Memo from: Karl Rove
To: POTUS, The White House Brain Trust, the RNC
cc: Sean Hannity
Re: Convention update
Well, folks, let’s be honest. I won’t try to spin you here: The Democrats pulled it off in Boston. Their convention worked like a charm: They moved to the center; they quieted the lunatic left; they barely mentioned guns or gays — at least not in prime time.
Now sure, we all know that Kerry’s speech had more holes in it than a Palm Beach Presidential election ballot. Like what he accomplished during two decades in the Senate. (Umm … nothing?) Or his fantasy that, with a little regime change in America, the French are going to march right in and bail us out in Baghdad. (Yeah, right. Grosse chance, Monsieur K.)
Still, I have to give him credit: It’s precisely the speech I would have told him to deliver. Because in politics, perception is reality. And coming out of the convention — in sound bites and photo ops — the message is that these guys are smart, and tough, and determined to win.
So where does this leave us?
On the bright side, we have Kerry’s “friends” in the so-called “liberal media” to thank for his non-bounce in the post-convention polls. Predictably, they nailed him on the speech — suddenly rediscovering their “objectivity” at precisely the moment they should have been at their most partisan. (But then, that’s the difference between our side and the New York Times: When we issue a script, Sean Hannity sticks to it. Objectivity is swell, but passion wins elections.)
On the other hand, the economy is sputtering, the war isn’t over by a long shot, and nobody in this administration — from Ashcroft to Wolfowitz — is out there winning prizes in the charm category.
So with fewer than 80 days left till the election, it’s time to look at our positives and negatives, and focus on a new message. Clinton had “It’s the economy, stupid.” But I suggest we borrow — and update — the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
We have nothing to sell, but fear itself.
Scare the bejesus out of America with terrorist threats? Mission accomplished! And although it’s too late to move our convention from New York to someplace less hostile to our ideals (Fallujah, anyone?), here are my thoughts on how to script this event:
The President’s Arrival. How do we top John Kerry arriving in Boston by boat? Simple: We restage the entire Robert Duvall helicopter-attack sequence from Apocalypse Now. Ten choppers, coming in low, out of the sun, over the Hudson River, blasting “Ride of the Valkyries,” as GWB hops out of a Black Hawk onto the roof of Madison Square Garden and snaps off a salute to the SWAT teams: “Outstanding, gentlemen!” The delegates will go wild. The protesters will be terrorized. And it’ll drive the Democrats and the news media absolutely insane for at least one entire news cycle.
The VP’s Speech. We want to present Dick Cheney as sober, calming and adult. I’m thinking cardigan sweater, fireplace and cat, via video from the usual undisclosed location.
The Band of CEOs. Originally, I thought this was a swell idea. (“We supported him when he was out of work; we still support him now!”) But I’m afraid it’s been overshadowed by Kerry’s Band of Brothers. Solution: Fill that stage with firepower. Cops, troops, even “independent contractors” if we have to. Hell, it’s New York City. Even Laura Bush should be packin’ heat.
The Film. Alas, there’s no film from GWB’s distinguished service in the National Guard. (At least not involving the kind of “shooters” Kerry was involved with.) So let’s go the usual warm and fuzzy Republican route: kids, dogs, minorities and Reagan. Flags are nice, too. Lots of them.
The Demonstrators. How do we turn this into a win? I’m thinking Nixon, paying a surprise visit to the anti-war demonstrators at the Lincoln Memorial in May 1970. GWB faces his accusers? Brilliant! Great television! Shades of High Noon! Let’s pull together a list of “friendly” unfriendlies, pronto!
Television Coverage. Let’s face it: The networks made jackasses of themselves during the DNC — running only three hours of coverage; complaining their presence was irrelevant; blurring the line between entertainment and news by treating Jon Stewart as the new Edward R. Murrow. (Airing that rerun of CSI: Miami was far more important for the future of the Republic.) In any case, this is good news for us. We don’t need the extra scrutiny. (Note to C. Powell: Can you ask your son Michael if there are any media mergers coming up? Let’s reward these guys for shooting themselves in the foot.)
Our New Slogan. Forget “Help is on the way.” We’ve already started to focus-test the far more simple and eloquent “Duck!”
In the end, let’s all remember that this election is going to come down to 17 undecided voters in Ohio and Florida. Luckily for us, John Ashcroft intends to visit each and every one of them — up close and personal — during the next few weeks.
Let me know if you have any other suggestions.
Karl
P.S.: Memo to Rummy: I know the original plans had the capture of bin Laden scheduled for early October. But if we need him sooner, can we move this up? If the “softening up” process works, I bet he’d make a fantastic keynote speaker.
This column originally appeared in The New York Observer. Scene & Herd will return next week.
This article appears in Aug 25-31, 2004.
