So, how goes journalistic objectivity in this brave new war? During a March 27 protest in New York, the ticker on Fox News’ Sixth Avenue headquarters jeered down at anti-war demonstrators below: “War protester auditions here today. . .thanks for coming!”, “Who won your right to show up here today?”, “How do you keep a war protester in suspense? Ignore them,” and “Attention protesters: the Michael Moore Fan Club meets Thursday at a phone booth at Sixth Avenue and 50th Street.”
So what’s the biggest difference between Kent Brockman (who is technically a Fox newsperson) and his correspondingly animated cable news counterparts? More capable gag writers and a keener ability to understand the legitimate duality of “God bless our soldiers, but God damn the President” on Brockman’s part. Fox News Channel, meanwhile, leads in ratings.
Peter Arnett this past week challenged the Dixie Chicks for the “Jane Fonda Memorial It Sure Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Award”. And then there’s, Geraldo Rivera: Impacted War Correspondent; be still, Edward R. Murrow.
“Patriotic rallies” have begun to proliferate around the country lately, many of which organized by radio stations owned by San Antonio based media conglomerate Clear Channel Communications. These rallies have increasingly become not only pro-war but also anti- anyone who opposes Bush administration policy.Interestingly, Clear Channel’s vice chairman Tom Hicks and chairman Lowry Mays both have strong Texas Republican Party and Bush family ties, with a long string of remarkable business deals involving those men and companies including UTIMCO, the Texas Rangers baseball team, The Carlyle Group, and Harken Energy among others.
Operation Iraqi Freedom: The Untold Story It’s probably not too early to begin thinking about the inevitable Iraqi war TV mini-series. The plot has all the elements of a blockbuster sweeps week epic, lending itself to some star-studded casting possibilities.
James Gandolfini stars as Vice-Capo Dick Cheney, the man behind the scenes who makes things happen. Gandolfini has a curious habit of referring to British Prime Minister Tony Blair (Roberto Benigni) as “Fat Tony,’ but when he gives the UN an offer they can’t refuse, any and all historical inaccuracies are forgotten. Co-stars Tommy Chong as Iraqi dictator Sadam Hussein (“The Weapon of Mass Destruction’s not here, man”), with Cheech Marin and Britney Spears appearing as his body doubles.
The supporting cast includes Adam West as Attorney General John Ashcroft, Burt Ward as Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, Jerry Lewis as French President Jacques Chirac, Shaquille O’Neal as Osama Bin Laden, Gilbert Gottfried as Natalie Maines, and Lynn Wheeler as Condoleezza Rice (“Mr. President, the obvious key to rebuilding uptown Baghdad is an NBA basketball arena”). And, in a cameo appearance as the 43rd President of the United States, in the role he was born (and somewhat elected) to play, Al Gore.
Alert on Alert: Looking to avoid the kind of ridicule it received when it raised the national terror alert level from yellow to orange, the Office of Homeland Security is preparing a different approach in case it needs to elevate the country to Code Red. At the time, Tom Ridge’s department was widely mocked when it suggested that Americans stock up on duct tape and sheets of plastic to create a “safe room” in their homes in case of chemical, biological, or radiological attack.
Ridge’s new approach is simpler: the government is printing millions of $1-off coupons for spray cans of Lysol to be distributed in case of germ warfare. This is, of course, in addition to the Bush administration’s comprehensive plan to enforce national martial law to help protect our precious American freedoms, which Saddam is personally trying to take away.
I Got Your Rights, Right Here: It’s not easy being Attorney General during wartime. As part of the War on Terrorism, John Ashtray has been trying his darnedest to rewrite the Constitution as the Patriot Act (Parts I & II) and replace the Bill of Rights with The 10 Commandments, all in an effort to make the country as safe and secure as an altar boy at a parish sleepover.
So what happens? The FBI goes and recovers a copy of the Bill of Rights that had been missing from North Carolina for 138 years.
It simply is not helpful when people who are supposed to be working for you insist on doing things that are counter-productive. The Attorney General has gone to great lengths to convince Americans that if we want to be safe from terrorism, we need to get rid of these silly man-made documents and replace them with rules personally handed down to Ashtray by God.
Not to worry. A knowledgeable source has told us that the AG plans to declare the recovered Bill of Rights classified information, which means it can be withheld from the public, buried as deep in the catacombs of the Justice Department as Martha Mitchell. Ashcroft does promise, however, that in 30 years we’ll get to take a look at it, although some of the more, um, sensitive passages will likely be blacked out. That is, of course, unless he can locate Fawn Hall at which point the document will never see the light of day.
This article appears in Apr 9-15, 2003.
