” Of course, in light of her ethical elasticity, perhaps it’s her you’d rather not know. Should your itch to play amateur Supreme Court justice persist, keep in mind that real justices wait politely to get appointed to the bench and assigned cases — tempted as they may be to knock on people’s doors and belt out verdicts at will.

This article appears in May 5-11, 2004.