Not to be outdone by the Canadians’ banning of fruitcakes on airplanes, the FBI issued a Christmas Eve bulletin to 18,000 American police departments to be on the lookout during searches, traffic stops and other investigations for people carrying almanacs. Yes, almanacs.
The memo warned that terrorists may use almanacs, which contain profiles of cities and information about landmarks and infrastructure, “to assist with target selection and pre-operational planning.” It urged officers to be vigilant about anyone carrying the reference books, particularly if they are “annotated in suspicious ways.” I guess that might mean, for instance, having a circle drawn around the Statue of Liberty in the NYC chapter with the phrase “detonate fruitcake here” scribbled in Arabic by notorious Saudi fruitcake terrorist Claxton Akbah.
While the use of almanacs may be mostly innocent, or as the FBI puts it “the product of legitimate recreational or commercial activities,” it warned that, when combined with suspicious behavior, a person brandishing an almanac “may point to possible terrorist planning.”
The fruitcake story seemed the apex of anxiety absurdity, but when I saw the almanac story, I had to wonder, “Are people sitting around the Justice Department doing Tequila shooters thinking this stuff up?” Well, it just so happens . . .
The head of the Transportation Security Administration at Dulles International Airport was charged with drunken driving while on duty New Year’s Eve. Acting federal security director Charles Brady was pulled over at about 1am by a DC police officer who saw him driving erratically on Route 28 near Dulles. Brady was supposed to be at his airport post until 2am. At the time, as you may remember, the country was on heightened terror alert, and earlier that evening British Airways Flight 223 from London had been escorted to Dulles by US fighter jets where it was searched and 247 passengers “re-screened.” I guess Brady picked a bad day to give up drinking.
Brady has since been placed on administrative leave, presumably so an investigation can determine if the half-eaten fruitcake allegedly found in his back seat (next to a well worn copy of Poor Richard’s Almanac) had been soaked in bourbon. It’s a Brave New Year boys and girls, and I feel safer already.
This article appears in Jan 7-13, 2004.
