Ask the Advice Goddess

Halving It All

I just discovered that my boyfriend of four years has been having an affair for about a year. He refuses to end it, claiming he needs time to make up his mind. Meanwhile, he wants to continue living with me (we moved in together six months ago) and still talks about getting married. What’s wrong with him that he can’t let go and be with one person?–Unwilling to Share

Your boyfriend must really be suffering over this decision: “I just need to have hot sex with this other woman a few dozen more times to figure out what I want.” What a thoughtful fellow. Surely he’s equally ambitious about any tough choice he has to make: “Let’s see … should I be torn apart by wild dogs or spend 12 hours locked in an airplane bathroom with Richard Simmons?”

Even more outrageous than the man who suggests sex is a gateway to mental clarity is the woman who’s straining to believe him. Sorry, but isn’t all the blood supposed to be rushing away from his brain? At this rate, you’ll both be nominating Ron Jeremy for the Nobel Prize in physics. While there is more than one path to enlightenment, serious seekers like Buddhist monks somehow manage to find those that don’t involve, say, throwing strip-poker kegger parties for Buddhist nuns: “Hey, bodhi-cita, take off your robe and stay awhile!”

Most people believe love has transformative powers, but some take this idea a little too far. Women, especially, are prone to think of love as a sort of Human Nature Busters diet for men. Supposedly, love is all you need to chase away a guy’s inner alley cat, leaving in its place a snoring house pet that occasionally raises his big, sleeping head to purr, “I only have eyes for you.” Back here in reality, sure, he has eyes for you, and maybe for your sister and your best friend, too — not to mention a few other essential body parts pointed in their direction. This may even include that big, red thumping item under his ribs. Yes, contrary to what loveseat manufacturers would have you believe, it is possible to love more than one person at once.

Nevertheless, many women still cling to the notion that even the most incorrigible player need only experience their particular divine fabulousness, fascinatingness, and Hummer-stopping beauty, and he’ll mend his wandering ways. But look at Don Juan, just for starters. Chances are, he wasn’t hooking up with a boring bunch of barkers. The truth is, the most beautiful and exciting women in the world get cheated on. Whether a man succumbs to the urge depends not on how in love he is and with how stunning a woman, but on his ethics and his wherewithal to cheat, plus a corresponding sexual short attention span. Oh yeah — before anybody starts trying to lynch me via e-mob, the same applies to the ladies.

It’s understandable that you’re loath to give up everything you and your boyfriend have in common, starting with your mutual desire to meet his every need: He wants to continue living with you. He wants to continue having sex with her. He wants you to just deal. Hmmm, notice anything missing here — such as concern for what you want? Instead of trying to convince yourself that sex can be an intellectual colonic, you might work on persuading yourself that your needs are a priority, and then find a boyfriend who agrees. In a world where human nature means always needing to say I’m sorry, self-respect means sometimes needing to say get lost.

Tattle Prod

Your response to “Reality Check,” the woman whose best friend was trying to cheat on her boyfriend, made my blood boil. You focused your criticism on her, suggesting she was jealous, and advised her to mind her own business. What’s so bad about telling a friend that what they’re doing is wrong? –Outraged

This isn’t like letting somebody know there’s toilet paper stuck to the bottom of their shoe: “Hey, there’s a man who’s not your boyfriend you’re trying to have sex with!” What’s the friend going to say, “Thanks! I hadn’t noticed!”? If simply telling people not to do the wrong thing worked, the cops would never chase bank robbers, they’d just yell at them, “Robbing banks is very bad!” then stand around waiting for them to drop their sacks of money.

Unfortunately, the direct approach is usually the quickest way to put somebody on the defensive. That’s why the roundabout approach I advised — refusing to listen to a word of her exploits — is actually the writer’s best chance of influencing her friend. This answers her written question (how to avoid getting involved); just not what seemed to be the real reason behind her outrage: “How come my friend gets two men, when some of us don’t even have one?!”

This article appears in May 12-18, 2004.